Power
by amacma
Summary: Resuming "Freedom" / post S8; After Allyson Tayler forces Jack into office, just to save her own presidency, he suddenly finds himself leading a peace conference where he should come to terms with Renee's murderers. Meanwhile, as people out of his own ranks are trying to force him out of office, there is only one true friend who'll stay till the end: Audrey.
1. INTRODUCTION I: A Truth

_My dear readers,  
I decided to continue my other fics "Fallout", "Truth" and "Freedom" with one last episode.  
After Jack was inaugurated as Vice President, he and Audrey parted once again.  
this will be their final way back together.  
J/Audrey._

 _enjyoy,_

 _amacma_

* * *

 **.**

 **A Truth**

.

 _Set half a year after Jack's inauguration / half a year after „Freedom"_

.

.

After several months in office, he had finally accommodated to his new job, the people around here, the way Washington DC worked and who to trust and who not- actually, only a handful of people were still on the ‚trust' side.  
President Taylor wasn't one of them.

Jack sometimes thought back to the day when she had literally forced him into this office.  
For the sake of her own ideas, of her own goals and above all, to keep her administration from tumbling down.  
There had been some strange moments in the past half year, when he'd seen that Allyson Taylor was also dependent on the goodwill of others- mainly the people in their own party. The hardliners kept waging for war, pushing her towards the unthinkable. By the way that she had select _him_ as her right hand man, she had made herself a life insurance. If she'd fall - or be forced to resign or whatever - he'd follow.  
And slowly he was beginning to grasp all her motives. She had put him in place to make the option who would actually follow look even worse to her enemies than letting her stay in the office.

Harry opened up the door and peeked into the room. As he found Jack, sitting at his desk, drowned in thoughts, he silently came in and closed the door behind him.  
„Did you call Taylor back?", he asked.

Jack looked up and watched him come over to his desk. „Yeah. I just got off the phone with her." He sighed. „She asked me to attend the CGI charity ball tomorrow, instead of her."

Harry sat down at the chair in front of Jack's desk, slightly nodding his head. „I see.", he spoke, and sighed, too. „How is she holding up? Better? Worse?"

„I don't know." Jack answered. „That's probably the most closely guarded secret of this country.", referring to Allyson Taylor's health status.  
She had been diagnosed with ‚something', as she had said to him - five weeks ago. Since that day, the occasions had become more frequent, when she had asked him to take over some of her activities. Up to now, it were only the less important things - public relation events, some charity balls, speeches at some universities. It was no great deal for him to take these events, too, since he hadn't got anything to do, aside of his job.  
As this all had begun, he had even been glad for the additional distraction.

„She should at least give us a warning when it'll be time for you to take over.", Harry - almost angrily- murmured.

„No.", Jack most definitely cut in. „Let's not hope for that. I don't want to take over."  
He knew that Harry was far more ambitious about this whole thing than he was.  
But Jack could could really do without having to take over Taylor's presidency. He was glad that she had sounded optimistic, as she had called him. He had just found his way in here, in the office, in this life, in the party, in DC, and he was glad that he had finally grown into _this_ job. That was more than he had expected.

„You're not gonna let me down on this, are you?", Jack asked his chief of staff, showing him the invitation to that ball. „Tomorrow, 8 p.m., here in the Hilton."

Tusker hemmed.  
Tomorrow would be Audrey's birthday. He had promised her to be home early.  
„Listen, Jack, I think you'll have to do this alone…", he began, not knowing how to go on. What explanation should he give to Jack? He would lie - that was for sure.  
Feverishly he thought about what lie to tell. That he wanted an evening off… that some relatives were in the city… that he had a relationship - just not tell him who it was?

„Come on, Harry, don't leave me hanging. You know this place will be crowded with rats."

Harry took a deep breath and stared into the far corner of the office. „I can't come, I'm really sorry Jack.", he began. Finally, he had decided on one of his options. „There is someone"

„Then take her with you, Harry.", Jack cut him off.

Harry didn't know what to say any more. „I can't.", he simply said. He could't tell Jack the reason why he couldn't. „You need to go alone. I really can't come with you. I promised…" Though he left it unsaid, it was clear that it was a woman that he was talking about, _his_ woman.

„Take her with you.", Jack said again, looking at Harry's face, who only shook his head, evading.

Finally, Jack leant forward, onto his desk. „Harry?"

The former Colonel turned around to him, looking into Jack's eyes. They had a certain glance.

„I need you there. You know we're going to be besieged with questions about President Taylor."

He really made it hard for Harry to say no.  
Thinking of Audrey's birthday, he sighed. „I'll think about it, Jack. I'll tell you tomorrow, okay?"  
Probably he'd find a way to explain it to her why she'd be alone on her birthday… he could only promise to make up for it on another evening.

While Harry was still thinking, Jack silently added, „Take her with you, Harry. Don't leave her at home alone on her birthday."

Harry had needed a few seconds, until Jack's words really seeped into his mind. Birthday. Had he just referred to _Audrey's_ birthday? He hadn't said anything about a birthday to him.  
Schocked, Harry turned around.

Jack stayed calm. „When did you plan to tell me?", he silently asked.

Harry tried to judge him. Was it a reproach? Actually Jack's words hadn't sounded like it.  
„Since when… did you know?", he asked.

„Since the beginning.", Jack answered him, looking right into his eyes.

Harry felt threatened, caught and ashamed in the same moment. „Why didn't you… say one word?", he stammered.  
He knew how much Jack still cared for Audrey- he made no secret of that.

„What for?", Jack answered. „I don't own her. I left her. She's alone. I'm not in any position to judge over you two."

Harry looked at Jack, slightly nodding his head. But he didn't feel comfortable with this situation right now. „I don't know if she… wants to go there."  
As he had said it, he already regretted it. Harry didn't even know if Audrey wanted to see Jack again or not.

Jack stood up with a sigh and went over to the large windows behind his desk, looking out.

Harry watched his back, as he said, „I can relate."  
The truth was finally out.

.

.


	2. INTRODUCTION II: A Ball

**A Ball**

.

 _At the Hilton residence / Washington DC - one day later_

.

.

Jack had to admit that seeing Audrey again had shaken him, more than had wanted to. For a short moment, after Harry had left him yesterday, he had prayed that she'd say no to coming here.  
He would have even chosen to face all the reporters on his own, without Harry's assistance. After all, they had anyway been less interested in President Taylor's failure to appear here than he'd expected. A few weeks ago, as he had substituted her on such a charity event for the first time and then, right after for a second time, they had brought up rumors about her health and everything else.  
But right now, the reporters seemed to have accommodated to the fact that he was constantly substituting Taylor on what event ever. The information had lost it's freshness and had simply become uninteresting.

Glad about that, Jack stood on the terrace and lit himself a cigarette, looking out into the marvelous garden of that hotel complex. Everything out there was shielded from the public by the secret service.  
Behind him, inside the large ball room, the press was waiting. Photographers, who caught any moment.

He was glad to be out here, alone for a moment.  
At the other end of the terrace, two couples and a group of girls were talking and drinking champagne. But they didn't dare come over to him, probably thinking he was out of their league.

Jack braced his hands against the balcony parapet and looked out into the darkness.  
Audrey was here.  
He could think of nothing else, the whole day, the whole evening long.  
She had appeared in a beautiful blue dress, accompanied by Harry, but actually, they hadn't let it show too much that they were a couple. They had looked like being ‚just friends', exactly as Harry told it to the press, as he had been asked about her.

Two hours ago, as they all had been sitting in the hall, having dinner, he had watched her, secretly. She looked happy again. She deserved it.  
As he had held the speech that actually should have been held by President Taylor, his view had finally gotten stuck at her. She had sat in the third row, at a table together with Harry, her father and two Senators.

He pulled at his cigarette and blew the smoke out into the darkness.

„Jack?"

The voice of hers made him literally jump around.  
There she stood, wearing a beautiful blue dress. Her blond hair loosely spread all over her naked shoulders.  
„Audrey…", he stammered, and it was the only word he managed to say - although he had thought of so many ‚first words' that he'd say to her.

She went the few steps over to him, from the patio doors to the parapet. Three feet away from him she stopped, keeping a decent space in between them.  
She looked at the cigarette in his hand, but refrained from asking him why he'd started to smoke again. The first sentence shouldn't sound like the nagging of an old housewife. Instead, she asked him „will you give me one, too?"

Hesitatingly, Jack reached into his trouser pocket and pulled out a silver cigarette case, which he offered to her.  
„I didn't know you smoked.", he said, amazed.

„I don't. And I never have.", she answered, and took out one of the cigarettes. „Do you see the press in there? They're already watching us."

Unobtrusively, Jack peeked through the french windows, back into the ball room. Some press members were really watching them, their cameras at the ready.  
But there was nothing to see - except from the very normal scene of two people who had gone out onto the terrace to smoke a cigarette.

As Jack held up his lighter, and they both shielded the little flame from the wind with their hands, her fingers briefly touched his.  
Electrified by the unexpected touch, they both looked into each other's eyes.

„I'm glad you came here.", he silently said.  
The flame of the lighter was long since out again, but they still stood there, looking into each other's eyes, their fingers touching.

It was Audrey, who finally pulled back from that moment, before it got weird.  
Holding the cigarette in her hand, she retreated a few steps, until the decent distance of at least three feet was restored again.  
„Me, too.", she answered, pretending to smoke. „It's been way too long since I last saw you."

Jack watched her, in the corner of his field of view. They both stood at the parapet now, looking out into the dark garden, he smoking, she pretending to do so. For a moment he thought of asking a question as simple as ‚how are you' - but refrained from it again. That question would be way too personal, he felt.

„How are you?", _she_ finally asked _him._

„I'm fine." Jack smiled sadly. That was, what he said to everyone who asked. „I'm okay.", he corrected himself. He hadn't got to lie to Audrey- she was one of the people he didn't need to lie to. But even saying he was okay had been a big lie.

She glanced at him, noticed his sad smile. He wasn't okay. He still wasn't. After half a year.

They heard a few girls at the other end of the terrace giggle and looked over to them.  
Embarrassedly, the four of them turned away.

Jack saw Audrey laugh silently, too.  
Unwillingly, he had to smile, too. „What's up?", he asked

„The Forbes magazine wrote that you are America's number one eligible bachelor.", she said to him, smiling.

„I read that one, too.", he smiled, looking out into the darkness. „'can hardly believe that." It was unbelievable to him. She had been here only for three minutes, four at most - and had already made him laugh and had made him feel happy through and through.

„After what the Washington Post wrote a few weeks ago.", he added.

„Yeah.", she answered. „Takes much to be officially ‚too bad-ass' to be liked by the conservatives."  
It was her view on this. Of course, the Washington Post had officially found other words for that. More decent words, referring to Jack and Renee. They had called him ‚cold-blooded' for his decision on rather saving New York than saving her life.

Audrey feared that she had gone too far into that special direction by bringing up that topic, so she pulled back. „I liked your speech today."

„Thanks.", he murmured. „But I don't write them. That was even one out of Taylor's staff."

She nodded, silently.

And then the two of them stood alone in the darkness, looking out into the garden, afraid to talk about what they really felt for each other. Afraid to talk about what was really on their mind.

„I should go now." Audrey announced, as she saw that the cigarette in her hands had burned down completely. Jack had lit himself a second and thereafter a third one in the meantime.

As she was getting ready to go, he turned around, facing her. She was still three feet away from him.  
„I can't even kiss you goodbye.", he said to her, glancing at the reporters who were inside the ball room. From time to time, one of them eyed him and Audrey suspiciously.

„I know.", she answered, understandingly. She wasn't mad at him for that.

They shared a look at each other - full of affection - that made up for the forbidden nearness.

„Bye", she finally said, ripping herself free from this charming view.

She had almost reached the patio doors, as he called her back- „Audrey?"

She turned around, expectantly.

„Happy birthday.", Jack spoke.  
After nine years, that was the first time he had seen her on that day.

.

.

.


	3. INTRODUCTION III: Late Night Thoughts

**Late night thoughts**

.

 _Audrey's apartment_

.

.

At this day, Harry was on his way home late.

Audrey had left the ball around 10, Jack had stayed not much longer and it was only him, who had been talking to some of the reporters until midnight.  
He had tried to call her on his way home, but she hadn't answered.  
Almost worried, he had told his driver to stop by at her flat, on his way home. He had a key and didn't want to wake her up, in case she was already asleep.

Silently, Harry opened the door and looked inside. Everything was dark.  
Without switching on the lights, he went through the hallway, into the living room. It was dark, too.  
He opened up the door to the sleeping room - and found her in there.  
She was asleep already, in her blue dress that she had been wearing this evening. Even the high heels were still on her feet.

An on the bedside table, was a box of tissues and a heap of used ones.

At a loss, he stood in the doorframe, watching her through that little gap. Should he go over there? Cover her with a blanket? Take the shoes off her feet? Ask her what was going on?  
Every one of those options seemed to be a bad idea for itself.

So he finally let it be.

After closing the door to her bedroom again, without making a noise, he left the apartment again. As he walked by the living room table, he didn't even notice that there was a little bag of one of her birthday presents there.

* * *

 _Earlier, the same evening_

Around 10, Audrey had decided to leave the ball. She had had her conversation with Jack - the first one in 6 months, and it had shaken her completely. He looked good. He looked successful.  
Although she hadn't let it show, she needed some time for herself right now, alone.

Right as she strolled down the red-carpeted corridor and the five steps towards the exit, one of the butlers of the house approached her out of nowhere.

„Ms. Heller?", he cautiously asked, as if he was touching an expensive piece of porcelain.

She was surprised. „Yes?"

„I was asked to give you this, on behalf of the Vice President.", he spoke and offered her a little bag- obviously a birthday present- to take.

Stunned, she took the little blue bag, and the butler disappeared into the nowhere again, as fast as he had appeared.

* * *

 _Jack's residence_

He had given it up to conceal it. Any of those things he did.

A few months ago, he had kept one or two bottles of Whiskey in one of the closets, hidden. But now a row of good bottles of Whiskey stood right on his living room table. Noone dared to ask or say a word about it.

He sighed deeply, as he took off his jacket and loosened his tie, before he sat down and poured himself a glass full.  
There they were again- the memories that he'd so meticulously kept at bay during the past months- even with the help of a few drinks, it they had been too bothersome.  
As he sipped at his drink, tonight, he knew already that it would take a few more glasses to calm down the thoughts that kept constantly telling him _you were damn fool to let her go._

As he took out his cigarettes and lit one, he was unwillingly reminded of the moment, as he had lit Audrey's cigarette.  
That view. Her eyes.

He remembered the day, half a year ago, as he had left her. Took a sip at his drink.  
Thought about Renee. Took a sip at his drink.  
Thought about Allyson Taylors words about bringing Page down. The revenge. All the things that he and Harry had done during the past months, just to fight Anderson and Page. Took a sip at his drink.

Remembered that they had been pretty successful to save their own positions and to keep Audrey out of all this. And then, his thoughts finally came to rest.


	4. The evenings of a peace conference - MO

**The evenings of a peace conference, Monday**

.

 _Camp David_

.

.

.

Although it was a 1500 acres residence, there were only few places, where somebody could really be alone.  
Most of the area was guarded by Secret Service. Every place close to it's borders was constantly patrolled by men with dogs and anywhere near the houses hundreds of surveillance video cameras controlled each inch of the area.

Jack greeted the last of the Secret Service posts before the rather wild part of the area began. Out there, on the northern end of Camp David, a few woods and in between them, three lakes awaited him.  
As he went on, along the path through one of the small woods, he was drowned in thoughts, already awaiting the grateful solitude of the place that'd wait for him already.

It was a small pond that he'd discovered nine years ago, as he had been here for the first time, with Heller and Audrey.  
Each time when he'd been here since his inauguration, he had taken a few hours to come here and enjoy the silence and the solitude that he hadn't got any more since one year.

As he turned left and went down the small pathway to the deck, he noticed, that today he wasn't alone out here - somebody already sat there, right on the deck where he normally sat.  
He stopped.

The woman on the deck had already heard a noise behind her.  
She turned around and found him standing behind one of the trees that seamed the way down here.  
„Have you been following me?", Audrey calmly asked. She was relieved that it was him and not a Secret Service guy who'd have asked her some stupid questions about why she was out here.

Hesitatingly Jack stepped a bit closer.  
„No.", he answered, as he stepped on the deck, too. „I just left the cocktail party ten minutes ago."

She nodded, seeming to understand now why he was still out here, dressed in a good suit and polished shoes.  
„Will you join me?", she asked, patting her hand at the empty wooden boards of the deck next to her.

Jack silently nodded his head yes, pulled his tie a bit open and took out his cigarettes before he sat down next to her.

As he lit himself a cigarette, Audrey had a brief look at her wristwatch. it was seven thirty pm- actually not very late. The sun wasn't even close to set.  
„Is the cocktail party already over?", she asked him.

Jack shook his head.  
After a silent while, he added, „I just couldn't stand it any longer."  
Silently he stared out onto the water, thinking about Suvarov. The Russian president was not even two miles away right now, along with the heads of state of any other important country. All of them drinking and chatting… he knew very well that he should be there and not out here, but right now, he just couldn't.  
As he had shaken Suvarovs hand, he had unwillingly been reminded of the last time that he had seen that man - at the UN building, centered in his riflescope.  
He decided to think about something else now.  
„What drives you out here?", he asked, turning to Audrey.

She shrugged at first, and then started to smile. „It's the most beautiful place out here.", she answered.

Unwillingly, Jack had to smile, too. He knew exactly what she was thinking about. „And the only spot out here where one can be alone.", he added, thinking of the first time they had been here together- nine years ago- making out and having sex right here where they sat now.

It was a silent understanding that they shared.  
„I'm sorry to disturb your lonely place out h.…", Audrey remarked.

„Don't be.", he cut her off, turning to her. „I'm happy to see you." He looked right into her eyes.

As she saw him, Audrey felt butterflies in her stomach. She loved to see him smile.

And then they both just sat there, next to each other, their feet dangling from the deck, looking out onto the pond.  
From time to time, she grabbed small stones and threw them out into the pond.  
Jack, did so, too, grabbed a stone and threw it out just a bit further than she had thrown hers.  
„Hey!", she protested and jokingly hit his upper left arm.

As he glanced sidelong at her, he simply had to admit that he was happy to see her.  
„I'm glad you came here.", he said, once more. „I wasn't sure if you'd come as I asked Harry… to ask you if you'd like to come here."

Audrey took a deep breath and leant back, supporting her weight on her arms. „I wasn't so sure either if it'd be a good idea to come here.", she answered, smiling. „But now I am."  
He was smiling, truly, again. Though he hadn't looked that good as he had come here, she could see that he was changed, compared to the last time they had met, half a year ago.

Silently she watched him light himself another cigarette. He pulled his tie further open and leant forward, resting his elbows at his thighs.

„Mr. President.", she remarked.

He smilingly shook his head. „No, I'm _not._ I'm still only the Vice President.", Jack answered, „just acting President right now."

„How's President Taylor?", Audrey asked.

Jack shrugged. „I'd love to know that, too.", he began, „she's not even letting me in to how she really is. But I suppose she's getting better again."

„What makes you believe that if you say yourself that she's not telling you anything?"

„Well…", he smiled, „she's starting to interfere more than before…"

Audrey laughed. „I see."

„This whole conference was her idea. She planned it three weeks ago and I suppose she wouldn't have planned for it if she hadn't suspected to get better. I think she would have wanted to do this on her own… and not send me."  
He sighed, and added, „to shake hands with Suvarov."

„A-hm." Audrey had a close look at him. „Is that why you're out here and not in there?", she asked him.  
He had told her about everything about that day when he had killed a great part of the Russian delegation, at President Taylors last peace conference, one and a half years ago.

Jack sighed deeply and ran his hand through his hair. „Isn't it absurd?", he silently remarked. „Last time I held him at gunpoint. I believe he doesn't know that. But he knows that I killed half of his delegation. And now…. we just shake hands, don't talk about anything that happened in the past and everyone expects us to have a peace conference. I don't know how this is going to work."

Audrey silently watched him, as he slightly shook his head, looking out onto the pond. She could almost read his thoughts.  
„That's politics, Jack.", she remarked.

„I know.", he sighed. „I wasn't made for that."

She straightened herself up again and leant against his side, „Isn't that the nature of a peace conference?"

He replied nothing, just turned his head around to look into her eyes. Her chin rested on her hand that she had laid on his shoulder. She was so close - and it felt like she'd talk right into his soul.  
„How do you mean that?"

„That's the nature of a peace conference.", she silently added, „to overcome things like this."

Jack wasn't very satisfied by her answer. „I don't know…", he began, but didn't finish the sentence because he didn't even know how to put his thoughts into words.  
„I'm not made for this, Audrey.", he silently murmured.

She followed his view, out onto the other side of the pond, where a few birds were just fighting around.  
„I think nobody is made for this, Jack.", she spoke. „For giving in. For compromise. For stepping down. Everybody needs to learn that… either the easy or the hard way."

„He wants me to give up all our interests in the middle east. Audrey…. I can't do that."

She sighed. „What's the alternative to it?"

Jack shrugged. „I don't know for sure. Harry and the Pentagon keep telling me that the only option is to finally get into a war against Suvarov. But this country is not in any shape to win a war. We've just been rebuilding it all from scratch after Petrovskys terrorist attacks."  
He looked out into the far, „the perfect time to start war is long gone. Taylor missed that."

„There is no _perfect time_ to start a war, Jack. Never. War is not the solution of problems. It's what all hardliners and military suppliers always cry for… economic growth and all of this… but it's never a solution. It makes you more problems than it solves."

„You almost sound like Allyson Taylor.", he smiled.

She had to laugh, too, unwillingly. „Really?"

„Yeah.", he nodded. „It's just not that easy."

„I know." Although she feared that it might not be a good idea to get so close, she finally put her right arm around his shoulders. „But you should try.", she told him.

Jack wordlessly nodded his head yes. He felt her gentle touch, her nearness, her hand on his shoulder, the weight of her body leaning against his left shoulder. That threw his thoughts in disorder even more than seeing Suvarov again.

„You should go back and have a drink with him.", Audrey told him.

„Yeah, I should." He took one of his cigarettes and showed it to her, as if he'd ask for permission, smiling. „Ten minutes, okay?"

She just laughed a _yes_ as an answer and leant against his shoulder once more.  
And then they sat there, in silence, next to each other, savoring the few minutes until the sun would set.


	5. The evenings of a peace conference - TU

**The evenings of a peace conference, Tuesday**

.

 _Camp David_

.

.

.

„I'm sorry… it got late!", Jack called out, as he spotted Audrey sitting at ‚their' place- again. Todays negotiations had lasted for hours and hours, not coming to a real end. They had broken it off at nine p.m. in the evening, without any positive results.

She turned around to him, smiling, and watched him come down the few steps from the main road to the deck. It was dark already. „There's nothing to be sorry for.", she answered, „We didn't arrange to meet… did we?"

He sat down next to her, like the day before, loosening his tie. „Did we?", he smirked as he said it, and then took out his cigarettes to light himself the first one after endless hours of pointless negotiations. „I just thought…. well…..", he didn't finish the sentence.

Audrey knew exactly what he had been about to say. They had parted yesterday, without agreeing to meet again. But nevertheless, they had both come here again, at the same place, about the same time, hoping the other would be there or would show up.  
Right now, she could only laugh about it, as she thought this through. As she glanced sidelong at him, she found him smile at the same thought, too.

„And how did it work out, today?", she asked him, after a bit of time had passed.

„Don't even ask.", he sighed, blowing a ring of smoke out into the darkness. „We got… nowhere. Revolving around the same topics over and over again."

„I see.", she sighed, seeing how tensed up he suddenly was, talking about the negotiations with Suvarov.  
Audrey thought that he wouldn't continue. But he did.

„They want me to cut back our troops in the middle east and all NATO efforts in Europe."

„You can't do that.", was her first impulse of an answer, before she began to reconsider, „…in return for what?"

„Their help to track down the members of Petrovskys group and stop their attacks on our soil."

Audrey was shocked hearing that. „They offer nothing better than this?", she unbelievingly asked.

Jack silently shook his head and sighed. He stared out onto the pond in front of them. Everything around was dark. He was quite sure that there was nobody out here, listening on them- though he couldn't be so sure. He knew that he shouldn't talk to Audrey - a person not involved into their negotiations - about anything that his team and Suvarov's had discussed today.  
But he neither wanted not to tell her. Right now, he realized, he was in need of one person who he could honestly talk to.

„We wanted them to at least publicly state that Petrovsky was not a rogue agent but belonged to their troops at the time of the attacks. They won't even do that." He threw the stump of the cigarette out into the pond, continuing, „That was my personal prerequisite for any negotiation. We kept revolving around that topic again and again, although we didn't get any closer to a solution. Senator Keeler wants me to… accept their way of seeing things and go on with the conference. Ross and Michaelson want war. Of the other I'm not so sure right now."  
He sighed.

Audrey watched him closely, how he lit his second cigarette in only a few minutes. He looked rather desperate.  
After all, it seemed to calm him down a little.

„And, what do you want?", she asked him, referring to the conference.

„I don't know.", he silently answered, leaning forward and resting his elbows at his thighs. „They're lying to us. We're lying to them. On a high level."

„That wasn't what I asked, Jack. I asked wha want."

He sighed again. „I don't know, Audrey.", he answered. „I'm here as… as the vice President of Taylor. She got me here. Her administration says ‚no war' and that's what I'm going to negotiate for."

Audrey said nothing for a few moments. She was angry and she had a hard time not to let it show.

Finally, Jack realized it, too.  
„Did I say something wrong?", he asked, glancing sidelong at her.

„Yes. I… didn't think that I'd ever get a ‚politically correct' answer of you, Jack. Do you not want to tell me the truth any more?", she directly asked him, angrily looking at him. „I asked you wha wanted, not for a congress speech."

He was taken aback by her words. „You wanna know what I really want?", he spoke, turned around to her and looked deeply into her eyes. „I want to kill him. Every time I see him. Every moment. After every lie they keep telling. I just know that Suvarov and Petrovsky had held contact. Up to the very end. Even if can't prove it. They've been working together, for sure- and it was Suvarov personally, who was responsible for all those attacks."  
Jack broke away from her again, staring out onto the lake in front of them. „I know that I can't do it, Audrey. You don't need to be afraid. I'm well aware that this country depends on me not loosing it right now."

„Not only _this_ country.", she silently added, placing her hand softly at his upper back, her thumb slowly stroking over the black fabric of his suit. „The whole weight of the world seems to rest on your shoulders." Some inner voice told her, that he was might not up to this.

Jack closed his eyes for a moment, as he felt her hand on his back, her fingers stroking him softly. He had lived in solitude for so long that her touch was electrifying him.  
„Not right now.", he inaudibly breathed. Right now it was just her hand - and nothing else that was on his mind.

Audrey hesitated. She wasn't so sure if it had been a great idea to touch him at all.

Quickly she pulled her hand back.

Jack opened up his eyes again, staring at the dark lake again. She had been over the invisible border between them, if only for a few seconds.  
Now she was back at her side again.

He decided not to talk about it. Instead, he got back to their former topic. „Harry wants me to make a public statement tomorrow. That we accept their intelligence that tells us they hadn't had any contact with Petrovsky."

„Are you going to do it?" She pulled her light jacket close and crossed her arms in front of her body.

„I don't know yet.", he answered and realized that she was freezing. Hurriedly he took his jacket off and hung it around her shoulders. „Here." Jack rubbed her upper arms a few times to warm her up again.

Audrey watched him… he was suddenly so close, closer than before and threateningly trespassing the invisible border on her side, the border that they both set up, although without any words.  
Desperately, she at least tried to keep talking business. „It's your decision, Jack."

He derogatorily laughed. „No. That's way out of my hands. There are too many negotiators in that team, representing too many political views, engaged in their own plays for power…."

„But you're the acting President.", Audrey cut in.

He stopped rubbing her upper arms for a moment, looking into her eyes, „I'm merely a pawn in their game. Taylor is pulling the shots in the background and got me in place just to promote any of her decisions."

„Say no.", she breathed as an answer, and her eyes were still caught in his intense view.

For a moment, Jack thought of telling her the truth- why he couldn't say no.  
 _I am in this office, because Taylor wanted me to be there so her administration could continue. Being here is the only option to keep Anderson at bay. He'll rip you and me into pieces once Taylor doesn't protect us any more.  
_ Every morning, the two scars on his back, of the bullets of Miles Anderson him about his role in that game. Taylor needed him. He needed her.

„I can't, Audrey.", he silently answered her.  
The look in her eyes showed him that she just couldn't understand it why he said things like that.  
„I just can't, Audrey.", he silently repeated. Hesitatingly he raised his right arm, to brush one of her blonde strands out of her face.  
He was well aware that he was dangerously crossing that invisible line between them both- but he was so spellbound by that look in her eyes that he seemed to have no other choice but to get closer to her. He would have so much wanted to tell her everything, but Jack knew already that she wouldn't approve any of his decisions.

In slow-motion his hand got closer to her face.  
He was afraid that she'd pull back any other second.

She didn't.

He felt the warmth of her skin on his fingers, for a short moment, not thinking about the consequences any more.

Audrey just starred at him, still figuring out if she should be the first one to make a move towards him.  
„Ja…", she began, and was abruptly interrupted by the ringing of his phone.  
Quickly she turned away again, watching Jack sidelong how he answered the call. Harry was on the line.

After a few sentences, Jack stood up and went a few steps while talking to him.

Audrey stared at the dark lake in front of her. She took a deep breath and commanded herself to start thinking again. She had just been about to make another bad mistake, she reminded herself, by even thinking about getting closer to Jack again. There were a thousand reasons why she couldn't let that happen.

As he finally ended the call, he stood at the other end of the deck.  
„Audrey, I have to go… they want to discuss our today's results and they're already waiting for me.", he apologized.

She nodded, understandingly. „Go, Jack.", she silently answered.

He still stood there and eyed her closely - as if to ask her with his view, if everything was alright between the two of them.

Audrey put on a little smile for him. „It's okay. Really, it is.", she assured him and took off his jacket to give it back to him.

Jack told her to stop. „The way back is long, keep it. I don't need it", he said and started walking, yielding backwards for the first few steps because he just couldn't look away from her.

She saw that he was in a hurry. Obviously, coming out here, to her, hadn't fit into his timetable.  
As suddenly as he had appeared out of the nowhere, he was already gone again.  
She sighed and snuggled into his jacket, smelled at it and inhaled his scent. Although she couldn't let it happen…. being across that invisible line had made her feel alive.


	6. The evenings of a peace conference - WE

**The evenings of a peace conference, Wednesday**

.

 _Camp David_

.

.

.

As Jack sat down on the chair in his living room here, in his apartment, he held a glass of Whiskey in his right hand and his mobile phone in his left.  
Silently he put the glass down on the table. He hadn't even sipped at it yet- because the picture was all that was on his mind right now.

One of the press photographers had taken this picture on the first day of the conference. It showed him and Audrey. Off the record. In a moment where they thought they had been alone.  
Tricia Montgomery, one of his staff members hat sent it to him, only a few minutes ago, accompanied by the short message that he should prevent such moments from happening again in public - not to start some rumors going.  
For a moment he wondered if Harry had also seen that picture. Probably it was even him who had told Tricia to send him that message?

He sighed. _Don't be paranoid,_ he told himself. But he couldn't get rid of the thought that Harry already knew about this. Maybe Harry even knew about his and Audrey's meetings at the lake?

Jack smiled and unnoticeably shook his head. No. That couldn't be true. Harry would have already confronted him if he'd fear that he was getting closer to Audrey behind his back… or would he?

Suddenly he wasn't even so sure about this any more.

After a final look he put the picture on his phone away and grabbed the Whiskey instead.

Just sitting here and thinking these thoughts reminded him of how exposed his whole life was. He couldn't go one step without being watched.  
Sadly he sipped at the drink and looked at this wristwatch.

Outside, it was already dark.  
Probably, Audrey was already waiting at the deck, waiting for him to show up.

Hesitatingly Jack took the mobile phone again to call her. It had taken some effort to receive her phone number.  
Again, he sipped at the drink, before he finally called her.  
A thousand sentences circled in his mind but he couldn't decide which one to tell her. He hadn't decided how to start- as a voice on the other end answered „Heller".

„Audrey? It's me, Jack.", he stammered.

„Hi…", she breathed.

He could hear it through the phone that she had suddenly started to smile. „How'd you get my number?", she asked.

He smiled back at her, though she couldn't see it. „Well…", he sighed, „wasn't as easy as I had thought." And then he continued, before she could say one word, „Are you out there…?", he asked.

Audrey already sensed that something was not right. „No. Not yet. And you?", she asked, „Is anything wrong?"

He sighed deeply, not knowing how to start.

„Shall I come over?", Audrey probed.

„No. No no.", he answered. To quickly.

Now she got really suspicious. „Jack?", she angrily asked, „Would you please tell me what's wrong?"

„I don't know by myself.", he murmured. „I think Harry is suspecting something between us."

„That's ridiculous. You know by yourself that nothing has happened.", she answered, but although it was only the truth what she said, she suddenly felt a lump in her throat, stones on her chest and that impossible wave of sadness of being turned down by somebody.

Jack answered nothing. He heard her breathe. But he was out of words- there was nothing that he could have said and what she didn't already know.  
Yes, he couldn't see her again so quickly.  
Yes, they'd have to keep parted in public.  
Yes, they couldn't even meet secretly, for the danger of being seen would be way too high.

„I'm sorry.", he said, grabbed the glass and took a sip of the Whiskey.

Audrey heard the glass as he put it down on the table. She had already sensed that slight change in his voice - the one of being at least a bit drunk.  
Up to now, she had only very seldom heard that strange voice of him.  
Again, she couldn't hold back from asking him, „Are you really okay? I mean _really_?", she spoke.

Jack closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the palm of his left hand. Nothing was okay. But he couldn't tell her that. He had to find some words for it- he had to pack his unwell feeling into a few sentences.  
„I really wished I would have had the chance to meet you today evening. Out on our place."

„We can still go there.", Audrey silently said, although she guessed his answer.

„No we can't. I already fear that Harry… suspects something and would be spying on us. I can't have him against me- he's one of the few ones left on my side.", Jack apologized, „I'm sorry, Audrey… really, I am."

She didn't need to hear him say it twice to believe it. He had never been as exposed as he was now.  
„We can still talk.", she told him, took a blanket from the sofa in her room and sat down. „It's a secure line. I'm listening."

Unwillingly he had to smile, even though it was a sad one. „If I'd only know where to start.", he murmured and sipped at the Whiskey again.

„How many of them have you had already today?", Audrey asked- the way he had pronounced those last words let her guess.

„Haven't counted.", Jack told her and emptied the glass in one draught. „A few since I got out of the conference."

„Tell me what's wrong.", she softly said.

Jack leant back. As he heard her pleasant voice- how she spoke to him, almost affectionately he would have wanted to sit here and listen to her for a long time.  
„They're going on with the negotiations. I tried everything to stall them… or stop them… but I couldn't get them to stop. Senators Stallon and Kalynn are pushing one chapter after another through."

Audrey got suspicious. It was the umpteenth time that he told her that now - him not wanting them to continue with the negotiations. He hadn't named a specific reason for one single time. But she needed to know his reason - to understand him or not.  
„Why don't you want the peace treaty with Suvarov?", she asked him once more.

Jack took a deep breath. „Because….", he started, starring at the TV screen on the other side of the room. He didn't continue to talk.  
CNN showed pictures and short statement of Suvarov right now. There was nothing else on the news but the conference.

—

 _Four hours earlier, Conference Room_

„Break for 15 minutes. Madam," Tusker nodded at the only woman in the room, Tricia Montgomery, then at the others „Sirs… we would appreciate to continue at 4 p.m. Thank you."  
He looked across the table, at Jack, who signaled him that he wouldn't need to talk to him right now - then he left.

Jack sat approximately at the middle of the large table- Suvarov right opposite.  
They looked into each other's eyes for a short moment.

Suvarov stood up.

Jack watched him unobtrusively. To him, it felt like the older man was probing him.  
He stood up, too, and went towards the window front where he pulled out his cigarette case. It had become a ritual.  
He'd offer a cigarette to Suvarov, too, knowing that he smoked. Suvarov would decline, giving the excuse of wanting to stop.

Jack offered him his cigarette case.  
To his surprise, Suvarov really did take one today.

That also meant that he'd stay here and talk.  
Jack had to admit that he hadn't prepared for that any more, after saying no had become a ritual.  
Hesitatingly, he lit Suvarov's cigarette.

And then, the both of them stood at the windows, looking out into the gardens.

After a while, Suvarov began to talk. Jack let him do the talking - actually, he had nothing to say to this man. Ever since he had arrived here, the Russian president had treated him in a strange mixture of distrust and willful disregard.

„It seems to me, Mister Vice President", Suvarov started, „that you are not happy with these negotiations."

Jack turned to him. „Really?", was the only answer that he got out.

Suvarov smiled. „Yes." He made a short pause and took a deep breath, „but let me give you an advice, Mr. Vice President - don't. fight. it." He looked straight into Jack's eyes. „In the end, you can do nothing about what's going on around here."

„You think so?", Jack answered. He regretted it right away.

Suvarov's smile got even bigger. He acted like being the stronger one of them both - and he definitely was right. „Yes. This is politics. And in the end, you're going to realize that you are a secret service agent who was promoted to this job for what reason ever…. but that doesn't make you a politician. It's easier to bring down a vice president - even a president. But it's harder to be one."

Jack felt nothing but hate and disgust for that man. He had been playing with him, all the time. Right now, he was, too. The bad thing was, that he was right with every word he had said. They both knew that - but Jack did his best not to let it show.  
„You and I are not so much different. In the end - you are just an ex-KGB agent who came into office as well.", he spat back.

Suvarov was neither surprised nor astonished. „This was a long way, Mr. Vice President Bauer. It is a lot to change and a lot to learn to make a statesman out of an agent. And I fear you're not in this job to make this job."  
A view directly into his opponent's eyes. „You're in it for кровная месть."

Suvarov checked if he had said the right words. The small mad flicker in Jack's showed him that these had been the right words. And he had no intention of stopping.  
„No matter what position you are in, Mr. Bauer", he addressed him directly, „ _you_ will never change. And it will never be over."

Those had been Aleksandr Petrovskys words as he had killed Renee.

Suvarov had long since turned around and gone away, as Jack was still standing there, hearing those words over and over again.  
He had been fighting hard to keep his composure at all.

This was the first - and only - real proof: Petrovsky and Suvarov had been in contact. All the time. Until the very end and the last showdown.

—-

„Jack?", Audrey asked again, „Won't you… tell me what had happened?"

„I….", he started, unable to continue. He starred at the CNN program, saw Suvarov and in front of his eyes, Suvarov's face merged into Petrovsky's and back.  
He couldn't tell Audrey. She wouldn't understand it if he didn't tell her the full story.  
But he couldn't tell her the full story.

„I'm sorry Audrey.", he finally murmured. „Can't talk about this."  
Before she got the chance to answer something that would have probably changed his mind he told her to call her back and quickly hung up.

He grabbed the bottle of Whiskey and poured himself another glass.

….

Audrey sighed deeply and showed the phone to Harry.  
He sat on the chair opposite to her and had listened to the whole conversation. He had been waiting the whole evening until Jack would call Audrey.  
Actually, he would have hoped to get an answer on why Jack was so much stalling that conference. President Taylor had given him instructions to find out the reason for it.

But even after that phone call, he was no inch closer to the answer.

„He wouldn't say it.", Audrey spoke.

„I heard.", he sighed and stood up. Slowly he came over to her, bent down and kissed her on her head. „But thanks for trying. I need to call the President."

Audrey watched him leave.  
She was thankful that she was alone right now.


	7. Late Wednesday Evening

**Wednesday, late evening.**

.

.

.

As he had heard the door open up and close he had feared the worst for a moment.  
That Audrey had come here.  
Only the little sound of the door- and the possibility of her entering the room made him instantly feel guilty.

He glanced at the empty bottle of whiskey on the table next to him. Probably he had fallen asleep sitting here in this chair, sometime after finishing the last glass.  
Jack grabbed the armrests and straightened up. Slowly he reached out for the remote and switched off the TV which was still running.

After a few moments had gone by he realized that he had feared for nothing. Nobody had come here. Probably one out of his staff had opened up the front door to bring some things for tomorrow, like the final report of the day- so he could read it before joining the next round of negotiations.

Although nobody had come in, it had gotten him curious.  
Finally, he stood up. He had to go to the bedroom anyway.  
Slowly Jack staggered from the living room chair to the hallway, bumping into two cupboards on his way there. He seldom realized it when he was getting drunk - today was an exception. As he held on to the doorframe between his living room and the hallway and rubbed his eyes the small voice in the back of his head told him to stop doing this. To stop drinking. To stop trying to forget Suvarov's face by drowning it in whiskey.

On a chair, right behind the door was - as usual, at this time - the report of the day. Jack stumbled over there and grabbed the folder with the presidential seal on it.  
As he already wanted to go back his view came to rest at the suit jacket that hung over that chair's backrest. He hadn't put it there.

Gradually, Jack realized that this was the jacket that he had given to Audrey on the day before.

He reached out and took it with him, sadly.

As he had told her to keep it, he had secretly hoped to see her again once she'd give it back to him.

Jack sighed and entered the sleeping room. He threw the jacket on the other side of the bed.  
 _Don't be childish,_ he told himself, and could only laugh at himself for it.  
He had told her that he couldn't see her. Just a few hours ago over the phone.  
Of course she had to be mad at him for turning her down.

He didn't even care to undress and lay down, taking the today's report with him.  
For several moments he had to focus and concentrate to even see the words clearly. The drunkenness let the rest of the picture spin around like in a vertigo.

Katlynn and Keeler had finished another great chapter. They agreed on a joint effort to search for Petrovsky's group's remains. CIA and KGB should link their databases.  
Jack closed the file. Derogatorily he shook his head upon reading this. It was nonsense. They needn't link their databases for a joint effort. The Russians knew everything about every involved person already. Suvarov personally knew it.  
All of what had been negotiated today was a useless piece of phoney crap.

And suddenly he felt the need for a drink.

He turned to the side and spotted the black suit jacket on the bed, next to him.

And he remembered, that he was completely alone.

—-

 _In another suite_

Audrey stood at the window and looked out into the rainy night for a last time, before going to bed.  
She had sent a delivery boy over to Jack to give him back his jacket - Harry hadn't even noticed. Neither that she had had it, nor that she had given it back. But under the current circumstances it probably was the best not to attract any more attention. Jack had been right with every word. With every fear that he had had.

Slowly Harry approached her from behind and put his arms around her waist, carefully and tenderly.

She leant back, against his chest.  
For a few moments, nobody of them said anything.

She knew that Harry was far, far away with his thoughts. She saw his reflection in the window pane.  
An endless silence later, she cleared her throat to say something.  
Audrey saw that he wasn't in his best shape, either. That conference, the stress, the endless meetings, the politics, the one thousand conflicting interests within the country and the outside- they all were taking a toll on him too.

He made the same _it bothers me but I can't talk about it_ impression as Jack had made.

„Tell me… what are we fighting for?", she silently asked him.

He took a deep breath.  
„For this country.", he sighed, stood still for a few more seconds, kissed her cheek and then broke away to go to bed.

.

.

.

.

 _I'm sorry for that short chapter.  
But I need an interlude / bridge for what is about to come! _

_…. soon!_

 _Yours sincerely,_

 _amacma_


	8. The Thursday Conference

**The conference, THURSDAY**

.

.

.

Jack felt that his time was running out. Several hours had passed already, and Katlynn and Keeler had again progressed through the chapters at a pace that was too good to be true.

Jack glanced at the others at the table. Suvarov sat across him - but like him - the Russian president hadn't contributed to the negotiations at all up to now.  
The diplomats at the other end of the long table had done all the work of today.

He eyed them closely. That progress was too good to be true. He wondered since days how two nations that were at the brink of starting a new world war could sit across each other on a table and almost constantly agree on how to handle things.  
But apart from him, nobody else around here seemed to be as suspicious. They all seemed to cheer about their diplomatic progress.

Jack turned back to the papers in front of him and read them through. They were the latest statements that had been added to the bilateral agreement which should be signed tomorrow afternoon.  
He couldn't cheer about it like all the others.  
He just couldn't get rid of his suspiciousness against Suvarov and all the people that he had brought with him.

But the beat went on and on. Inexorably one after one chapter was pushed through by the diplomats.

Lost in thoughts, Jack reached into the pocket of his jacket to check if he had his cigarette case with him. He needed a break - alone. They'd continue without him if he'd make it look like he was going to the bathroom for a few minutes only.

Reassured that the small metal case was there, he pulled his hand out of the pocket again, as he felt that there was a crumpled up piece of paper inside the pocket as well.  
Curiously he groped for it - the conference thoroughly forgotten for a moment - and pulled out a little piece of paper. It was white, folded twice.

Tricia Montgomery sat at his right side.

Unobtrusively Jack let the piece of paper slip into this other hand, to have it on his left side where there was only one of his personal translators.

 _He knows it all. Meet me - important - 11:15, stables,_ the message read.

Although a shot of adrenaline rushed through his veins upon recognizing Audrey's handwriting, he crumpled it up like a piece of useless trash paper, not to let anyone get suspicious.  
His eyes were suddenly searching for Harry among all the people in here.

There he was. His chief of staff sat to his right, too, behind Ms. Montgomery, a senator and a diplomat named Brighton.

Harry didn't even turn around, as Jack stood up and apologized to Tricia Montgomery that they all should continue without him for a moments.  
Carefully, Jack watched him on his way over to the door.  
Harry didn't even turn around once. Chances were getting better that this was not just a trap after all.

* * *

 _Stables, 11:25_

As he rushed in, he feared that he might was too late already.  
He had read Audrey's message for the first time after her proposed meeting time was already five minutes past.  
And although- or maybe because - he was the vice president, it hadn't been easy for him to sneak away from the conference rooms, out of the house and past the tennis courts and to get to the stables unnoticed.

He went down the aisle between the rows of boxes, hoping that she was still there. He didn't dare call her name out loud.

 _Jack!_ A sharp whisper.

He stopped and turned around, finding her inside of one of the horse boxes.  
Quickly he rushed over to her- she held the door open and let him come to the inside.

„Come in.", she hissed and closed the door behind them again, before they crouched down behind the wall for that nobody could see them from the outside. „There are patrols every 7 minutes."

Jack looked at her, astounded. For a moment he didn't even know what to say although he wanted to know it all. Audrey looked as good as ever. She was worried- he saw- but it seemed to be more worries about him than about herself.

After listening out if the guard was already here - but she heard no steps - she turned to Jack. „Harry has been following _you_. Not me. He found us out on the deck, both evenings."

„Why would he follow _me_?", Jack hissed back. He would have believed her if she had told him that Harry had been spying on her because of jealousy, but it was hard for him to believe that Harry was spying on _him_.

„Harry got assigned by Taylor to do it. I found out."  
Audrey wasn't feeling well, telling Jack about the things that Harry had told her in confidence. As she looked at him- looked into his eyes- she inevitably felt her old feelings for Jack come up again. But also the hurt, as he had left her a year ago.

„Taylor? Why would she do that?" He was getting angrier upon each word.

Audrey suddenly placed her hand at his mouth to shut him up. From the far end of the corridor, they both heard how a security guard had entered the stables and slowly strode down the corridor, searching for anything abnormal.

Silently Jack and Audrey looked into each other's eyes. He could see the tension in hers. She could see the boiling anger in his, and the thousand questions within that single view: _what are you all doing behind my back?_

The security guard looked into each one of the empty horse boxes. As he passed by the box of a beautiful black mare named ‚Whiteout' he had a short look at her, like at all the other horses in here and went on, looking into the next empty stall.

Jack and Audrey didn't dare to move. They didn't even breathe at all. For some moments, the _what if we were found_ thoughts had come across their minds.  
But after the security guard had passed them, they strain fell off.

Calmly, the black _Whiteout_ bowed her head down and snuffed at the two intruders in her home.

The guard had finally finished his tour and left through the back door, where Jack had come in.

In the meantime, Jack's anger had calmed at least a bit down. „Why does Taylor do that?", he asked Audrey again. „Why does she make Harry my watchdog?"

She looked into his eyes and was sorry for saying that answer already. „You've got problems, Jack. You and I both know that." She didn't say anything else.

He lowered his view, slightly shaking his head. „Is that what Harry told you? Or did he probably tell you that he was afraid I'd fuck up this conference? That I'd drown myself in Whiskey or whatever and cross their all plans?"  
As she didn't answer anything his thoughts were still racing. „And whose side _are you_ on?"

She didn't answer anything because she wasn't sure what to answer at all. What side was she on? The side that made her afraid of Jack ruining the outcome of this conference and the possible prospect of a future peace? Or just the side where she cared about him?

Jack reached out and grabbed her upper arm, forcing her to look at him. „Audrey?"

She was almost afraid to look into his eyes. But she had to. Hesitatingly, she again eyed him from head to toe. He was so changed, compared to how she had remembered him. That expensive suit fit him perfectly. The man whom she had remembered to be a warrior had turned into somebody completely different. The man who had opened up his heart and had told her about his sorrows a few days ago, he didn't seem to be weak at all.

„Audrey? What do _you_ want me to tell you? What are you here for?", he asked her again, insistently. „Do you think I'd break and fall and tear this whole country down with me, based on some irrational decisions?"

„Jack, I…", she sniffed.

„Audrey…", He didn't let her continue, because there were no words that she could have said right now- no words that would have changed his mind. Part of him was angry and mad at her. Part of him could understand her.  
„Don't think I'm going to break, just because I opened up and showed you my weak side a few days ago."

„Won't you?", she silently answered. She felt endlessly ashamed and bad right now- for accusing him of anything. He had opened up, probably telling her things that he hadn't told anyone ever before and ever after and all she had done was to interpret that as weakness.

Jack shook his head- only a little bit, but enough for her to see it. He even put on a little smile to reassure her. „I won't. Believe me. I base my actions on rational decisions. And my decisions on evidence."

Finally, he stood up and got out of their hideout. Having had to say those words- having to justify his actions to _her_ was no pleasure to him.  
He felt like he had lost his last friend and his last anchor.

Audrey rushed after him, as she saw him leave. She wasn't happy with that outcome of their conversation.  
„Jack!", she called out twice, and grabbed his shoulder from behind, to stop him, after he hadn't reacted.

He turned around and found her close to tears.

For a few moments they stood there, an arm's length apart, nobody said a word.  
Frightened. Frightened about what had been said. Scared. Scared about the possible prospect of losing the dearest friend or person who they had thought to be an anchor and safe harbor, whatever would come.

Hesitatingly Jack made a step towards her and even more hesitatingly he took her into his arms. „Audrey…" he whispered into her ear, „Listen, I promise one thing to you now: If _this_ conference is going down without a peace agreement, then _only_ because of substantiated evidence and _not_ because of any of my moods."

„I'm sorry Jack….", she whispered back and tried to cling to him, but he wouldn't let her.

As he let go of her and rushed away, she feared that she had broken his heart and his trust beyond repair.


	9. Friday

**Friday morning**

.

.

.

.

It was just past 7 a.m..  
As he stepped in front of the large mirror in his bathroom, he only hesitatingly raised his head to look at himself.

Deep rings accompanied his eyes.  
He had had too much yesterday. Too much of the conference and too much Whiskey afterwards.

Ever before _she_ had showed up, he had thought that he'd have his little issue under control. But right now he had to admit, that it was all way out of control.

There was a bottle of aspirin here. Hesitatingly he took it, screwed the top off and took out the little second bottle that had been hidden in it.  
It was for emergencies only. He used it on those days when he woke up and was so tired that he could have gone straight to bed again instead of attending a 14 hour marathon of meetings and conferences.

Because he couldn't afford a razor blade and some other, obvious stuff around here, he screwed the top off and simply tapped onto the bottle until a small heap of the white powder landed on the wrist of his left hand.

The day could start.

He took a quick shower and got dressed.  
Got out of his quarters and met with Harry and Tricia Montgomery.  
Heard the first news of the day.  
Attended the pre-conference meeting.  
Held a small press conference, reciting a speech that Tricia's staff had prepared.

In that little break between the press conference and the start of the peace conference, he already felt beaten and worn out again.  
He managed to separate from the others, to smoke a cigarette and have at least a few minutes for himself.

While he stood at one of the windows on the back side of the Camp David main building, he looked out onto the large land of the estate. Behind the tennis courts were the stables and right next to them a few paddocks. Pristine lawn everywhere else, as far as he could see.  
Three stable lads led some of the horses out of the stables and into one of the paddocks.

Jack watched the black one that was already in the paddock.  
Most likely it was _Whiteout_ , the only witness of his and Audrey's meeting.

He took out his phone and told his secretary to put him in touch with the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. „Professor O'Brian, please."

—-

 _Audrey's and Harry's quarters, Camp David._

Audrey had just entered their rooms again, coming back from a longer tour of running through the picturesque surroundings here at Camp David.  
She had also seen come by the paddocks and had even stopped to take a look at the beautiful black mare named _Whiteout_. It was the only black horse around here.  
She had stood there for a long time, looking at the main building, where the negotiations were taking place.

Even now, two hours later, she still couldn't get her thoughts off the conference and off Jack any more. He had promised her to do nothing stupid.  
But as Harry had stopped by today noon, he had been really upset about something that Jack had said or done before. It looked like there were bigger problems to come.

She put away her shoes and went into the living room. The door wasn't completely closed.  
The closer she came, the louder she heard the voices in there.  
Harry was not alone.

Audrey stopped for a moment and listened. She knew the man's voice. It was James Brighton, one of the diplomats and also a team member in the conference.

 _He's losing it. We need to do something against this, Harry. I won't let one single man destroy all we've reached in the past week,_ somebody hissed.

 _I know. That won't happen. I've already taken precautions,_ Harry answered.

Audrey didn't want to keep spying on them. She pushed the door open and entered the room.

Harry and Brighton shut up at once.  
„Hi… my dear.", Harry stammered as he saw her.

She didn't let anything show that she had been listening on them.  
Instead, she put on a smile, threw a towel around her sweaty neck and went across the room to give him a kiss. „Hi, I'm back. Didn't expect you here.", she said to him and then shook hands with Brighton. „I better leave you two alone."

As she already left them again, heading for the bathroom, she couldn't avoid noticing a transparent plastic bag on the counter next to Harry. There was a gun in it. That was the thing he and Brighton had been talking about.

Audrey crouched down behind the bathroom door and kept watching them through the key hole.

Harry took the bag with the gun- by now she realized that it was an official bag, carrying the „evidence" seal of the military intelligence section on it. A second and a third bag were also there.  
Harry took the bag with the gun and one of the smaller bags and put them into the safe which was hidden behind a picture on the wall.  
One of the smaller envelopes he took and put it into his briefcase.

Then he and Brighton shook hands and both left the room.

Audrey heard them say something like _he'll do anything we want him to,_ as they made her way out.

A wave of adrenaline rushed through her veins. This was about Jack. There was no doubt.  
Again, she peeked through the key hole. Nobody was out there. Harry had left his briefcase but he'd come back for it, soon.

Her heart racing she sank down to the bathroom floor. She wanted to know what it was that Harry and Brighton had and could use against Jack.  
Was it time to finally decide for one side of the game?

She opened up the door and took only her mobile phone with her.  
Unnoticed she opened up Harry's briefcase and grabbed the little bag of evidence. It was a bag containing photos.  
Audrey didn't dare to open up the seal. Instead, she looked at the uppermost of the approximately 10 pictures. It was a black and white of a really awful place of slaughter. Numerous dead bodies lay there, arms and legs often severed as if they had been shot by a large caliber gun or a hit by shells.  
She counted at least six men and one person where she wasn't sure if it was a man or a woman. But judging from the boney figure, she guessed it to be a woman. They all lay in front of some military vehicles, on a paved plaza.

Audrey was still looking at the picture as the door to the living room got suddenly opened up again by Harry.

He had the most angry look at her that she could think of.

„So what side are you on, Audrey?", he hissed.

„Harry…", she stammered and the envelope slipped out of her hands, back into his briefcase. „I…"

„Whatever side you are on, _Audrey_ ," Harry hissed and came a few steps closer, „you can't stop what's happening. We've got to get him under control. _He_ is a threat to this country."

Audrey was suddenly afraid of him. The way he acted -the way he threatened her verbally… the way he came closer…. she yielded back a few steps. But towards where? Behind her was only the door to the bathroom- but even that was a dead end street, without a window.  
„What is this?", she asked him, waving her hand at the pack of evidence photos in his briefcase.

Harry sighed. Finally, he grabbed the open briefcase and smashed it closed.  
He turned to Audrey again. „None of your concern.", and took a deep breath. „I almost believed…." he didn't even continue the sentence but just looked at her, annoyed.  
The trap had worked. She had proven on whose side she was.

„What now?" Audrey stammered. Her voice broke.

Harry saw the mobile phone in her hand.  
„Give it to me.", he said and held out his hand to take it.

She hesitated.  
What would he do? How far would he go?  
Something must have happened today.  
„And if not?", he hesitatingly answered.

„Damnit, Audrey…", Harry answered. „DAMNIT!", he roared and hit his fist so hard against the bureau on his left that Audrey already thought it would break apart.

She was shocked by the outburst of his anger.

„Jack is going to destroy these negotiations. Today morning he should have read a statement at the press conference, about the successful final agreement. Do you know what he did?" Harry came closer. „He at first postponed. And half an hour ago he publicly expressed his personal doubts and that the negotiations would probably go on." Intensely he looked at her, „This country will be at war in a few days if nobody stops him."

Audrey said nothing. She didn't even know at whose side she was. Since yesterday she knew it for sure- again: she loved Jack. But she didn't want him to ruin the conference. She didn't want him to engulf this country in misery.  
„There must be a reason for this.", she answered, „He must have a reason."

Harry shook his head. „No, he doesn't. He's freakin out."

Audrey couldn't believe it. He had promised to her. She could still remember Jack's words as he had promised to her that he'd not do anything stupid. He had promised to her that he would base all his actions on evidence.  
„I want to talk to him.", she answered.

Harry didn't answer anything. Angrily he looked at the mobile phone in her hand.

She typed in Jack's number.

A thousand Volts of tension crackled in the air between her and Harry.  
Audrey saw him hesitate and think.  
She didn't know how far he'd go to stop her from calling Jack.

As she had pressed the ‚call' button, hell broke loose. Harry dashed over to her, trying to take the phone away from her.

She started to run, aimlessly, into the bathroom, smashing the door closed behind her and trying literally everything to keep him from coming in and taking the phone away from her.

It rang.

Harry rattled at the door.

It still rang.

He was now throwing himself against the door to break the lock.

„JACK!", Audrey roared into the phone. She knew that she hadn't got a lot of time to warn him of what was about to come.


	10. Trust, pt I

_Sir, please, stand ba…_ she heard one of the secret service men say- but he couldn't even finish his sentence as he rudely got pushed away.  
 _Get the hell out of my way,_ she heard somebody else's voice hiss.

The secret service officers couldn't do anything against it. They had their weapons drawn to storm the living quarters of Ms. Heller and Chief of Staff Tusker, but Jack went past them. He was sure that nobody in here would shoot at him. If Harry wanted to harm him - he'd have done it long ago.

The men searched all the rooms. Finally, they had also lowered their weapons.

 _Clear,_ Jack heard them shout, one by one.  
He found a used white towel on the floor and looked at the bathroom door ahead.  
Slowly, he went on. The door wasn't locked - it wasn't even completely closed.  
Carefully, he pushed it open and found Audrey sitting on the edge of the bathtub.

As she realized he was here she looked up into Jack's eyes.

Wordlessly the two of them stared at each other for a few moments. Nobody said a word.  
Jack saw how torn she was. Somehow, her view begged him not to ask any questions. But they both knew that it was too late for that.

One of the secret service agents approached Jack on the outside and told him that the rest of the living quarters was empty.

 _Give me a few minutes. Wait out here,_ Jack answered and left the agents alone out on the hallway as he stepped into the bathroom.

Slowly he strode the few steps over to Audrey.

She had at first buried her face in her hands, then she hugged herself because of the cold, staring at a point far far away, in her thoughts.

Jack was worried about her.  
Cautiously he knelt down in front of her and waited until she had calmed down at least that much that she could look into his eyes.  
She had cried.

„Audrey…", Jack silently began.

She sniffed.

„What happened to you? Are you okay?", he asked in a whisper. He saw her shake and tremble. Cautiously he laid his left hand at her knee, but as he did it, he could see that it didn't make things better - even worse. „Where's Harry?"

„Jack.", she began, took a deep breath and wiped some tears away. „You told me you'd not do anything stupid."

He nodded. He heard the accusing tone in her voice. „I know."

„You promised me.", she sobbed and helplessly slammed her fist against his torso. „Goddamnit." Harder, once more. „I was always on your side!", she hissed. „And you…"

Jack was stunned by her sudden aggressiveness. He grabbed her by her upper arms. Rudely- to stop her from hitting him again. „Would you _please_ tell me what's going on here?", he hissed back.

She looked into his eyes. „ _You_ ask _me?_ About _that_? Jack, Harry just told me that you're going to throw this peace conference away. You're about to start the third world war." She was endlessly angry at him.

„Is that what he told you?" Jack couldn't believe it as he heard what was going on behind his back. „Where is Harry?", he asked again. „Audrey, I want to know what happened here. Did he hurt you?"

She wordlessly shook her head.

Jack feared that she wouldn't talk about it at all. She was torn between her loyalty to Harry and the rest of their both feelings for each other.  
„Audrey…. please.", he implored and gave her a few moments, „You called _me_. I heard you scream my name. I heard your and Harrys voices, arguing… Audrey, please" He was worried about her. No matter if she'd tell him the truth or not, he needed to know if she was safe here.  
For a moment he even forgot the treaty and the negotiations.

Audrey pulled herself together. She took a deep breath and then looked into Jack's eyes. „Promise me you won't harm him."

Jack hesitated. He had a hard time giving Audrey a promise that he'd be hardly able to keep. Hesitatingly he answered _I promise_.  
„Tell me what's going on here." … _please._

Audrey finally stood up and went across the room. She leant onto the sink and looked into the large mirror in front of her, seeing Jack stand up, too.  
„As I came home, half an hour ago… Harry was talking to Brighton. About you. I don't know anything else about it. I eavesdropped on them."

„You mean Chester Brighton, the Secretary of State's right hand man?"

Audrey nodded her head. „Yes. They had…. some bags with pieces of evidence. Don't know what for, but I believe they were making up some plans. Against you."

Jack's features turned earnest.

„I don't know anything else about it, Jack.", she continued. "I saw a black and white photo in a sealed bag. It was a war scene.. or something like it. They had a gun and something else, probably a bullet."

„How would you know that they are conspiring against _me_?"

She needed a few monuments to decide what to tell him. She had already said too much- that relationship with Harry was over. It made her sad.

Audrey raised her view and seized up Jack.  
He looked good in his suit. Strong. Sincere. Honest. Focused.  
But looks could be deceiving. As she thought back to their conversations from a few days ago, she remembered that it was way different. He was acting a role, performing duties that he probably wasn't even up to. He had nobody on his side.  
As much as she wanted to be _the one_ \- the only one on his side - she simply couldn't do it. Not if what Harry had told her was true. Not if Jack was throwing this peace away. There was too much at the stake.  
Being on his side was plain wrong.

„Audrey?", Jack asked. He felt uncomfortable being seized up like this.

„Are you really throwing the peace treaty away?", she asked him.

The man she saw in the mirror nodded his head yes. „I fear that's what they'll be saying in the evening news. I called the official statement and signature off what was planned for today afternoon."

She saw him approach her from behind.  
Audrey closed her eyes. She felt how he softly placed his hand at her shoulder. „You promised me you wouldn't do it without a reason.", she breathed.

He leant over and whispered into her ear „I do have a reason. I promised you, remember?"

„To throw away what 20 people negotiated in five days?", she sadly smiled, „To put our country at war and kill i don't know how many soldiers? _Can_ there even be a reason for something like this?"

He forced her to turn around to him. They stood, facing each other, faces only inches apart.

„Yes.", Jack answered. „Yes, there is."

„Tell me."

„Tell me what happened in here."

—

 _Half an hour earlier, Audrey's and Harry's quarters_

„GIVE ME THE PHONE!", Harry shouted and thew himself against the bathroom door. The lock broke and stumbled into the room.

Again, Audrey screamed. But it was not Jack's name any more. She just screamed.

He grabbed the phone and ripped it out of her hand, took it and smashed it at the floor with full force. It broke into a thousand pieces.

She yielded back into the far corner of the room. She couldn't believe that the man who had shared a bed with her for the past year was suddenly so aggressive.

Harry took a few deep breaths to calm down.  
„I'm sorry, Audrey.", he breathed. „This it not against _you_. I hope you know that."

„About what is it then?", she answered, her voice shaking.

„Did you talk to Jack lately?", he asked her.

She didn't answer.

Harry frowned. „You don't have to tell me anything, Audrey. I've been following you both." He kicked some of the pieces of the shattered mobile phone around as if he wanted to see that it was really completely destroyed. „If you wanna go back to him… fine." He turned around to her. „But I won't let him ruin this country."

Audrey saw his determinedness. „How, Harry, huh? It's not that easy to overthrow a Vice President."

He shook his head. „Normally not. But the congress and the cabinet are _against_ his recent decisions. Don't forget that. They'll all be behind me."

„That alone is not enough, Harry." She tried everything to calm him down although she had no illusion of being able to talk him out of overthrowing Jack. „To get them to vote for an Article 25, you need more."

„I have more, trust me. Evidence I never wanted to use."  
For a last time he looked around in the room, shook his head slightly, as if he wanted to tell her that anything she said right now wouldn't matter anyway and turned around to leave.

…

„He said he had some evidence.", Audrey muttered. She looked into Jack's eyes, asking him the silent question: _what is it that you've done? what makes him have evidence to push you out of office?_

Jack didn't answer. He went over to the door, looked outside and told the secret service agents to find Harry and Brighton and put them into holding.

He turned back to Audrey a last time. „I know what you've done for me…. telling me all this. Thank you."

She just nodded and murmured _don't hurt him._

Feeling uneasy, Jack went out of the room. He had answered nothing.

She rushed after him, ripped the door open and found the group of men leaving her living quarters. „Jack!", she shouted. „Tell me you won't do that!"

He turned around, walking, but said nothing. And he didn't stop.


	11. Trust, pt II

Holding / Interrogation Room

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.

.

It hadn't taken them long to find Harry Tusker and James Brighton.  
The commanding officer of the Secret Service held the door open for Jack, to let him enter the little adjoined room on the other side of the large wall mirror.

The officer who was in the room, watching Tusker through the glass stood at once as he realized the high ranking visitor. „Sir!", he reported and saluted.

Jack indicated him to sit down again and stop the unnecessary formalities. „What do you have?", he asked.

The officer pointed at three bags of evidence. They all carried the official „Military Intelligence" signs. „He carried these with him as he met Mr. Brighton."

Jack took the first bag - the one with the photos - to look at it.  
As he saw the black and white photography of obviously eight men of Petrovsky and that woman who they had been holding… for a moment Jack felt like the ground had been pulled away and his knees would be giving in.  
This picture - Renee, killed, her and her tormentors bodies being ripped apart by Tusker's airstrike had haunted him in his dreams for the past 12 months.

„Sir..?", the officer concernedly asked, „is everything alright?" He had seen the sudden change in Jack's view. It was obvious how shocked he was. „Sir?"

Jack was so engrossed in his worst memories that the other's voice sounded like someone who was trying to make contact out of a foreign galaxy. Again, he heard the man ask if he would be alright.  
 _Everything's alright,_ Jack murmured, still looking at the photograph.

Disgust - disgust about himself, long since drowned pain and hate arose inside him. He felt it starting somewhere deep down.  
 _Control yourself,_ he thought. He wasn't allowed to let it out. Because if he had done that in the past, he had most of the times killed somebody in blind rage.

It was hard to control himself. It was even harder to swallow the pain and to push away the hate and the anger.  
He finally put the photograph away. Inside the other two bags were a gun and a cartridge case.

Jack turned away from them. He couldn't handle these things, he knew, if he looked at them any longer. „Put them into a box and bring'em into my quarters.", he ordered the man. „I want these under constant watch. Nobody to be allowed to them besides me."

The man nodded _yes Sir_ and grabbed the three bags.

Jack went over to the back of the mirror. Harry sat on a chair in front of a metal desk. Standard equipment. His hands were bound to the armrests of the chair.  
The anger still growled inside Jack.  
„Do you record him?", he asked.

„No Sir, not right now. It's on pause."

„I want you to switch off all recording devices.", Jack began, and turned around to him. „And I want you to leave this room."

The man stared at him, eyes ripped widely open. Security details spun in his thoughts. He wasn't allowed to leave the Vice President alone with a fugitive. He wasn't allowed to switch off the recording devices.

Jack knew that he had to do better than that. „I need to discuss matters of national security with Mr. Tusker. In private. No recording."  
The secret service man seemed to understand.

Although he was violating five different regulations in one moment, he handed his key card over to Jack. „1-4-4-2-7", he told him the code. He wouldn't deny the Vice President his wish.

Jack took the key card.  
Silently, he stayed watching Harry through the glass until the agent had taken the bags of evidence and had left.  
He reminded himself to keep his anger at bay.

But it didn't work.

Jack opened up the lock and let the door swing open.  
He saw through the mirror that Harry expectantly starred at the open door.

Reluctantly Jack finally walked in. He feared that fighting back his anger would become a losing game.  
Right as he had entered the room he got it confirmed.

„Jack.", Harry spoke. He saw that look in his opponent's eyes. He knew everything about him. He had read his file. He knew how Jack treated his fugitives.  
He tried to be prepared for pain.

Jack began to circle him. Silently.

Harry eyed him. As he couldn't bear the silence any more, he chose himself to be the first to talk. „This wouldn't have needed to come that far."

„No?", Jack answered. He suddenly grabbed the edge of the metal table in front of Harry and threw it over. „NO?", he roared. „DAMNIT I TRUSTED YOU!"

Harry tensed up and expected a hard blow of a fist - somewhere - anywhere, right to come. But it didn't.

Instead, Jack grabbed the second chair in the room and sat down in front of Harry, took out his cigarettes and lit one.

Harry watched him, suspiciously. Instead of being beaten to death a thought crept into his conscience that he might get significantly burned.

„Why do you do this to me, Harry?", Jack finally asked.

„You called the conference off, Jack. We've all worked for it, for months. All of us but _you_. And now… in the end you come around and ruin it…"

„… just because I personally hate Suvarov, right?", Jack finished the sentence. „Just because I want to take revenge for Agent Walker?"  
He looked right into Harry's eyes. „He told me things that only Petrovsky could know. Do you know what that means, Harry? Suvarov and Petrovsky held contact up to the very end. They're in cahoots together."

„Gooooood, Jack.", Harry answered, unnerved. „Is that a reason to send two countries at war?", he breathed.

„I know.", Jack lowered his view. „Think back a few years. If it weren't Suvarow and Petrovsky that we're talking about- and if you were still head of Military Intelligence. What would you have done after receiving such a witness statement?"

Harry shook his head. „You can't compare that, Jack."

„Yes, I can. Tell me. What. would. you. have. done." He stressed each word to get him believing how important this question was.

„I would have started some investigations.", Harry finally said the words Jack wanted to hear. „But not if it was Suvarow. Jack, on this kind of political level there are other rules."

„Maybe there are." Jack stood up and went over to the large mirror, looking at himself and at Harry behind him. „Maybe that's why you're trying to bring me to court for murder. Is that what you were up to?"  
He turned around.

Harry shook his head. „No. Force you to resign. That was it."

They both stood there, silently looking at each other.

Harry wondered what was going on inside Jack's mind. No more rage. As he had seen him enter the room, he had feared that he'd leave it on a stretcher.

Jack looked at his wristwatch, left the interrogation room for a moment and came back with a bunch of keys.  
He hunkered down in front of his captive and took off the cuffs around his ankles.

Before opening up the cuffs around his hands he hesitated for a moment. „I risked and I gave too much up for the sake of this country, Harry. So don't doubt me when I make my decisions, alright?"

Confusedly Harry let Jack uncuff him.

„You like to think that there are different rules on this level. But there aren't. Don't be afraid of Suvarov like that." Jack stood up.

„What now?", Harry asked him.

„Officially, you're under arrest. But I want you to see something."

As they passed the outer door, Jack instructed the Secret Service agent to take his Chief of Staff to the meeting room- under arrest and under constant oversight, but without handcuffs.


	12. Trust, pt III

Central meeting room

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.

.

.

Harry still couldn't believe what was going on. One second, he was trying to push Jack out of office to get him thinking straight, the next moment he got betrayed by Audrey, was held as a fugitive and got released right after.

The Agent had led him to the rear area of a meeting room that was beginning to get crowded. Some of the Generals out of the ranks of the joint chiefs sat at the main U-arranged tables, along with cabinet members.  
In the next row sat all the members of the negotiations team.  
Behind them, a few rows of seats with White House staff and other people. No audio recording devices, no phones, nothing else. They had declared this meeting „national security relevant".

As Harry searched the rows of people, he suddenly froze.

Audrey was here.

She turned around and seized him up, but then she turned back front.

He asked the Secret Service agent if it was okay to go over and talk to her. The man didn't object.

Slowly, Harry approached her from behind and crouched down behind her chair. „Audrey."

„I don't want to hear it, Harry.", she said. „You had your reasons. And I had mine."

He knew what she was saying with this.

The voice of the announcer shot through the air, ending all conversations. _Please stand up for the Vice President of the United States._  
The secret service agent patted on Harry's shoulder and ordered him back.

Spellbound, Audrey watched Jack enter the small stage.

„Ladies and Gentlemen.", he began. „This day was chosen to be historic moment. It should have been the moment for us to sign a peace treaty with one of our countries of greatest threats. But instead, this day will be historic for us for a different reason: for _not_ signing this paper."

A loud murmur went through the crowd.

Undeterred, Jack continued. „In the year 1938 Churchill and Hitler negotiated for peace. They could have stopped what was about to come." He made a pause and looked at the people's faces. One by one. „But they didn't agree on _any_ price. And we can also not agree on _any_ price."

He stepped down from the speaker's desk and on the monitors behind him, a part of the peace treaty's text appeared.

„This provision of the treaty, including it's technical annex, didn't seem to be very interesting." He read aloud _both countries agree on the use of the CP-II standard interface for transfer services_ „I was told that official russian service already contacted us with technical details and first tries to connect. This service - although officially only an interface to coordinate basic military movements, was redesign by them to breach our firewalls and security details."

„How would you know that?", one of the people in the audience shouted.

Jack turned around and searched for the person.  
Everybody else was also looking for him. And their views finally centered on no other but the Secretary of State Howard.

Jack let his assistant play an audio file.

They all heard now President Suvarov's voice, talking to one of his ministers. A transcript in English was shown on the large screens.

 _As long as they agree on the interface…. does not matter what else is the outcome.  
Can give … for the negotiations,… (followed by a list of agenda items)_

The audio file ended.

But eerie silence was in the room. Nobody wanted to say a word.

„I was informed that the technical specifications were designed to allow the Russian government to find out about all our agents on their soil. Every undercover operation could be breached by tomorrow if we go on with this."

The Generals were caught up in planning their next military moves which had suddenly become a lot more important than two days ago.  
The negotiators of the peace conference were shocked about their obvious failure and some were angry about him for destroying what they had been fighting for.

But right now, nobody doubted the decision any more.  
Under the light of these new pieces of evidence the only thing to do was to call the peace conference off. It had been a trick to ask for one thing and get another through the back door.

The Q&A started. Everyone had prepared questions. But most of them had been thrown away a few seconds ago.  
„How did you find that all out?", the head of the Army asked.

„A special task force of CTU had been given the task to screen every little detail of this negotiation outcome."

„Why weren't we involved in this process?", Secretary of Defense Heller asked.

„The smaller the circle, the better.", Jack replied. For a moment he wondered if Heller now believed that Audrey had known about this.

He searched for her in the crowd, knowing that she was here, definitely. But he couldn't find her. The spot lights on the ceiling blinded him in a way that he couldn't tell anything or anyone who was behind the third row.  
He just hoped she'd be here.

„How did you receive the audio file?", the Secretary of State asked.

Jack stepped down from the speaker's desk again and went over to him. „I am willing to do everything…" the tone couldn't make it any clearer, „… it takes to keep this country safe."

This was his enemy. For a moment he wondered, if Howards next question would be about his still arrested right hand man Brighton.  
But the Secretary of State bit anything else back. He would be fighting a losing game. The joint chiefs… the cabinet… they suddenly seemed to be on Jack's side and agreed on not signing that conference outcome.  
He thought about the millions of dollars of his companies that had been invested on Russian territory … to be blocked by the coming days' events.

The Joint Chief's president presented their agenda for the coming hours. The real work was just about to start.

Jack closed the meeting and the crowd silently dissolved under high-confidentiality measures about what had been said in here.

….

 _Later, the same day_

Audrey had called Jack's number five times in a row. No answer.

That's why she came here.  
The post on the front entrance had smiled at her and had let her in, without saying one word or without requiring any ID.

Slowly, she went through the presidential offices. She had been here before, some years ago. Surprisingly little had changed in the meantime.

There were some open office desks. People ran around everywhere. Some on the phone. Hectic. Generals ran in and out. Army and Navy liaison officers.  
She remembered being one of them, in her past DoD times.

Although she stood in the middle of the room, nobody seemed to notice her in their rush.

Finally, she found Jack. He stood at a high coffee table, discussing some papers with one of the Navy officers and a second person whom she had never seen before.

Audrey didn't want to interrupt them.  
Since nobody noticed her anyway, she simply stayed where she was and watched him from far. Some rough hours of work had passed. She guessed that Jack was at the same time preparing for world war 3 and for a second set of peace negotiations which would be held at a very different level.

He vividly discussed something with these two persons.  
From time to time he sipped at a cup of coffee.  
He had taken his jacket off long ago, it seemed, and had rolled up his sleeves. She could even see the tattoos on his forearms from time to time. Something that showed that he probably settled into office a little little better. A year ago, he would't have let such details show, she was sure.

Right as they ended their conversation he spotted her.

Audrey put on a little smile.

Jack shook hands with the general and then smiled back at her. He beckoned her over.

Hesitatingly Audrey went a across the large office. „Hi", she simply said.

„Hey.", he answered.

„I'm glad you're still smiling.", she spoke. „After all."

„Especially after today.", he added, „we're preparing for a war that I don't wanna have."  
An assistant approached him from behind and gave him a few important orders to sign. _Thanks Shelly, I'll read that through and you can get them in 10 minutes,_ he told her and took the papers.  
„Do you wanna come in?", he asked Audrey showing her the way over to his office.

She nodded her hand yes and followed him. As he held the door open for her and briefly touched the small of her back, as she entered the room, she felt a real wave of excitement.

She sat down at the couch and watched him throw the orders at his messy desk and pour himself another cup of coffee.  
As he came back to her she slid to the side to make some space for him to sit down.

He yawned as he sat down. „Sorry.", he embarrassedly murmured at her.

Smiling, she shook her head. „That's okay. Quite something going on out there, isn't it?"

He nodded _yes._ „Although I wished the CTU report would have just told me to sign that damn paper and get it over with."

„Would you have signed it?"

He nodded. „Yes." and took a deep breath as he leant back into the upholstery with closed eyes. After a few moments he just opened up one and glanced at her, „You don't believe me, right?"

„I do."  
She sighed. She was so sorry to have doubted him. All the times when she and Harry had worried that Jack might throw peace away because of his personal revenge.  
„Jack…" Right as she wanted to say something, he cut her off.

„Don't", he interrupted her. „Don't apologize. You don't have to."

„Really?"

He shook his head. „No. You don't have to apologize. I should have never torn you into this all." Jack leant forward again. „But… probably… if it wasn't for you… we'd not be sitting here at all. Suvarov would have all our agents' files and maybe the war… would happen anyway"

Audrey placed her hand at his shoulder. „Stop it.", she said, „stop the ‚what if' thinking. That leads nowhere."

He at least stopped talking about it- but the thoughts went on, as he stared at the coffee mug on the table in front of them.  
„How's it going with Harry?", he finally asked her.

Audrey pulled her hand back. „It's okay." she answered.

„Really?"

She shook her head. „No. How should it be." She turned away.

Jack couldn't stand to watch her like this. He slowly leant over to her. Cautiously he laid his hand at her shoulder.  
She didn't refuse.  
Instead, she slipped closer to him, too, and let him take her into his arms.

Jack put his arms around her and held her close.  
Her blond hair fell loosely over his hand. Her head lay at his shoulder.  
He could feel every one of her moves, smell that wonderful scent of hers. For a short moment Jack allowed himself to close his eyes and just press her body tight to his own.

He tried to remember when he had held her like this for the last time.  
It felt so good.

 _Jack_ , she murmured.

 _What is it,_ he answered and softly stroked over her back.

 _I miss you,_ she silently spoke.

Jack didn't answer anything. He bit back any words that he had so badly wanted to tell her throughout the past year.

 _I should have never said that,_ she sniffed and straightened up, all of a sudden, freeing herself from him and slid a few inches away.

What had been perfect in one moment felt horribly wrong and inappropriate in the other. He hadn't answered. Not a word. After she had already leant over to him that much. She had opened up, just to get turned down. It hurt.

She stood up and rushed past him.

Jack grabbed her arm and held her back. „Audrey."

„What?", she harshly answered.

„I don't wanna do this.", Jack told her.

„I see. Agent Walker, right?" Audrey ripped her hand free from his grab.

He stood up and followed her to the door. Rushing after her he reached it just in time to block it and to keep her from opening it.  
Angrily she turned around to him.

„No, it's _not_ Agent Walker, Audrey. It's you. You were the one to tell me I needed to be free- to start something new, remember?"

Angrily she looked at him, „I told you it is not running that well between me and Harry right now."

„But that alone doesn't make you free, does it?", he took his hand away from the door, because he didn't want to stand in her way. But the everlasting forth and back of the past days was not what he wanted either. „Audrey, I've paid my dues … stealing you away from other men. I don't want to go through that another time."

These words felt like dagger.  
Speechlessly, she stared at him. As she got a grip of herself again she just reached for the door, ripped it open and bumped into Shauna, as she rushed away.


	13. The evenings of a peace conference - FR

Audrey's apartment. Late evening.

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Jack screwed up all his courage as he knocked on that door. He was rarely ever nervous- but right now, he was.  
A bad feeling had accompanied him every since Audrey had left. The feeling of losing her - losing what had again become the dearest person in his life over the course of the past days.

He almost jerked as she opened up. Just a little gap.  
„Hi…", he began, hoping she'd let him in.

„Hi.", she answered, silently.

Not a sign.  
He realized that she didn't even consider letting him come in. So he didn't even ask.

„Listen Audrey… I wanted to apologize for what I said before. I didn't mean to say… such ugly things to you.", he began.

She let him talk and listened silently as if she was trying to find out if he really meant what he was saying… _But why else should he have come here?,_ she finally realized.

„It's okay, Jack. Forgiven.", Audrey answered.

He looked nervous to her, as if he had waited for her words of forgiveness like an addict for a shot.

Jack still hoped that she'd let him in.  
No sign of it.  
Before the moment turned awkward, he told her goodbye to leave, as he heard Harry's voice from the off, asking her _Honey, red or white wine?_

So that was the reason why she hadn't asked him in. Harry was here.  
He went a step back from the door.

The two of them looked into each other's eyes.  
Again Jack heard Harry say something.  
„g'd night…", he murmured and stepped away.

„wait…" Audrey stretched out her hand to grab him, but he dived away from her grab.

„it's okay.", he murmured and smiled at her for a goodbye. Common decency told him to do so.  
He made her smile, too.  
Reassured, that everything was alright between them both, Audrey watched him pace down the corridor, back over to his living quarters that were one floor above. He turned around and waved her goodbye as he found her still standing at the door. Then he lit himself a cigarette while walking.

Nothing was alright.

He was again where he had started. All the problems were still there, that slowly dawned on him after hearing Harry's voice inside Audrey's living quarters.  
Identifying him as traitor didn't free Audrey. She had begged him not to hurt him- so intensely. As he had looked into her eyes while she had been imploring him not to hurt Harry… that was when he had realized how she must have felt when she had found about him and _Agent Walker,_ how she called her.

Renee.  
Hating Suvorov didn't bring her back.  
Starting World War III didn't bring her back.  
It didn't even make him feel better - on the contrary.

As Jack reached his living quarters he sent the Secret Service Agent away who had watched over the box with Harry's evidence against him.  
He grabbed the small black box and took it with him into the bathroom where he locked the door behind him and sat down on the edge of the bathtub.  
This was the only place where he could come to rest. Alone. About twenty different people had the keycard to his living quarter and came in on a regular basis, to bring him stuff or just to check on security details. But nobody entered in here.

He lit a second cigarette, grabbed the black box and an ashtray and finally sat down on the rug on the floor, leaning back against the side of the tub.  
It was blissfully silent in here. Not a sound. No talking. No people. No phones ringing.

He had been coordinating war movements for the past hours. The Generals were still. At some point he simply needed to leave them. He could take no more. He had been up the whole night before, coordinating the analysis of the proposed peace treaty with Chloe and her branch of CTU experts.

He yawned.  
He was tired.

But looking at the black box he knew, that he'd not be able to go to sleep, no matter how tired he was.

Carefully, he opened up the lid and had a look at the shiny gun inside that plastic „evidence" bag. Hesitatingly, he took the bag out of the box, lifting not the weapon, but the transparent plastic.

This was the last weapon he had held in his hands- ever.  
The secret service hadn't allowed him to carry a gun. After feeling bad about this for the first few weeks, he had settled into office - and had settled into not carrying a gun around with him every day any more.

As he looked at that thing now, he had to admit to himself that he didn't want to have a gun any more. He didn't want to use one.  
This last shot that he had fired - a year ago - killing Renee - had been his last.  
Ever since, he had avoided any occasion where'd get in contact with any guns.  
No single visit of the firing range.

Reluctantly, he ripped the bag open and let the gun drop out on the rug. He also took the other bags and let the cartridge case and the photos drop on the floor next to him.  
If he wanted to be safe from any other blackmail, he first needed to destroy the evidence- starting by compromising the evidence by taking it out of it's bags.  
Carefully, he ripped the bags into pieces and flushed them down the toilet.

Eventually, he'd need to get rid of the gun, too.  
Jack had no idea how to do this.  
Whenever he was in public, he was under constant watch. He couldn't just carry the gun with him. Normally, Harry would have done all that kinds of dirty work for him.  
That was not an option now.

The gun lay at his feet.  
Jack eyed it closely.  
He didn't want to take it into his hands, but he had no choice.

His heartbeat speeded up, as he knelt down again, put the cigarette away and reached for the silver metal.  
It was surprisingly heavy. Heavier than he remembered.  
The plastic on the handle showed the manufacturer's logo and the kyrillian „Токарева" insignia.

Lost in thoughts, Jack opened up the clip and put the used cartridge in.

It was the first time after a whole year for him to hold a gun in his hands.

He took the black box, threw the war scene pictures into it and put them all on the table next to the sink as he stood up again.

It was so strange to hold a gun again. Even more strange to know that this was the gun that had belonged to their worst public enemy. The gun he had shot Renee with.

Jack placed his second hand beneath the handle and wondered if his shooting skills had deteriorated significantly over the past year.  
It was surprisingly easy to center the iron sights.

He aimed at the sink. At the door handle. At the shower head. At the overhead light.

And finally at himself in the mirror.

It felt strangely easy.  
The iron sights were perfectly centered on his own head in the reflection.

He pulled the trigger.

A loud CLICK as the bolt hit the back of the empty cartridge, leaving a second imprint.

Disgusted, Jack threw the gun into the box and closed it.  
He looked at himself in the mirror, knowing that he'd never be able to forget what had happened. Never be able to forgive himself for letting that happen.

Hurriedly he began to make some space in the bathroom cabinet to get some space where he could hide that box.  
It went behind some innocuous-looking bottles and other stuff.

As he was finished his view rested on the innocuous bottles reading „aspirin" where only he knew what was really in them.  
Despite this office, it was surprisingly easy to get a hold of drugs. In Washington D.C., they were available within the upper class like aspirin.

Sadly smiling, he was even proud of himself for a moment that he hadn't ended up on heroin again- only on pills, alcohol and cocaine from time to time.  
But why the hell had he nevertheless bought the stuff then? To have it in the closet when times would turn out bad? To get the golden shot instead of a gunshot, since they'd taken away all his guns?

Shaking his head, he grabbed a bottle of painkillers and closed the cabinet again. Taking a handful of them he put the bottle back again and switched off the light as he left the room.

.

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.

 _Thank you for reading up to here...  
It will be truly, fully J/Audrey from that point on! I promise!_


	14. Sleepless

Sleepless

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Absent mindedly, Jack had sunk to the couch in front of the large TV, zapping through the channels while the handful of painkillers had slowly started to kick in- or were it the three glasses of whiskey that he had used to swipe down the pills?

A few hours later, he couldn't remember.  
In a state of unconcerned delirium he lay there and still watched the CNN news channel that depicted him as part of the people who were responsible that the country was on brink of world war III.

Uncoordinatedly, his hand reached out to grab the remote. Next channel. _The US and Russian negotiations on disarmament and peace collapsed today. Both states prepare for possible sanctions and military movements. More than 30 battle ships were sent to the Pacific, from both sides._  
Next channel.  
Music.

The remote fell out of his hand, but he didn't care. Anything was better than today's news.  
Half asleep, half awake, he listened to electric guitars and watched the people of Black Sabbath. He read the song's title: _war pigs._

For a moment he considered switching channels again, but the remote wasn't within reach.  
He closed his eyes and tried not to listen.

 _Generals gathered in their masses,  
Just like witches at black masses.  
Evil minds that plot destruction,  
Sorcerer of death's construction.  
In the fields the bodies burning,  
As the war machine keeps turning.  
Death and hatred to mankind,  
Poisoning their brainwashed minds._

The usual dream haunted him.

He opened up the door of the Georgewill town hall and limped outside.  
Petrovsky was already waiting for him.  
He strode out onto the place, looking into the six muzzles of the firing squad.

 _Now in darkness world stops turning,  
Ashes where the bodies burning.  
No more war pigs have the power,  
Hand of God has struck the hour.  
Day of judgement God is calling,  
On their knees the war pig's crawling.  
Begging mercy for their sins,  
Satan laughing spreads his wings._

Jack ripped his eyes open.  
He longed for something stronger than only painkillers. There was only one thing he could think of.

The adrenaline, caused by the daydream-like nightmare had woken him up again.  
He sat up, groped for the remote and switched the TV off.

Right in the moment as he had already wanted to go back to the bathroom and get himself something strong enough to end the thoughts for today evening, there was knock on the door.

He looked at his wristwatch. 2 o' clock in the morning.  
Had Suvorov attacked the country?

Alarmed, he went to open up the door.

It was Audrey.

„Did I wake you?", she began, concerned upon seeing his disheveled hair, „I'm sorry…"

He shook his head _no_. „Come in"  
He gave the door a little push and let it swing open.

Audrey went past him, to the inside.  
She followed him down the corridor, to his living room.  
They both sat down.

„Do you hate me now, Jack? That I still talk to him after what he tried to do to you?", she silently asked, leaning sidewards towards the upholstery of the living room sofa.

He sat right in front of her, shaking her head. „No, Audrey.", he answered and put on a tired smile for her. „It's okay. It's your life", he said and reached out, placing his hand softly on hers. „I'm sorry for what I said at the office. I definitely didn't mean it that way."

She closed her eyes for a short moment, concentrating only on the touch of his fingers on her hand. „You were right with every word you said.", she answered. „I'm not free. As much as I wished things were different… Because I still…"

„Hush" Jack raised his arm and placed his finger at her lips. He guessed that what she would have wanted to say would be something about them both. „Don't say it. Whatever it is. Don't make things worse."

As he was looking at her beautiful face, he thought of what would happen if she told him something like she still loved him.  
It would throw everything out of order. They'd maybe even end up somewhere… together… doing things that they could only regret afterwards.

She looked into his eyes, expectantly.  
„Why didn't you throw him into prison? Why didn't you even throw him out of office?", she stammered. „Harry told me you dropped the charges against him."

Jack glanced at his glass of Whiskey on the table. As much as he wanted to have another glass… not in front of Audrey. He didn't even go for the rest in this glass.

„Jack?", Audrey asked again, as he didn't answer.

He turned back to her. „It's a long story, Audrey.", he sighed. „And a complicated one. Should I have thrown him into prison?"

„Come on, Jack, that's not my decision.", she angrily answered, „You gotta have a reason. You didn't even lay a finger on him."

He looked into her eyes. „ _You_ asked me to, Audie."

Surprised, she stared back at him.

Jack knew that this answer wasn't good enough for her. Eventually, he'd need to tell her more, anyway.  
„Harry saved my life a year ago. If it wasn't for him,…" he didn't continue the sentence. Unwittingly, the thoughts went on. The ‚what ifs'. If it wasn't for Harry, he would have died along with Renee, out on that Greenville plaza. God knows what Petrovsky would have done. Probably not much- he had lost nearly all his men at that time.  
But Audrey… Anderson senior would have stayed in office. Page would be acting president right now - one of the greediest and most corrupt men ever.  
There were many ‚what ifs'.

„I don't want to go between the both of you, Audrey.", he sighed.

But she didn't let loose. Instead she asked him „what evidence was it that he held against you?"

Jack thought of the black box in the bathroom. Should he tell her?  
He had told nobody on the whole world. Harry knew it. He had seen it.  
Jack asked himself for a moment how Harry got a hold of that gun and the cartridge. Had he sent somebody back into the contaminated zone or hat he already taken it with him on that day, a year ago? When the barrel had still been hot from the bullet that he'd fired at Renee?

A part of him longed for her to know the truth.  
Another, large part didn't want to talk about it.

Jack braced himself against the upholstery. „Can't we… just… be friends?", he hesitatingly asked her.

As she eyed him closely, she found a broken man in front of her. But Audrey was sure that it wasn't her, who had broken him. He had been like this for a very long time already. But he had kept up a facade and had acted like he'd be on top of things.  
Fact was, that he wasn't.  
She could see it in his eyes that there were a thousand bad things inside his head that he didn't even want to talk about.

She braced herself against the upholstery too and laid her head down on the upper edge of the backrest, like Jack had done it.  
There they were. Just two tired players of game that tossed them around in the world.

Silently, Audrey looked into his blue eyes. She saw his chest rise and fall with every other breath he made.

He was caught by her view, too, watching her blond hair spread all over the place. That little smile of hers that told him that there was a wish for being so much more than friends.

„What are you doing up that time?", she murmured.

Jack sighed for an answer. „couldn't sleep." He grabbed the remote „do you want to see what CNN reports about this all?"  
Not even waiting for her opinion, he switched it on.

 _New reports out of the White House reach us in five-minute intervals. Troops have been sent to all Pacific regions. The Bering Street is constantly patrolled by two squadrons of F-35s._

He switched to another channel. BBC.

 _Today evening the white house released a vague statement on why the peace conference between the US and Russia failed. We are still waiting for an official press conference. The Vice President released no statement and held no press conference up to now. Rumors told about President Taylor coming back into office during this time of crisis._

„Wait.. is that an option? Is she coming back?", Audrey grabbed the remote and switched on ‚mute'.

Jack shook his head.  
Finally, he reached for the glass and emptied it. The Whiskey burned it's way down from his mouth to his stomach. He slipped a bit to the left and then lay down on the couch, on his back. Audrey sat right next to his head. Lying there, he just needed to open his eyes to see her face.  
„Taylor is fighting cancer, but it's a losing game. I got word these days that they were hoping she'd live to see this conference end with a peace treaty."

„That means you…"

He nodded. „Yes. I'll be taking over her office." Then he turned to lay on his right side so that he could see the TV. „Though I really don't want to. That never was the intention. Neither hers nor mine."

The two of them lay in silence for a while.

Audrey read the news headlines of the major stations, one after one. Jack was glad that the TV was mute. He lay there, and although she neither said anything nor touched him, the simple presence of another person - one that he loved so much - was having a therapeutic effect on him. He could have laid here like that for hours and hours.  
Zapping through the channels they stumbled upon a rerun of the last football match Seattle Seahawks against Pittsburgh Steelers. Audrey already wanted to go to the next channel as Jack told her not to.

„It's been a while since I got time for something like that.", he sighed. End of second quarter, 10 to 7. He wondered what would happen if Taylor really officially passed the office on to him. Actually, he didn't even want to think about that.  
Hoping that the game would distract him from thinking about the presidency, he kept watching.

Audrey put the remote away and watched it with him.

„Is that okay for you?", he asked her.

„Of course", she answered and slid a bit closer to him, softly touching his shoulder.  
He rested his head on his arm, looking to the front. But all he could think of was Audrey's hand on his shoulder.  
It felt so good. She felt so good. Having her near felt good.

He saw it in the corner of his view how she suddenly bent down to him, whispering into his ear „Jack... I could tell you who won that game.", she joked.

He turned around to her, smiling. „Don't. you. dare.", he answered. Her face was just inches away.  
That smile on her face.  
He wouldn't ever be mad at her- not even if she told him.

She realized how perfect the moment was. She had rarely ever seen him smile over the course of the past days, the greater it was to see him smile now.

Slowly, she bent down a bit further to him. He didn't yield away.

Audrey opened her mouth to kiss him. Softly, her lips brushed over his for a moment. He was still there.  
Once more, she leant forward to him. Not only the tips of her lips reached his. She could feel him open up his mouth for a little bit, too. He even replied the kiss, caressing her lower lip softly with his mouth. She tasted the scent of his last cigarette... and his last glass of Whiskey. His lips felt so unbelievably soft.  
Tenderly, Audrey placed her left hand on his cheek, softly stroking it.  
She wished the moment would never end and tried to prolong it as far she only could.

Minutes later, they parted, after having caressed each other both shyly and cautiously.  
Looking into each other's eyes.  
Both couldn't believe where they suddenly were.

„Do friends do that?", Audrey whispered at him.

Jack slightly shook his head that still lay in her tender hands. „I believe no", he breathed.

Audrey slightly nodded _I see_. But he didn't push her away as her lips came closer another time.  
This time, she kissed his cheek. Her lips slowly wandered over his skin and she then kissed his forehead.  
„And that?", she whispered.

 _Maybe,_ he tonelessly answered, his eyes closed.  
He opened them as he felt her move- seeing her bend over to the table.  
Silently, she poured two glasses of Whiskey for the both of them. To cool down. To let her breath catch up with her emotions again.

Jack didn't feel much better. He watched her- like in trance. They finally clinked glasses.  
She slipped a bit closer to him and made him lie his his head down on her thigh as she was sitting there, sipping at her drink.

„Harry and I decided to end things.", she began, sighed, "I am free."

He didn't quite know what to answer.  
"I am..." he hesitatingly started, but she interrupted him.

"You're not, right?", she hissed. He knew how much he hurt her with saying that he still wasn't over Renee. As he wanted to add something, she simply placed a finger at his lips to keep him from talking. She couldn't bear to hear him talk about Agent Walker. She couldn't even bare to imagine him thinking about her without getting jealous.  
„I know… life is complicated.", she spat.

Jack saw she was fighting tears. "Audrey...", he began-

"No. Don't say it." She stood up.  
Before he could reach out, to grab her by her arms and pull her back down, she had already yielded back towards the door.

Jack ran after her.  
"Audrey, wait!", he shouted.

But she had already left.

.


	15. Distance

Distance

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Audrey closed the door of her living quarters behind her and leant against it.  
For a few moments she feared Jack would have followed her - but he hadn't.

He hadn't even followed her. What first made her glad was annoying on the second thought. Wasn't she worth being followed? Would he have followed _Agent Walker_ but not her?

„Audrey?"

She shrieked upon hearing Harry's voice.  
She had completely forgotten that he had been packing his things to move out as she had left him back here, an hour ago.

„I'm sorry.", he apologized, yielding back into the room.

Audrey told him it was okay. „I completely forgot you were still here."  
She went across the room and threw her jacket onto the couch, right next to Harry's suitcase. It was already closed - and looked heavy.

He nodded and stood there, in the middle of the room, and didn't dare to move. Silently he watched how she wiped her tears away.  
For a moment, Harry thought of saying something to her - but he was out of words.

Audrey finally realized his stare.  
All she wanted was to get out of here, too. And away from the eyes that looked at her with pity.

„Don't look at me like that.", she murmured and went past him.

„How?", Harry asked. He turned around, following her with his view.

„Pitifully. You should be angry at me… for leaving you for him. Not compassionate." At the kitchen counter, she poured herself a glass of water.

„I had no illusions Audrey.", he started, „I knew that day would come."

„What day?"

Harry was unsure if he should better go over to her and continue their breakup talk or if he should better just take his suitcase and leave this room.  
Audrey took the decision off him as she approached him. „What day?", she asked again. „You mean the day when I'd leave you for Jack?"

He nodded, wordlessly.

Now, she was getting angry. „You should be laughing at me now, after all."

„I'm not.", he answered, although he could understand her. She had left him - to come back just an hour later.  
Hesitatingly he stepped closer and touched her upper arm. „Audrey… I… don't wanna make this any harder than it already is. I feel something for you - and I say it like _this_ because I don't want to make this any harder for us than it already is."

Full of expectations, she looked up into his eyes.

„But I knew already that you and I… will never share those deep… things that you and Jack have gathered in the past."  
He couldn't take this scene any more.  
Harry pulled back his hand and went over to his suitcase. He had always known that this day would most likely come. That Audrey would always be on Jack's side if she'd have to choose. Today she had proved it to him.

She watched him lift the heavy suitcase off the sofa. „Maybe we were both wrong on the same thing.", she murmured. „Thinking that Jack and I would still have that kind of _thing_. But it seems he and _Agent Walker_ have that _thing_ by now."  
Audrey took a deep breath and tore her hair. It was so embarrassing. It was so humiliating. To get turned down twice by the same man - for the same other woman.

Harry watched her back as she went back over to the kitchen counter to bring back her glass. He was still not sure what to do or to say. A big part of him just wanted to leave.  
But the part of him that loved her hated to see her so hurt.

„I don't think so, Audrey.", he finally answered.

She laughed, derogatorily, at him for that answer. „Do you say that so that I feel better?"

„No. He asked about you every day. Me, your dad… everyone he knew who had contact with you. He never stopped to care about you, Audrey. And that's why I always feared this moment would come some day. When you get your _thing_ back."

She just shook her head. „Do you call a _thing_ when somebody turns you down telling you that he's not over another woman?" Her asking view bored into Harry's eyes. „Huh? Turning you down for somebody else even twice?"

As he looked at Audrey, in the back of Harry's head the pictures of that war scene a year ago replayed. When he had seen Jack. When he had seen Renee… her corpse, torn into pieces by the air strike… the bullet hole on her forehead. When Jack had wordlessly dropped the gun, right in front of his feet, begging him without any words not to talk about the obvious. Not to talk at all about what had happened.  
He would have so much wanted to lessen Audrey's obvious pain by telling her that all - but he just couldn't. This was Jack's most personal stuff. He wouldn't be the one telling her.  
„Things aren't what you think they are.", he cut it short.

„Really? How would _you_ know?", she replied.

„I know.", he answered.

„Tell me."

Harry shook his head. He had made that mistake once already. Not a second time.

„Tell me.", Audrey half hissed, half implored him.

He turned around and finally grabbed his suitcase. At the door, he stopped and looked back a last time. „I can't talk about this. But if you don't even believe the things I said before… ask your dad."

With no other explanation, he left her standing alone in the room, wondering about it.

…..

Again, Jack looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. For the second time in a few hours he was standing here and wondering what to do. Ever since Audrey had left.  
He couldn't tell things were better now. On the contrary. He was still at the brink of world war III. If he'd open up the cabinet, he'd still find the gun that he had shot Renee with. And somehow, he had managed it to cut off his last true friend. Audrey. She hated him by now, thinking that he had left her again for another woman.

Tiredly he let his body fall forward and leant his forehead against the cold mirror.

At least he _had_ reached what he had wanted to reach. She had come so threateningly close that he had almost panicked when she had bent down to kiss him.  
And as she had done… it had felt so perfectly good. He hadn't wanted to stop.

As he reached out to turn on the water he saw his hand tremble. _Damnit.  
_ He looked at his wristwatch. 03:50 in the morning. _Damnit._ It was time to get up soon. He hadn't even slept yet and he doubted that he would be able to sleep if he went to bed right now.

Finally, he pushed himself away from the mirror and went a few steps back to sit down on the edge of the bathtub.  
The cabinet seemed to stare at him. The gun. The drugs.

He lowered his head just not to see it. Stared at the rug beneath his feet and tried to focus on _here_ and _now._ That was something that had always helped him. Whenever he had felt the urge to kill the pain with something that he'd for sure regret afterwards.

 _I still have a way out._ , he told himself, _I could be in so many worse places._

But it didn't seem to help.  
For a moment he even longed to be at a worse place than this. He wanted to be everywhere but not here in Camp David, host to a peace conference that was going down the drain. The worst of it all was to know that he was „free".  
Jack looked at the door, asking himself what would happen if he went out of this door, out of the next… out the front door of Camp David and just disappeared.  
Nothing would be better then. But worse neither… or would it?

His thoughts carried him away to the real worst place where he had been - it wasn't even China. It had been the four weeks that he had spent on the ship to Cape Town, five years ago. Stripped of everything. Everyone. Alone. Barely any money. No job. Nothing to do. No dreams - no aim, not even a single wish. Knowing that he had failed to keep Audrey out of all this, knowing in what state she was in because of him. He had ended up wondering why he was still breathing. He had been at a point where he began to ask himself why he didn't just turn a gun at himself.

Jack sighed and stood up again. He opened the cabinet and took out a bottle of sleeping pills, avoiding to look at all the other stuff he kept in there.

As he had shoved them down his throat, he remembered himself that he at least had an aim now - and that was probably the only thing that kept him from leaving again.

He went back to the couch and fell asleep in his clothes.

—

6 years earlier

James Heller peeked through the small window next to the front door to get a look at the man who was just leaving his ground.  
Jack.  
He looked like hell. After he had said goodbye to Audrey, he had stumbled out onto the terrace. He had harshly closed the door behind Jack, had turned off the light and had been watching him, as he had stared at the ocean for hours, sat on the marble bench and played around with his gun.

Now, as he was leaving through the front driveway, Heller was curious what Jack would do next. He looked aimless - of course.  
It didn't take long until he was out of sight.

Making sure that Audrey would be asleep and fine for another few hours, the old man got into his car and followed Jack on his aimless way through the city.

It got harder to follow him, as Jack entered one of the crowded areas and shopping malls. Nevertheless, Heller tried to keep him in sight. It wasn't easy - because Jack always seemed to look around. It was no wonder that the man was suspicious after what he had been through in the past years.

Heller watched him from far - he went through the crowds and finally bought himself something to eat.  
He couldn't tell from his position over there, but Heller was sure that he had stolen the money somewhere, as he had been among all those people.

And suddenly he lost sight of him in the crowds.

Jack left the shopping mall through one of the side entrances and strolled through the streets. He put on the black jacket that he had bought in there to hide his gun. The pockets of it were full with stolen wallets.  
He had started on just one - to get the few dollars to buy something to eat. But in the end, he had stacked up his budget even a bit more.

While Heller already was on his way home, Jack bought a carton full of ammunition for his gun and searched for a place where he'd just be alone.

He found it by sunset.  
It was a bad city part - even a dangerous one. Some old abandoned factory halls, gangs, drug dealers and addicts were the only ones around here. He kept his head low just like the few other people on the streets did. Nobody stared at him here for his dirty clothes, his disheveled hair or the bump under his shirt that could easily be identified as a gun.

But something made him feel better around here, compared to the crowded streets around the city center and the malls.  
He sat down on the roadside, in a silent corner, and just looked around. He had nothing to do.  
It was strange to be not hungry and to be not afraid of somebody who would come and drag him out of his cell… to not be in cell at all. He was free to move. He was armed. His body told him that life couldn't be any better, although his many old and new wounds still hurt.  
But the restlessness, that wouldn't let his mind get some rest told him to stay focused and to search for a reasonable thought to think.

As he leant back to the brick wall he realized how tired he was. Yet he couldn't close an eye. As soon as he did, he found himself in a cold and moist cell again - even worse - Audrey was there, too.  
He tried to stay awake, though he knew that this was only his worn out mind, playing tricks on him.

From his place he could see the beacon mast, a 200 feet high transmitter mast on the beach. It wasn't far away from the Heller residence.  
Jack stared at it, as if it were Audrey.  
He longed to go back, although he had told James Heller that he wouldn't come back.

She was the only thing on his mind.

The longer he stared at the transmitter mast, the more he longed to be in her room, holding her hand. She wouldn't say a word, he knew. She'd just look at him and understand.

Chloe and Bill had called him before. They had both offered him to come over and live at their place but he had declined. They would do what every ‚normal' person would do. They'd assail him with their everlasting question _how are you_ although they should have known that he would never tell them the truth and even if - they'd never understand what his words really meant. He wanted to be with no-one, talk to no-one and wanted to go unseen.  
No-one but Audrey.  
She'd not ask. She would just be there, open her eyes and look at him. She didn't need to ask him anything if they wanted to communicate. He'd just have a little smile at her and she would know that they were both alright now.

He could picture it so well that he almost believed it to be real.

As the last evening rays of the sun gently touched his face, he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer. It was two days ago that he had slept for the last time.

In the same second he was back on the other side of the globe. Sitting in his cell. His hands and arms were both tied to wall so high that he could neither sit comfortably nor stand up. Water was dripping out of a hole in the ceiling, directly on him. He was was soaked already, trembling of the cold.  
Suddenly the door opened and they dragged a woman in.  
She was nearly unconscious.

He started to scream her name as he recognized her face.


	16. In the window of Circadian Low

_Hi out there!  
_ _I'm sorry it took me so long to update - but here's another chapter and some more are on the way!_

* * *

In the window of circadian low

.

.

Jack hadn't even been asleep for an hour as Harry had come in and had rudely ripped him out of his horrible nightmares. Although he had been so tired that getting up had totally destroyed him, he had nevertheless been thankful that somebody had ended the nightmares that he always had when he drank too little or didn't knock himself out with almost an overdose of sleeping pills.

It was always the thing that he was dreaming of - China. Audrey.  
He had never consciously seen her during his imprisonment. But since she had told him - a year ago - that she had been held at the same prison his otherwise so familiar nightmares of Cheng had gotten a new face: hers.  
Every other night his subconsciousness reminded him again that he hadn't done everything that he could have done to save her. Hell, he had been there, probably over a year together with her.  
Just one scream would have been enough. Or one sight. It would have been enough to stir up some powers that he had already lost at that time…

„Jack?"  
Harry's voice ripped him out of his daydreaming.

He sat at his desk, in his office. Suddenly he was home again from _there_ , back here on the brink of a world war.  
Harry had ripped him out of bed because of two Russian submarines.

„Where are they now in respect of our fleet?", Jack tiredly asked the two men on the other side. James Heller was also here. He didn't look much better than them - the last evening had already been long and burdensome.

„Two hours apart. We've not got much time to react.", Heller answered. „Shouldn't we consider an attack plan for our battle ships? At least set them in position?"

Jack shook his head _no_. „We won't. That is what Suvorov expects us to do. And we'll only give him a reason to attack. He'll interpret it as such." He sighed. „Where is his delegation?"

„Already on the way to the airport. They're boarding their cars right now." Harry spoke. „Are you sure you don't want to… talk to Suvarov? Call him back?"

Jack shook his head again as he leant back. „No. Definitely not. We're not begging him for peace after he tried to fool us in the peace negotiations."

„Really? Can you afford that kind of pride?", James Heller spoke, annoyed.

Angrily Jack stared at him. „Yes…. Where's Xin Yapeng? Still here?"

Harry took out his mobile phone. „I'll call", he murmured and got up.  
As he was walking around in the large room, on the phone, Jack and Heller were suddenly alone on the table, the only thing that had stayed with them was the bad temper and the tiredness.

„What do want from the Chinese Prime minister? Talk to _him_ instead of Suvarov?"

„Exactly.", Jack said. „We'll lose our face completely if we run to Suvorov now." He took a deep breath and held it for a few moments. „But we need to do something."  
At least they didn't argue about that fact.

Jack saw in Heller's eyes that he didn't like the idea of talking to Suvarov's largest ally. Several times he tried to say something but he seemed to find no words.  
As he watched the old man he simply knew what this was about - Heller didn't need to tell him that the only question that burned on his lips was: _you wand to talk to_ him _after all you and Audrey have been through?_

„Jim, I have to do this.", Jack silently said to him. „You know just as well as I do that this is probably the only thing that can save this country from war. If we can negotiate a peace with the Chinese and strip Suvorov of his biggest ally, we'll prevent this all from happening. Suvorov will step back then."

„Jack, it won't work.", the old man silently noted. „They won't trust you - after your history with their country. Don't think Xin Yapeng isn't informed about all that you've been through."

Jack sighed. Of course, he knew that Heller was right on this. „I know." He stood up and grabbed his jacket.

Heller got up, too and came over to Jack. As he was sure to be out of Harry's audible range, he continued, „you didn't trust Suvorov yesterday and you were right, Jack. And why? Because you obviously had a personal grudge against him."

„That has nothing to do with the Chinese.", Jack hissed and did his tie. He was getting ready to go, as soon as Harry would give him the sign to. „I can differ."

„But they can't. If I were Xin Yapeng, I wouldn't trust you, given the history."

Jack didn't answer. Of course, the old man was right. He knew that by himself and he had already been thinking about it.

„Jack, don't do this. If Xin interprets your offers wrong in the end… as an offense or mockery…" he was really concerned, „he has no reason to trust you after all they've done to you."

„I know.", Jack murmured.

„So how do you want to do this?"

He hated to say it out loud. Especially in front of Audrey's father. He even hated the thought itself - but compared to starting a war with Suvarov, it was a little price to pay.  
„I'll make a statement to him. If he wishes… even publicly."

Heller stared at him, shocked. „What statement?", he asked. As Jack didn't react, the Secretary grabbed him harshly by his upper arms and shook him. „What statement?!", he hissed. „That you forgive them for putting you in a cell and beating the crap out of you? That you tell the public that you believe what they did was right? Justified?"

Jack ripped himself free. „Yes. Exactly." He went a few steps through his large office. „If that's what it takes to prevent a war, I'll do it."

„But it would be a lie.", Heller added, „Xin Yapeng will know that this is a lie."

„He won't. Because it's not a lie." He turned away and walked a few steps to cool down.

James Heller angrily stared at Jack's back. He hadn't said what had had actually wanted to say up to now. But he couldn't hold it back any longer. „How can you do this to Audrey?", he murmured. Just loud enough to let Jack hear it.

Jack grid his teeth.  
He had already expected this question to come.  
But he didn't know an answer on it.  
„I don't know", he answered, silently. Yes, he felt guilty about this. Obviously James Heller saw it as his duty to spit in Xin Yapeng's face, to get some revenge for what they had done to his daughter.  
Jack slowly turned around to him. „Do you really think hating them would make it better?", he asked the older man.

Heller stared at him, aghast. „What? So you _really_ forgive them after…" he was so enraged that he ran out of words.

„No…", Jack began, „but it's not Xin Yapeng who did this. Besides…" he would have wanted to add something like _I did the same to my prisoners,_ but in the end, he let it be. He was tired of talking about his time in China. He was tired of thinking about it, although he had just begun.  
This was a chapter of his life that he wanted to share with nobody- let alone defend the Chinese against Heller.

Harry ended the awkward silence between the both. „Xin Yapeng will be ready in ten minutes. He'll meet you in MR3."

„Thanks.", Jack answered.

Heller still stared angrily at him.

„I'll talk to him alone.", Jack answered, as Harry already wanted to call and wake up the whole delegation.  
He turned at Heller, one last time, murmuring silently, „If this has a real chance on a peace treaty, you'll talk to Audrey and tell her that… somehow. We can not let this last chance go by because of personal reasons."

The way Heller looked at him made him feel guilty.  
It was almost the same look as some years ago, when he had told him to stay away from her.  
Heller had that kind of eyes that could frighten somebody to the bone.

Quickly Jack turned around and paced away. But that view hat reminded him so badly of these days in the past - and he even felt the same guilt as in the past - the guilt of dragging Audrey deep into all this, that he wasn't feeling comfortable, as he finally pushed the door to the meeting room open. He was her early and alone.  
Aimlessly he went around inside the room.  
Eight minutes until Xin Yapeng would arrive.  
Had Heller been right that the Chinese prime minister wouldn't even trust him at all, given their past? He'd soon find out.

For a moment he stopped walking and tried to put himself in Audrey's shoes… when her father would tell her that he was making a deal with the Chinese and would even state to them that he did not hold his time in their prison against them…  
She simply had to hate him for doing this. Heller was right with every word. He was about to fail her again. This time not even by accident or negligence - he had made the conscious decision to let her down.

There was a strip of polished metal on one side of the room, holding the two glass pieces of the wall together.  
As he stepped in front of it he saw his face in the reflection.  
He wasn't even so sure if he'd be able to look at himself after making a deal with the Chinese, if they'd force him to bury all the memories of what they had done to him and Audrey for good.  
Selling out his soul seemed to have become part of this job. Just a few days ago he had come face to face with Suvarov, the man ultimately responsible for Renee's death.  
It wasn't only Audrey who he let down. He had let every one of his dearest ones down before.

In that moment the door opened up as the Secret Service let Yapeng in.  
Jack went over to greet him. As he shook hands with him, he couldn't deny that these facial features reminded him of Cheng. It was way harder to even look at Yapeng than he had thought.

* * *

 _Meanwhile_

„May I ask you what this was about?", Harry approached the Secretary of Defense, cautiously. He was still aware that the older man was ranks and ranks above him- but the sudden aggressiveness between him and Jack had been obvious. „I wouldn't ask you if I hadn't heard that you've been talking about Audrey."

Heller watched the Chief of Staff with some mistrust. „She told me… that the two of you broke up. Is that correct?"

Harry nodded _yes._ „But that doesn't mean I don't care anymore about her. It sounded severe."

Angrily Heller came over to him, „would you and Jack please finally decide who of you…", he hissed angry, but Harry interrupted him.  
„It was _her_ decision to break up with me.", he hissed back, „but as I said, it doesn't mean that I don't still care. And trust me, _I_ am _not_ the bad guy in this whole play."  
He just hadn't been able to bite back that last sentence, knowing that he was firing a broadside at Jack by saying this.

His words fell on sympathetic ears.  
Old grudges against the man who had been the reason for so much sorrow and suffering had awakened already as they had talked about the Chinese…

„What do you know about Jack's and Audrey's past?", Heller probed.

Harry shrugged. „Not much. I know what was in their files as they both worked for me.", he answered, „but neither Audrey nor Jack ever talked about it. I didn't ask."

„Well, well…" the oder man came towards him and put an arm around his shoulders. Gently, he guided Harry out of the office, over to his own, saying, „I believe I need to tell you some things to fill some of your blanks."  
And at that time, he was consciously aware that he was willing to destroy a friendship, just to ease that anger that was boiling inside him ever since Jack's decision.

* * *

 _2 hours later_

Tiredly, Jack opened up the door to his office again, finding it empty.  
He should have felt like a winner - Xin Yapeng had accepted his terms and they were about to start some real negotiations in a few hours - but he couldn't enjoy his victory.  
It had been a high price to pay as the Chinese delegation had asked him about his personal attitude towards their country. In the aftermath, Jack even wondered how he had been able to convince them that he wouldn't be influenced by their past.

He went straight over to the cupboard at the back wall, opened it and took out a bottle of Whiskey and a glass. Walking over to the sofa he lit himself a cigarette and already poured down the first glass full.  
But he knew already that he'd need something much much stronger than Whiskey to be able to get the feeling of having failed Audrey out of his mind. Whenever he closed his eyes, even for a short moment, Xin Yapeng's face merged into Cheng's.

He drank another glass before he took out his mobile phone and called Harry. He only reported that the first talk to the Chinese had been successful and they'd continue around midday. As Harry wanted to ask him something, he simply answered that he was going to sleep and hung up.

Actually, he didn't even want to go to sleep.  
Jack threw the phone at the desk in front of him and poured another glass, yawning.  
He was damn tired, he had to admit. The Whiskey made it even worse.

Though he fought hard to stay awake, the sleep at some point got the better of him, right here and there. He fell asleep leaning against the back rest of the sofa, a half empty glass of Whiskey still in his hand.

Not Cheng appeared this time. Not China. But another dark room. He instinctively knew that he was in the Heller's L.A. beach house, inside Audrey's room.  
He couldn't see a thing in the dark but he felt she was there.  
Softly he stroked over the back of her hand, like he always did when he was here, sitting on the floor right next to her bed. She didn't move. Her hand felt cold. Afraid, he slipped closer to the bed and took her hand into both of his to warm her up.

He had dreamt this dream so many times before that he already felt what going to come next. He tensed, anticipating the door to fly open.

Within a second it was there.  
The dark room got lighted up so quickly that the light coming in from the outside blinded him completely. He saw the vague contours of a man who stood in the door frame and held a gun against him.  
The sharp pain.  
The hate.  
He felt them in his dream, without any words heard or spoken - because it was not his imagination that played a trick on him here. It was a simple memory of something that had really happened.

From one second to the other he found himself somewhere out on the streets, far away from the Heller residence, far away from Audrey.  
He felt shabby and down-at-heel as he looked around. He lay on his back, behind a row of dumpsters, on the asphalt of the sidewalk, where one normally would only find the homeless ones.  
Every other time that he dreamt this dream, the realization struck him a blow, as he looked down on himself, his clothes, the dirt, the place… he _was_ a homeless one.

In his dream, he slowly pulled himself up. He didn't even care to pat the dirt out of his clothes, before he started walking down the road. It seemed like the right thing to do. Something told him to reach the end of that road.  
But every other step hurt. There was a kind of pressure on him that nearly suffocated him.

Somebody came along his way, towards him.  
At first, he didn't recognize the man. He was black clothed, had black hair… suddenly, as he was already within an arm's reach he looked up and smiled at him.  
Jack startled. It was Ramon Salazar. In his right hand he held a syringe and with his left he tried to grab him.

Jack evaded him, screaming „No!", as loud as he could - probably in his dream and even in reality. He rushed backwards, running straight into the arms of Hector Salazar.  
There was a gunshot wound on Hector's forehead, bleeding heavily. He, too, held a syringe in his hand that he tried to force into Jack's arm.  
Again, Jack ripped himself free, shouting at Hector that he didn't want that kind of stuff.  
Hectically, he started to run down the road, away from the brothers.

As he reached a small recess in the wall of the house on his right, Jack took cover and dared to look back for the first time.  
The street behind him was empty all of a sudden. The Salazars had disappeared without a trace.

Suddenly, Jack felt a hand on his back. It was the gentle touch of a woman who hugged him from behind. She snuggled against him and laid her head softly on his shoulder. Her long brown hair spread all over his chest.

„Maybe you don't want it, Jack…", Claudia whispered into his ear. He felt a cold shiver when he thought of Hector… and remembered that she was dead, too.  
The way how she said his name - with her accent - pierced his marrow and bone.  
As he looked down on his chest, he realized that there were a few drops of blood in shirt. It was Claudia's blood.  
Jack didn't dare to look where it came from or how the wound that had killed her looked like.

She slid her left arm around his body, too and finally offered him a syringe. „… but don't tell me that you wouldn't need it." the way she stressed that ‚need', he almost gave in already. „You know that you cannot go without it. You never could."

It was one of the hardest things to do, to free himself from her tender hug.  
Jack didn't dare to look back as he went on, towards the end of the street he was in.

He had dreamt this dream so many times that he already knew who was going to show up next. It was inevitable. It would be the hardest part of all.  
He stopped walking and just stayed at that place like always, waiting for her. He wanted to see her- even if it was only a nightmare-self of her.

The door to his right opened and Teri stepped out.  
She went right towards him and pressed a syringe into his hand, for him to take it.  
Jack viewed her from head to toe. At least she wore a jacket that covered the shot wound on her stomach.  
„Take it. You need it.", she softly reassured him.

He felt the syringe in his hand and her fingers, too. Hesitatingly, he shook his head _no_. „I can't. I almost lost our daughter once because of that.", he answered.  
She smiled at him. „She will always love you. No matter what you choose to do."

He knew it was just a dream. A nightmare.  
It was set of memories that his mind had made up to distract him from how the reality had looked like. Nobody had forced him to start drugs again on that day when he had woken up on the street.  
He had only broken under the pressure.

That was the part of the dream that he tried to prolong as much as he only could.  
He wanted to say no and push that syringe away, but Teri would disappear with it.  
After some endless moments she disappeared anyway, leaving him back alone on the street.

Tiredly he went on.  
He had never reached the end of that road, not ever before.  
Some times he had given in to Claudia in his dream, sometimes Ramon and Hector had overpowered him and assaulted him brutally, sometimes he had just taken the syringe out of Teri's hand to cherish the nearness of her for a few more moments.

But no matter if he had withstood all the temptations or had managed to fight the Salazars - there was one thing that had brought him to his knees every single time.

Jack went on, further towards the end of the street. He knew exactly what was about to come and in his nightmare he wasn't even able to turn away or close his eyes.  
He had almost reached the crossroads, as Audrey - as always - strode around the corner.

He stopped and stared.  
She looked horrible. She wore the same clothes as on the day when Cheng had handed her over to him. Her hair was frisked and disheveled, her face unmade-up and dirty. The wrists of her hands were bloody from the cuffs that they had used on her.

But the worst thing was, that she only stood there and stared at him. She didn't say a word, not even as he called her name and not even as he told her he was sorry, loved her and would do whatever it took to help her.

Wordlessly she handed him a syringe.  
And this time he took it, like always in this dream.  
He grabbed her hand and tried to hold it, but soon after, she disappeared.

He fell to his knees. He had no power left to stand or walk. Although he couldn't describe any one of his feelings, they forced him down and let him no air to breathe.

As he went down, finally forced by the drugs, he came to rest on his back, looking up into the sky. In this dream he always ended up on a fix - in the middle of the street.  
The Salazars, Claudia and Teri always ended up standing in a circle, looking down on him.

Audrey was never there.

…..

 _Audrey's room, same time_

Harry knocked on her door, hesitatingly.  
On the whole way here he had tried some beginnings of sentences on how to tell her what kind of negotiations Jack had started.

James Heller had decided that he should be the one to break the news - gently.

As she didn't answer he tried to open up - the door wasn't even locked.  
Silently he stepped into the hallway of the living quarters that he had shared with her up to a day ago.

„Audrey?", he called and went into the living room. A cone of light, coming out of the kitchen showed him that she probably was awake.  
Carefully, not to startle her, he went on and pushed the door open. „Aud…" his voice stalled in the middle of the word, as he found her lying on the floor, within a pool of blood.

.

.

.

.

 _written to: Judas Priest / Hell is Home (1st Part), Florence and the Machine / Over the love (2nd part)_

 _Every time in the past chapters or parts of my story something happened and kept Jack and Audrey from really telling each other or living through their memories of China._  
 _Audrey seemed to be over it - she obvioiusly had some help_  
 _But to me it was always clear that Jack hasn't yet come to terms with all that happened in his past. It haunts him and still influences him._

 _After all, there are two men who love Audrey and Jack must (finally?) learn the hard way what happens if he always puts saving the country first._

 _please R & R - thank you! _


	17. Rage against

**Rage against…**

.

.

.

.

The secret service men, ordered to protect the vice president had a hard time keeping up with him. He was running the whole way from his office, straight to the medical ward where they had brought Audrey.  
Just a few minutes ago his phone had ripped him out of his nightmares- something that he was usually glad for - but not any longer, after he had heard the reason for the call.

„Let me through.", he hissed at the man who was protecting the entrance doors of the ward.  
The man almost jumped aside, frightened by the delegation that came towards him.

Jack already wanted to ask one of the nurses where Audrey was, as he spotted Harry, waiting outside one of the ward's rooms.  
Harry raised his head to stare at Jack.  
He hands and the sleeves of his white shirt were still bloody.

Jack didn't even want to think about where that blood came from. He finally slowed down and approached Harry. The secret service agents stood back.

Harry wasn't well.  
They both weren't, as they - for some seconds - wordlessly stared into each other's eyes.  
Restlessness was in their both views. Unbelief.  
They wanted to do something, to help or actually to change things, but they both knew that the past couldn't be rewritten. They were powerless against it.

Jack was the first one to break the stare.  
He glanced at the door to the operating theatre nearby. It had a small window. But he wasn't sure if he could stand to look through these windows.

He had become one of the world's most powerful men.  
But there was nothing he could do.  
There was nothing he could do about so many things.

Jack still mused about what he had done all wrong to lead them here, as the rage within Harry boiled to uncontrollable level.  
He had Audrey's blood on his hands because of _this_ man.

At some point, Harry didn't care any more whether there were Secret Service agents around or not.  
He jumped up and went right for him, before speaking one word at all.

The first blow hit Jack completely unexpected. He stumbled back the few steps until he could brace himself against the wall. Harry didn't hesitate at all and came after him, hitting him a second and third time, before Jack ducked away beneath one of his blows and hit him hard into the stomach to stall him.

The Secret Service agents came running down the hallway - actually to defend their vice president - but in the moment they merely tried to part the two fighting men.  
Now and then one of them managed to get free and used the few moments to struck another blow at the other.  
The men didn't follow Jack's orders to let go of him.

Whenever they both tried to restrain him, Harry got enough freedom to score one or two punches at Jack. And when they tried to get Harry away from the vice president, it was Jack's chance to go after the other, in boiling rage.  
After a while the secret service agents had caught an uncounted number of blows and were still helpless to end the fight.

A voice from the off finally ended the struggle. „ENOUGH!", James Heller shouted. He was shocked by that picture as he had come back into the ward. A vice president and his chief of staff - fighting like thugs.

Jack and Harry stopped hitting each other, but they still starred into each others eyes with so much hate in their views that they could almost kill. Jack's grasp at Harry's throat only slowly eased. Finally, after a few moments of eerie silence, he let go of the other.

The secret service agents were finally able to bring the two men apart and fixate them against the opposite walls of the corridor.

Heller came over to them.  
Derogatorily he seized up Harry, wordlessly shook his head and then turned to Jack.  
„Is that how you as a vice president desire to solve problems?", he asked him.

Jack didn't even look at the old man. He still starred past him, at Harry, and disregarded Heller's question.  
„I told you to _watch_ over her.", he hissed at Harry.

„I won't let you make _me_ responsible for this.", Harry hissed back, „you and your decisions alone had an influence on this!"

Jack wanted to go after him again, but Heller's presence and the firm grasp of the agent kept him back. He didn't do much more than a short struggle.

„Silence! Both of you now!", Heller commanded. „I will not let you act like this right in front of the room where my daughter is struggling for her life!" He pointed at the door to the operating theatre.

It seemed to bring back some sense into the two fighting men.

„How is she?", Jack hesitatingly asked.

James Heller sighed.  
Harry didn't dare to answer anything. Every single word he'd say - he knew - would send Jack over the edge again.

„Jim? How. is. she?", he asked again, silently. His voice trembled.

Heller took a deep breath.  
„There's nothing you can do for her right now, Jack.", he answered and signaled the secret service agent to let go of Jack. In passing, he told Harry to stay and call him if there was any new development.  
He laid his left arm round Jack's shoulders and half guided, half forced him to come with him. „Let's talk.", he murmured.

…..

Wordlessly James Heller put a glass of whiskey down on the table, in front of his guest.

Jack answered nothing.  
He sat in one of the leather chairs around the living room table in Heller's quarters and stared at the golden liquid in the glass.  
He couldn't remember any more how many of them he'd already had in the past 24 hours. It was a countless number, it seemed. Whiskey. Painkillers. Whiskey. Sleeping pills. Cocaine to wake up again.  
Right now, he wasn't even sure how much Heller knew about his. Had Audrey told him something? Or Harry? Or was it already that obvious? Or was it Heller's usual way to invite his opponents to talk?

The old man sat down on the sofa at the long side of the cocktail table and raised his glass.

Hesitatingly Jack took his, too and clinked glasses with Heller.  
He sipped at the drink and put it down again. Right now, he was even disgusted by the smell of it. It was one of the things that told him how many mistakes that he had made already and that could never be made undone.

Heller seized him up from head to toe.  
Jack hadn't dared to look into his eyes, ever since he'd entered the hospital ward.

„Jack?", he asked to started the conversation.

Jack sadly smiled. He still couldn't look into Heller's eyes.  
Instead, he stared at the wall opposite him. „Just say it.", he answered, expecting a reproach from the old man.

„Say what?", Heller asked.

For the first time Jack turned around to him. „That I'm the root cause for all the evil, harm and all the pain that you ever experienced." It was no exaggeration. „We both know it."

James Heller shook his head. „I'm not here to throw these things at you."

„But?"

„All the arrangements were made. Xin Yapeng will meet our delegation at 10a.m. …. in not even four hours", he added.

Jack stared at him with disbelief „is _that_ all you think about, right now?"

„It's important. The Russians stopped their movements in the pacific region half an hour after your and Yapeng's meeting ended. We'll be down to a who-will-offer-them-more situation by noon."

Jack shook his head. „I won't be there."

„You need to. You're the acting president of this country."

„Yapeng won't ever trust me after what happened right now. I could convince him a few hours ago that I wouldn't hold against them what had happened to me and Audrey in China. Now she's down in the medical ward after a suicide attempt…" he shook his head and lowered his view, murmuring, _how could I… ever._

„You'll lose your face if you don't talk to him. We can do anything to hide what really happened."

„Hide?" Jack was flabbergasted. „ _You_ tell me you want to _hide_ what happened? To your own daughter, Jim? Do you know how ridiculous this sounds?"

Heller put his glass down loudly. „If we had a choice, Jack, I would opt for any other option. But the shit's already hit the fan, Jack. We need to make the best out of this situation."

Jack imperceptibly shook his head no. „I can't do this Jim.", he breathed. „Not after…"  
Finally, he grabbed his glass and drank a big gulp of the whiskey. As it burned down his throat, a thought that he'd had for quite a while but never dared to speak out loud found it's way to his lips. „I want to resign."

Heller startled.  
He didn't need to ask _why_.  
„You can't, Jack."

„I know.", he silently answered, burying his face his hands. So many things had happened in the past years. Bad things. War. Intrigues. Losses. Solitude. As he sat there, his eyes closed, and felt Heller's demanding stare on him, he didn't know how much more of this he could take.  
He had taken too much on him, already. As he'd crossed that border for the first time, he had drowned his sorrows in Whiskey. Had gone further. Had developed a habit for painkillers. Had gone further. A bit Cocaine now and then had raised the tolerable limits even higher.

He opened his eyes again and saw the nearly empty glass in front of him. Actually, he had to admit that he had wanted to resign even before the whole peace treaty had started - he'd been over the limit already, a week ago.  
For a moment he wondered what had been his drug that had pushed him to go beyond the limit once again.  
It hadn't been a substance.  
Sadly, he remembered the two evenings when he'd met Audrey at the deck. She had been his drug that had pushed him through this peace conference, by ending the solitude and by simply being there in the moments when he had needed somebody to talk.  
She had forced him to go cold turkey- and that was exactly how he felt.


	18. Things better left unsaid

_A/N: probably I should get something clear because it obviously wasn't (guest!) - Audrey didn't attempt suicide because of being rejected of Jack, but because of his statement to the Chinese that he doesn't bring charges against them for what had happened to him and Audrey in Chinese prison._

 _enjoy!_

* * *

 **Things better left unsaid**

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.

.

.

James Heller was the same torn as his guest.  
He watched Jack from behind, as he came back with the bottle of Whiskey to refill their glasses. Jack silently sat there, obviously thinking about something. He stared at the tv screen on the opposite wall.

Silently groaning, Heller sat down on the couch again and poured himself a second glass. As he wanted to give Jack a refill, too, he covered his glass with his hand and said _no_.

„´you sure?", Heller asked, astounded. He had watched Jack throughout the past months - and knew that he was anything else but reluctant when it came to alcohol.

„Yap. Sure.", Jack answered and instead took out his cigarette case. „Do you mind?"

Heller shook his head no. For a few moments, he silently watched the news headlines. _US and Chinese negotiations underway. Vice president said to have met the Chinese prime minister._

„When did they publish this?", Jack asked.

„About ten minutes after your and Yapeng's meeting started."

„Who was the source? Only you, me and Harry knew about it."

Heller sighed. „We believe it was a source out of the Chinese delegation." He took a deep breath. „We could have hardly told them to negotiate with us and at the same time don't tell anyone. That was inevitable."

„Still…" Jack leant back and read the headlines once more. Finally, he turned to Heller. „I should have talked to Audrey before I met him. It could have changed things."

Heller didn't object. He slightly nodded his head, still keeping an eye on Jack, and not so sure if he should be glad for what he'd done or hate him for it. As secretary of defense, he should be glad for the negotiations that could prevent WWIII. As a father, he should hate that man for negotiating with a regime that had tormented his only daughter in such ways.  
„You couldn't foresee that she'd react like this."

„I really didn't.", Jack breathed. „And that's not an excuse. I thought she'd probably hate me. Be angry at me.", he turned away and took a pull on his cigarette. „I would have lived with that…" At the moment he even hated himself for that. He had always known that he'd hurt her with purpose when going to negotiate with the Chinese and formally acquit them of all they'd done to him and Audrey.  
„I had even hoped she'd understand… or at least forgive me.", he silently added.  
Now, in the aftermath, it sounded ridiculous.

„At least she shouldn't have learned it from tv.", Heller sighed. „But that's something we both could have changed." He sipped at his drink.

Jack stubbed out his cigarette in silence. Somehow, he felt the ice break between him and the old man. They suddenly were on the same side - for the first time ever, it seemed to Jack. Something bad had happened to Audrey. But they both could have prevented it or changed it in some way.  
He felt the sudden urge to speak about all the things that had been unsaid between them. A year ago, as he had come into office and Heller back into his post as secretary, the open enmity had stopped suddenly.  
But Jack knew that Heller's old grudge still had to be there. Heller wouldn't be the first to talk.

„I'm sorry for everything, Jim.", he hesitatingly started. „Not only for what happened today. I mean for everything. In all the past yea…"

„Stop it, Jack.", Heller harshly cut in, „I don't wanna hear it. I don't wanna talk about it all."

„Why not?", Jack answered, trying to calm the heated atmosphere.

Heller slowly leant over, coming a bit closer. „Do you really think I'd ever forgive you? Do you really expect me to say something like _it wasn't your fault_ or _you had no other choice_?", he tonelessly hissed.

„I don't expect such words.", Jack hissed back. „I know what I've done… and caused."

„Then you know why I don't want you anywhere near anyone of my family. I told you once Jack- you're cursed. Why don't you finally realize this?"

„I do.", Jack answered and turned away. This conversation was even harder to have than he had expected. „Don't you see I did everything to keep away?", he silently spoke while he lit himself another cigarette. He couldn't stand to look into Heller's eyes.  
„I kept away when you told me to, after I had helped to get her out of Bakersfield. I even kept away after she separated from her husband.", he added.

„Bullshit!" Heller angrily stood up, starting to circle the table. „You kept away? Well, then let me tell you one thing: she's in hospital. Because of something you've done!"

Jack couldn't stand getting yelled at. He stood up, too and rushed the few steps over to Heller. „Yes, she is. But think of one thing" he pointed his finger right at Heller, „maybe keeping away wasn't the right solution. What happened… wouldn't have happened if I had been there."  
He was suddenly overcome by the realization that respecting Hellers wish to keep away from Audrey hadn't saved them from anything. Probably it had been wrong, too.

He let up on Heller and went a few steps through the room to calm down.

„It wouldn't have mattered at all, Jack, who of us would have been there.. me, you, Harry… fact is, it's too late. And we're all equally guilty."  
Heller watched Jack as he aimlessly went around, tearing his hair. It made him so angry to talk and think about all what had happened between them in the past years. Shouting at each other didn't make it better. But he couldn't not react like this.

Jack didn't feel much different.  
The rage was burning inside him. Pure hate, grief and guilt, too.  
He leant against the wall and watched Heller, who stood in the outmost corner on the other side of the room.  
Nobody of them said a word, knowing that they should calm down first.

Heller watched Jack's chest rise and fall with every breath.  
„Did you think it would change something between us that you moved up in society? Are the vice president? It didn't."

Jack snorted with a sad laughter. „I didn't ask for a bonus. The same as I didn't ask for this job."

„Good.", Heller answered, „then we understand each other."

„Probably." Jack took a last pull on his cigarette and went over to the table to stub it out.  
He sat down on the armrest of the chair. „At least it did change one thing, Jim.", he spoke and looked into the old man's eyes. „You can't use your position any more against me. Does that frighten you?"

Heller angrily wanted to reply something, but Jack stopped him even before the first word.  
„Hold your breath, Jim, and don't say whatever you wanted to say. You're probably forgetting that I have access to literally _anything_ now.", Jack presented his presidential access card to Audrey's father. „Including all the things out of my own past."

Heller got obviously nervous as he saw the card. „I had my reasons.", he brusquely answered.

Jack saw him retreat a few inches. „I know. But those reasons didn't give you the right to let me rot in China and stall all efforts to get me out… miraculously, only until Audrey went there.", Jack sighed and stood up. He slowly started to walk around the table, always keeping an eye on Heller. „Or the right to force me out of CTU and criminalize me when I came back. Or even to force me off the continent…. Or to send me and my platoon into near suicide missions a year ago… transfer me to the other side of the country just for I wouldn't be near her…" he came over to Heller, really close, still continuing to list his abuses of office „… or to stall any investigations against her husband after he'd shot me twice."

Heller didn't know what to answer. He was guilty of all that.

Jack leant over and whispered „He had aimed at her… not me." into Heller's ear. „You knew?"  
Their views only met briefly. Jack could tell from Heller's view that he hadn't known it. He had tried to protect a man who had tried to kill Audrey. That was something that he should know. „I bet you didn't.", he breathed.  
Then he paced away, leaving the old man and his new sorrows alone.

Heller called him back right at the door- „Jack!"

Only slowly, the vice president stopped and turned.

„Why did you never use that against me?", he asked. „You could have had your revenge any time."

Jack just smiled and shook his head. For a moment he wondered if he should answer something, but he decided not to.  
Heller could draw his own conclusions.  
Being at the mercy of somebody doesn't go unnoticed.

…

Accompanied by two different secret service agents than before, Jack entered the hospital ward again, finding Harry still wait in front of Audrey's room.  
He tiredly lifted his head and looked at the delegation.

Jack didn't let the situation get out of hand, like last time. Slowly he approached him, always followed by the two guards.

„How is she?", Jack asked him.

„Better.", Harry answered and stood up. „She'll get through, they said. Lost a lot of blood but she'll wake up in a few hours, hopefully."

They both went over to the room where she was in and looked through the two small windows in the room. They could only see the foot end of the bed, a table and empty chairs nearby, dimly lit by the displays of the medical equipment.

„Can I?", Jack asked and nodded at the door.

Harry slightly nodded _yes_. „They allowed it. Silently."

Cautiously, Jack opened the door and entered the room, followed by Harry. He would have wished that he wouldn't have followed him, but right now he didn't have the heart either to send him away.

The sight of Audrey, in a hospital bed hit administered Jack a severe blow. It felt like time was turned back years… to the worst moments of their lives.

Harry couldn't know what was going on inside Jack's head. He watched him asquint as they both stood at the foot of the bed.  
None of them had spoken a word in minutes.  
The silence was unbearable to Harry, but he couldn't find any innocuous words either that he could start a conversation with. Almost any thought that came across his mind - he guessed - would bring them back to their fight.  
„I found her on the living room floor…", Harry silently began. „she had cut her arm with a knife. The TV was on. They showed you and the Chinese prime minister, reporting about your success in negotiations and the sudden good relationships between our countries."

Jack screwed his eyes shut. He was glad that it was dark and Harry could't see his eyes filled with tears. It was so much harder to see Audrey like this… hearing how it had happened and getting the confirmation that he had been the one to cause it.  
„Leave me alone, please.", he spoke under his breath.

Hesitatingly, Harry said yes.  
He yielded a few steps back, slowly, watching how Jack grabbed one of the chairs and settled at the side of the bed.

„What are you gonna do?", he silently asked.

„I don't know yet." Jack answered and hugged his legs tight to him. „Honestly, I don't.", he breathed and didn't take his eyes off Audrey for one single second. He didn't even realize how Harry finally left.

Hesitatingly, he slipped the chair closer until could at least brace himself against the mattress of her bed. He tenderly took her left hand into his, whispering _tell me what to do, Audrey… i don't know how to go on.  
_ He feared the moment when she'd wake up and her hate against him would unfold again. But at the moment he swore himself to be there, no matter what.

Tired like he was, he didn't even realize that she'd cut her right arm… as a right hander.

.

.

.

 _to all my dear readers:  
stay tuned. She'll get back on her feet, I promise.  
_


	19. In the early hour

**In the early hour**

.

.

.

.

„Audrey…", he whispered and grabbed her hand once more.  
Carefully he took her lifeless hand and brought it to his face, kissing it softly.  
„I had no other choice but to talk to him.", he whispered, knowing that she couldn't hear him. But it didn't matter. Right now he needed to talk, if not to her, then to himself- because the silence in the room was unbearable.

Outside, the sun was just about to rise. The morning twilight was already on the way.

Holding her hand, Jack sat at the side of the bed. He could do nothing at all.  
Years ago, it hadn't been much different. He remembered the nights that he had spent by her side, in the Heller residence - always afraid that her father would find him.  
It was not even different now.  
Somehow, he expected Heller or Harry to come in any moment and tear him away from her. For other reasons - for sure - but it wouldn't feel so much different.

The phone that had rang a hundred times already since he was here was ringing again. First he had switched it to silent mode, but even the noise of the vibration was a disturbingly loud noise in here.

 _Damn it,_ he murmured as he reached out to switch it off completely - as he read the caller's ID. It was Chloe.  
Hesitatingly, Jack picked up the phone, murmuring _Bauer_ brusquely.

„Jack, do you have him?", she asked, being one of the persons who didn't pay attention to his harsh tone.

„Do I have _who?_ ", he asked back.

„The guy who.." suddenly it dawned on her that Jack didn't know anything about this. „The one who did this to Audrey."

Jack froze. „What?", he first breathed, then almost shouted it, „WHAT?"  
He let go of Audrey's hand and jumped up. „What you talking about, Chloe?"

„I've been trying to reach you for over an hour now!", she answered, „As I heard about Audrey I just wanted to … get it confirmed, at the least the details."

„And?", impatiently Jack paced up and down inside the room. „Wait a minute - how did you find out about Audrey? We kept the circle as close as possible, only Harry and Jim know about it."

„Jack, when you check her in to a hospital with a fake social security number again, to let nobody know, then make sure you don't use one that I created for you.", she sighed, unnerved.  
„As I checked on the camera feeds, I saw that at least five cameras around her quarters were switched to a loop."

„Who did it?" He clenched his fist and only hardly withstood the temptation to slam it against the nearest wall. „Tell me his name and I'll…"

„I don't know the name, Jack.", she interrupted him. „It seems to me that it was done from the inside, there's a CCTV room on the third floor with analogue backups. I can't access that one from the outside, it's not in the network."

„Give me a minute and I'll be there.", Jack answered, his thoughts suddenly revolving around thousand new questions.  
Chloe had long since hung up again as he still stood there, fighting his anger, thinking about what to do and staring at Audrey.  
Who was to mysterious one? It could be anyone. Harry had tricked him before. Would he…?

Right now, Jack wasn't so sure about anyone any more.  
He opened the door and beckoned the lead secret service agent in.

Surprised, the agent stepped into Audrey's unlighted room and watched Jack close the door behind them again, to have some privacy.  
„I want you to order five men down here. Guide that room. No-one comes in without a complete ID check. Not even doctors or nurses. No friends, no family." Jack took a deep breath and told himself that he was over-reacting. James Heller would never be the one to hurt his daughter. „Except for the Secretary of Defense.", he reluctantly added.  
He approached the Agent and looked into his eyes. „This is a matter of national security.", he spoke, just to make sure that they would know how important this was. As a matter of fact, it had really become a matter of national security. Somebody within the administration was obviously trying to force him to quit the negotiations with the Chinese.

Now that the secret service posts were inside the room, too, it was suddenly highly inappropriate to go over to Audrey and kiss her goodbye.  
Hesitatingly, Jack left the room, making sure with a last view at her, that she'd be alright.  
 _I'll find that damn asshole who did this to you,_ he murmured- just so silently that the secret service wouldn't hear it.

—

Harry was harshly ripped out of bed.  
He remembered the many times that he had ripped Jack out of sleep- most of the times to bring him bad news about something that had happened.  
This time, it was the other way round.  
Wordlessly, he stared at Jack, who stood in the doorframe and harshly commanded him to _get up, get dressed and come_ with him.  
After he had said it, he slammed the door shut and seemed to wait outside.

Pushed by a wave of adrenaline, Harry jumped out of bed, put on some clothes and rushed outside, still buttoning up his shirt.  
„This is about Audrey, right?", he asked and approached Jack, „tell me what's up with her!"

„She's alright.", he answered, „she'll be fine."

For a moment of silence they looked into each other's eyes.

Harry seized up Jack. He wore a wide black hooded jacket and somehow made a strange impression on him.  
No matter if he had really fit into his office or just acted along - something had suddenly made him stop playing his role.  
It sent a chill down Harry's spine.

„Jack, what's up?", he hesitatingly asked.

„Got your gun?", he asked him.

Astounded, Harry shook his head. „I don't wear a gun on me, you know that!", he hissed.

„Do. you. have. one.", Jack hissed back, emphasizing every word.  
He was not in a mood for a discussion.

Something about him made Harry's alarm bells ring. Although he pinned it on the obvious strange behavior, something in the back of his head simply knew that there was more to Jack's strange behavior.  
The tiny pupils. The nervousness. Or the fact that his opponent suddenly wasn't tired any more, although he hadn't really slept a peaceful night in days.

With no more opposition Harry went to get his gun. „Where are we going?", he asked, again.

„You'll see it soon enough.", Jack answered and almost dragged him with him, rushing away.

As they hurried down the corridor, he handed Harry his mobile phone.  
„Look at that video. That's the real surveillance tape in front of Audrey's hallway.", Jack remarked as he pushed open an unremarkable door on the side of the corridor that suddenly led them into a supply and technical corridor that Harry had never seen before.  
He had a hard time following Jack's quick steps. „Wait!", he hissed and stopped, as he saw the man that the security camera had filmed - right in front of Audrey's quarters. Times matched.

Harry stopped and stared. Not believing it.  
There was not much to see. Somebody who entered the picture, looked around if nobody had seen him and then used a keycard to open the door to Audrey's quarters.  
Harry waited and starred at the motionless screen.  
Only fifteen seconds later, the man came back out again, locking the door behind him with the keycard.

Jack watched him closely. He saw the disbelief turn into hate, and then into rage. He read it all from Harry's face.

„For how long did you know?", Harry stammered and gave Jack the phone back.

„Twenty minutes? Fifteen?", Jack sighed and braced his hand against the wall, looking into Harry's eyes. „We were so busy hiding from the Chinese what had happened to Audrey that we didn't even dare to do what we would normally do first - investigate."

Harry nodded his assent. It was a shame. He had been head of Military Intelligence. That was inexcusable.

„They knew we could only try to hide it and tell no-one.", Jack remarked. He saw how deeply it affected Harry. He had frozen stiff.  
„This is not your fault.", he spoke as he approached him, even forced him to look into his eyes. „This is not your fault, Harry.", he repeated, intensely. „They tricked us. And we fell for it."

„This is Havering.", Harry stammered. „He's here with.."

„..Parkers delegation, I know.", Jack interrupted him. He took a deep breath. Intensely, he looked into Harry's eyes. „Are you in on this with me?", he finally asked him.

Harry didn't know what to answer - nor what to expect.  
He tried to read from Jack's eyes what he had really meant with this question. For a moment he wanted to ask - _in on what?_ \- but there was only one obvious answer. He was out for blood. He was out for Havering's head. This is why they were standing here, in a nearly unlighted back corridor that nobody else seemed to care about.

Again, Jack asked him the same.

Hesitatingly, Harry nodded his head yes. He saw the thirst for blood in Jack's eyes. He had never seen that side of him before.  
„How do you wanna do it?", he hesitatingly asked.

Jack signaled him to come along.  
Looking out for anyone who could see them, the both of them made their way through the barely lighted corridor.

„I've had a fake message transmitted to him, telling him to meet his usual contact person - the one we believe who had given him the assignment - outside, at the pond in the wood behind the stables."

Harry still wondered where Jack got all that intelligence from. „So you wanna kill him there?"

Jack nodded and pulled out an unobtrusive looking key card. Chloe had set that one up for him, so he could get in and out of this building without being registered under his real name. It was alarmingly easy to fool the security perimeters around this place.  
He held the door open for Harry, who had still not fully come to terms with killing a man.

„What about a prosecution for attempted murder and treason?", he still probed, as Jack worked to open the door to the stables with his special keycard. „A fair trial."  
As he had finally opened it up, Jack angrily tore him into the building, ramming him against the nearest wall in the dark.  
„You said you were in this with me!", he hissed at his Chief of Staff. „So are you or are you _not_? I need your decision _now._ Because he's already waiting and in less than fifteen minutes the sun is going to rise."

Harry could barely breathe beneath Jack's firm grasp. „I'm just trying to keep you from making a mistake.", he uttered, „what if this backfires?"

„Right." Jack let go of him. He could almost not see him in the dark, but he heard how Harry gladly too a few deep breaths.  
„Like Audrey got a fair trial, huh? If we go to court, this all will be dragged out into the public. The agreement with the Chinese will never happen. And you know what happens then?" Jack bent down to Harry who still doubled over, trying to catch his breath again, „then they will have won. And we reached nothing with this, Harry. Havering might go to the chair. He'll tell no names. And everyone who stood behind him will continue to bring me, you and my administration down until they get their will."

Jack reached out for the gun that stuck between his back and belt. Just twenty minutes ago, after Chloe had told him where to find the real surveillance tapes before they'd be automatically erased, he had taken his fake keycard, snuck into the shooting range below the tennis court and had grabbed a package of 7.62x25mm cartridges.  
The silver polished Tokareva gun, magazine fully loaded, weighed heavy in his hands, almost like the first time that the had held it, over a year ago.  
That hat been his last shot - he had thought forever.

It had been an unpleasant feeling to hold it in his hands again. Tired like had been, he hadn't even been so sure if he'd be able to kill Havering with the first shot at all or if he'd probably miss him in the dark.  
The two lines of cocaine that he had taken to wake up had somehow swept away his tiredness and the doubts at once. They even pushed the memories of his last kill far, far away.

Harry watched him closely, how he took out a flashlight and started to search the nearby shelfs for something that he could use as a silencer.  
It didn't feel right. He didn't want to kill somebody from an ambush. But what Jack had said was also true. They had no chance of winning this in a court room. For a few moments he wondered what had made Jack decide to do this.

Finally, Jack took a small package of horse fodder, a from one of the racks. It would silence the shot enough.  
„So are you in this with me or not?", he asked Harry for a last time. „There will be no back any more for us once we go through that door." he nodded at the back door of the stables.

Hesitatingly, Harry nodded his head yes.  
„Give me that. I'll hold that for you.", he murmured and grabbed Jack's improvised silencer. „Let's do this."

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 _Anything for Audrey.. right?  
Thanks for waiting patiently for an update. This will be continued.  
amacma _


	20. Hidden Truths

**Hidden truths**

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The newly started conference was already on it's first break after an hour of introduction and negotiations.  
As Jack spotted Harry entering the room, he quickly apologized to the people that he had been talking to and went over to him.

Harry had changed into one of his good suits again. Nobody could guess that for the last one and half hours, he had actually sunk a corpse into a pond after cutting out the two bullets that had killed that man.

„Everything alright?", Jack unobtrusively asked him. No other words said, in case somebody listened.  
Harry knew the real question behind it. „Sure. No problems at all.", he replied, wondering how Jack had managed to get back here, shower, dress up and be in time for the beginning of the pre-conference meeting. As a matter of fact, not even now he looked like what he had been through or at least a bit tired.

„Did you talk to Xin Yapeng before the conference? About Audrey?", Harry asked.

Jack nodded yes. „Let's walk a few steps.", he murmured.  
As they walked around in the room to avoid anyone listening, Jack fought the wish to light himself a cigarette. He desperately wanted one. He desperately wanted more than a cigarette - a glass of Whiskey or preferably a blow.  
A few hours ago, as he had sat at Audrey's bed, holding her hand, he had sworn to himself that he'd get rid of this all. The exception that he had allowed himself in the early morning had been the last one - to avenge what had been done to her.

„Xin asked me about Audrey.", Jack murmured, „they knew already that it had happened."

„What did you answer?" Harry unobtrusively walked next to Jack.

„First I wanted to tell him the truth… but I didn't. It's too early and it could backfire if anyone made a link. We can't officially know what _do_ know.", Jack sighed, „I tried to convince him that it wouldn't have an effect on our negotiations… and that I didn't think differently about it all, just because of Audrey's state."

„Did he buy it?"

Jack smiled as he turned around to Harry. „Doesn't matter at all.", he spoke. „Once Audrey wakes up, she'll tell the agents what had really happened. Then the truth will be out officially. There's no need for us to spoil that."

Relieved, Harry smiled, too. „You really thought that through.", he mentioned.

Jack couldn't help smile back. „From first to last.", he said, „Trust me."

—-

James Heller tiredly lifted his head to see who had entered the room. He sat at one of the chairs that stood at the foot end of Audrey's bed.  
Nobody had told him why there was suddenly Secret Service all around. He had come here an hour ago and five agents had awaited him. Thereafter he had tried to call Harry or Jack to find out what was going on but none of them had answered.

Jack paid attention to close the door behind him without making a noise.

James Heller's eyes followed every one of the steps he made- how he came over, stood at the foot end of the bed, looking down on Audrey and how he finally sat down at the chair next to him. It was the only one left in the room.

„Jim.", Jack silently said to greet him. There was tension between them, the same like the one last time that they had met.

„Why the secret service, Jack? And where's Harry?"

Jack pulled his tie open and reached out for the mobile phone in his pocket. Wordlessly he brought on the surveillance tape and handed it over to Heller. „Harry is coordinating the negotiations."

Heller watched the tape: how Havering looked around if somebody had seen him come, opened up the door to Audrey's quarters and came back out a bit later.  
Before he could reply anything, Jack took the mobile phone out of his hands again and silently remarked „I took care of it."

James Heller watched him closely, trying to find out how far Jack had gone.  
He wouldn't say another word about it. But judging from how calm he was, he guessed that he had gone to the utmost point.

Sighing deeply, Heller stood up. „This was no suicide attempt?", he unbelievingly asked after he had went around a few steps in the room.

Jack shook his head. „No. That's the reason for the Secret Service.", he remarked.

Heller needed a few minutes until he had grasped that information.  
He was relieved, somehow- that it wasn't Audrey who had done that to herself. But on the other hand he was suddenly afraid about her safety.  
Finally, he sat down next to Jack again, but did not deign to look at him.

Eerie silence first.  
Which grew into a tensed up atmosphere.

„I don't want you around her.", he finally spoke. Silently, but distinct.

Jack said nothing.  
He sat there and starred at the foot end of the bed. Anger boiled in his chest.  
Hadn't he done enough to earn his place here?  
Just over hour ago, he had fired two shots at a creature in the woods. And it had felt good to kill this man.  
The Tokareva gun still stuck in his belt. He couldn't leave that piece of evidence behind. He'd carry it with him until he'd find a safe means of getting rid of it.  
Or he'd use it again - if necessary.

„Did you hear what I said?", Heller asked.

Jack slowly nodded a yes. „I heard you."

Heller realized that he wouldn't get him to leave by just telling him to.

„I'm not gonna leave."

„Right." Heller sighed. „Like you said six years ago." He didn't need to tear the ugly details out again, but he wanted Jack out of this room. Now. By all means. There was one ace up his sleeve that he hadn't ever played against him. Up to now.

„And I'm not gonna leave now.", Jack murmured. „You can't make me leave this time."

„I see." Heller spoke, „But in the end… was it really _me_ who made you leave? Like you told Audrey? Aren't you leaving out a few… details?"

Jack turned around, looking into Heller's eyes.  
The old man looked self-conscious about something that he obviously knew.  
He wanted to ask _what details_ \- but he feared that Heller could only mean one thing after all. And that was one that he didn't want to talk about. How the hell did he know about that?

As Heller saw the flicker of fear in Jack's eyes - that sudden realization that his enemy knew one of his most vulnerable points, one of his most closely guarded secrets. He instinctively knew that he had won.

Wordlessly, Jack stood up and left the room.

—-

 _Six years earlier_  
 _4 days after Jack's and Audrey's return from China_

„Can you see the video stream, Sir?", the agent asked over the phone.  
He liked to call himself an ‚agent' - but in the end, he wasn't even so sure at all if he was one.  
At least he worked for one of the largest defense contractors in the whole country, and right now his assignment was to help out the Secretary of Defense on some problem.  
Half an hour ago, he had picked up an unconscious man at Heller's residence, and had brought him here, to this old warehouse. First floor. An unlighted building, empty and obviously a safe haven for all kinds of junkies and homeless people.

As he looked down on the man that lay at his feet, on an old blanket that he'd found somewhere in here, he guessed that the one fit into this house. He looked shabby, hadn't shaved or changed clothes in days. It was a boney creature, undernourished and looking weak.

„I see it. That's well enough. Keep an eye on him. I want to know when he moves, what he does and where he goes.", Heller answered. „Do you have everything you need?"

„Yes, Sir.", the agent answered and took out the syringe and the small bottle with drugs that he had bought on the way here.  
He had kept down the man with a few high voltage shocks- the guy was unconscious right now, so why keep him down with drugs, too?  
The agent innerly sighed and knelt down next to him. It was not his task to question Heller's orders. He'd do what he had been told. Keep him unconscious, bring him here and inject a load of heroine into that man's arm. The way he looked like - skinny and messy - he most likely was a junkie already.

Carefully, always making sure that the one was still unconscious, he took the jacket off him and the blue sweater, too, to get to his armpit.

For a moment he hesitated, when he saw the man's back. It was covered with scars, all over. They looked fresh. Some of them hadn't even completely healed - their skin was still pink and thin. There were countless bruises on his torso and his arms. A good portion of his left shoulder was hurt, too. It looked like chemical burns.  
Hesitatingly, the agent brought his victim into a stable side position.  
„Sir…", he began, „there's something you might wanna see.", he mentioned and directed his camera towards the man's back.

Heller had always known that _something_ had happened to him in China. But not that.  
He had expected much to come - but seeing in what shape his worst enemy really was still aroused pity.  
„Thank you. I've seen enough.", he murmured and was glad as the agent turned the video feed away from the ugly details.  
The agent had put down his mobile phone -the one with that little camera inside it - next to him.  
Silently, Heller watched how the man took the syringe, drew the liquid up into it and took his victim's arm.  
There was no back any more.  
For a moment he hesitated - he even thought of telling the agent to be careful, not to inject too much of it. But then he didn't. It wouldn't matter anyway. One more drug victim in Los Angeles. Nobody would care. Not even CTU, if they found out that one of their former members had caught the golden shot.  
His past with the drug was known - they'd just say that he had always been fond of it. He was down at heel - in a position in his life where it would be absolutely plausible that he had ended up hooked again.

„Sir, everything's done. I'll report as soon as something changes.", the agent's voice spoke on the phone.

„Very well. Thank you.", Heller answered and hung up.  
He got up and slowly climbed the stairs to the second floor, to Audrey's room, constantly telling himself that he had done the right thing.  
Force wouldn't keep him away.

Silently he entered the room and sat down next to her. She was sleeping peacefully.  
He refrained from touching her - probably she'd only wake up and call for the one person that he didn't want anywhere near her.

Force wouldn't keep that man away.  
But he would keep away - Heller was sure - once he'd realize that he was in no shape to take care of her.

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 _they have a past.  
_ _all of them.  
Tell me what you think about it. Plausible? Because I don't believe that Jack would have ever stood down post S6. There is no force that can stop him - but himself.  
It's funny - all of you who had commented that my story pretty much foresaw LAD (Audrey married, Heller still in charge,..) - I was shocked because I saw 'Jack' in the oval office yesterday - first trailer of 'designated survivor' is out! Yay!  
_ _amacma_


	21. Waking up, pt I

Waking up, pt. I

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(six years earlier)

Jack woke up with a dizzy head. He felt nauseous in the very first moment that he opened up his eyes.  
As he looked around, he found himself lying on the same rotten blanket where had already spent the previous two nights.  
He felt cold and soon found out the reason why: obviously, he had used his sweater as a provisional pillow and had covered himself only with his jacket.  
As he pulled it away a bit, he froze.  
There was a sting in his left armpit. It hurt a little, whenever he moved his arm.

As he found the syringe lying next to his body, he couldn't believe what he had done. _Damn it,_ he hissed, took it and had a look. _What have I done?_

The way it felt like - and the way it looked like, he'd had an awful load.  
Remembering like it had been yesterday, that he had had this feeling for the last time - the dizziness, the sickness and at the same time the wish to already have some more. That wish was only there because he exactly _knew_ that having more of this would make all these symptoms better.

Slowly, he sat up.  
Slowly, not to make the sickness even worse.

The morning before, he had made up a plan to eat regularly - as much as he could, to get back some strength and weight that he had lost over the course of the past months.  
But today, he felt like puking it all out again.

Weakly he got to his feet and stumbled across the room, to the window.  
On the way there, he needed to hold on to the wall, not to stumble.

As he looked outside, he realized that it wasn't only bright - it was at least a few hours into the day. The high must have struck him down for more than half the day.

Sighing deeply, he closed his eyes for a moment, as he leant against the window frame. Even a few deep breaths couldn't get his wellbeing back.  
In addition to the sickness, his whole body still hurt.

Wearily, he leant over and looked at himself, in the reflection, in one of the other window panes.  
The person that he saw in there, it looked worse than ever before.  
The last time that he had looked so bad, it had been years ago, on the climax of his heroine addiction. But not even back then he had looked as bad as he looked like right now.  
The big chemical burn on his left shoulder hurt immensely. Touching it made it only worse, so he let it be.

He knew that he had to use some of the money that he had left - if there was any - to go and buy something to dress that wound. More than a day ago, he had taken a look at the wounds on his back for the last time. Some of them hurt, some not. Looking at them he hadn't even been able to differ which were which.  
They were there. He'd never get rid of them again. Even if they'd stop to hurt one day, they'd still be there and would always remind him of what had happened.

Tiredly, he closed his eyes and turned away.  
 _Get dressed,_ he told himself, though it was damn hot in here and he was already sweating without anything on. _Those are just the drugs,_ he reminded himself about the sudden heat that he felt. He was used to this. He knew all the withdrawal symptoms by heart.

Every other step hurt. Holding on to the wall, he laboriously made his way back, to fetch that dirty blue shirt from where he'd left it.  
As he picked it up, a small bottle fell out, onto the blanket.

His heart sank. That was it. There was still something left.  
He knelt down and took the bottle into his hands. It looked almost the same like the ones that he'd had years ago. Obviously, he _had_ bought that stuff, although he couldn't really remember anything.  
Feverishly he tried to think back.  
He'd broken in to Heller's house. He had seen Audrey. End.  
Heller had thrown him out of the house the last time. Maybe yesterday evening, too, and he just couldn't remember.

All the time, as he put on his shirt and and the jacket over it, he held the small bottle in his hand, had grabbed it so tight that the glass almost broke.  
No matter where he had gotten it from. It was here.

He took the blanket with him, into the corner of the room, and sat down there.  
He was freezing. Just a withdrawal symptom.  
His back hurt, his shoulder hurt.. his broken ribs hurt.. everything did.  
He felt like being sick any other second. Just another withdrawal symptom.

Wearily, he closed his eyes, hugged his knees and waited for it all to get better.  
Knowing already that it wouldn't.

—

 _Now  
Camp David _

He had stepped out of the shower, half an hour ago.  
Right now he stood in front of the bathroom mirror, still looking at himself in the reflection. He had been standing here for all that time, almost motionlessly. Even his hair was dry by now.

Ever since Heller had thrown him out of Audrey's room, reminding him of what had happened, six years ago, his thoughts had only revolved around that.  
During the conference.  
During the after-conference meetings.  
Even as he sat in the dining hall, together with all the delegation members and Heller.  
The secretary hadn't lost a single word about this any more. Somehow, they were back to their silent understanding. Heller knew some ugly details about him and his past - details, that could even degrade him in Audrey's eyes, if her father would ever tell her.  
In turn, he knew how Heller had abused his power to keep him away or even worse.

It was an unspoken agreement between them both, that nobody would lose a single word about what they knew.

The Tokareva gun lay in front of him, on the verge of the sink. He didn't take his eyes off it, not for a single moment. He had carried it with him, the whole day long, even though the secret service had forbidden him long ago to carry a gun.  
But he was good at hiding it. He had always been.

As he looked as his wristwatch - past 1 am in the morning - he wondered how he had managed to go without a drink, a cigarette or something else up to now.  
He had sworn to himself that he wouldn't do that shit any longer.  
For Audrey.  
Or just for the sake of showing Heller that he could go without it?

Thinking that was a nonsense. Nobody knew about it. No-one knew, not Heller and not Harry, that he had lived on Whiskey, Cocaine and Cigarettes to bear being here in this cage full of rats, called an ‚administration'.

The drugs were just over there. The strong ones - not the Cocaine. The real ones.  
He had bought them, months ago, as there had been a good chance to do so. Never touched them. Not ever.

He sat down on the edge of the bathtub, still staring at the cabinet that he just needed to open up to find everything that his sick mind demanded him to take to quiet it's nagging voice in the back of his head.  
It would be so easy.  
It would make everything so bad in the aftermath. Tomorrow, he'd wake up and be a different person. As he remembered, what these things had made him capable for - what he had been able to do down in Mexico - there was nothing that he couldn't have done. There was nothing where he had felt like he wouldn't be up to it.

He was beyond tired. He had been, all day, after the effect of the last high had worn off.  
But going to sleep was not an option, without being haunted by nightmares - the ones that he'd normally kill with Whiskey.

Finally, he stood up to get dressed, taking the gun with him. If he stayed in this room for one more minute - there would be no back any more.

—

Hospital ward, Audrey's room.

„Is the secretary of defense still here?", he asked the Secret Service agent at the door to Audrey's room. It was a guy that he knew very well - and they trusted each other. Aaron Pierce had personally instated this man, and he had made a good choice.

„No, Sir. He left an hour ago.", the agent answered.

 _Thank you_ , Jack murmured, and opened the door, very silently. Once more, he leant over to the agent, telling him, „and he doesn't need to know that I was here."  
The man just nodded for an answer.

Inside, everything was ghostly silent.  
The doctors were out there somewhere, but obviously they considered Audrey to be stable enough so she wouldn't need 24-hours of attention.

He took a chair and carefully placed it at the side of the bed.

She looked like a sleeping angel. No sound, in the whole room.  
A few cables were fixed to her torso and her hands - showing a stable heart rate and blood pressure.  
He knew that she had lost a lot of blood. She had been on the verge. Again. After so many countless occasions already.  
Somehow, he could understand Heller perfectly, why he didn't want him to be anywhere near her.

Tiredly, he leant forward, resting his crossed arms on the bed and his head on top. With one hand he had clasped Audrey's left hand. It was lifeless- but warm and soft.

 _I've done so many things that you wouldn't approve,_ he murmured, knowing that she couldn't hear it, but he fell against the urge to tell her, _and I am still_

Like a traveler, who had finally reached his destination, he finally drifted of to sleep.

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	22. Waking up, pt II

_finally... the moment that you've all been waiting for.  
_ _enjoy.  
_ _amacma_

* * *

 **Waking up, pt. II**

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It was only a whisper first - a low and silent voice - calling his name again and again.  
He was asleep so fast that he didn't even realize it at first.

Only as she moved her right hand a little bit - the one that he had clasped with his - it seemed to have an effect.

Tiredly, Jack opened up his eyes.  
But as he realized where he was and what was going on, he woke with a start.

There was no light in the room, but he could see that she had opened up her eyes.  
She starred at him, had weakly grabbed his arm, stammering _Jack, it was…_

„it's alright Audie…", he whispered back and leant over the bed, until his mouth was so close to her ear that he could speak without a tone, „…I took care of it. You're safe here.", he told her, to calm her down. She was obviously trying to tell him what had really happened to her.

„…Havering…" she stammered and starred at Jack, her eyes ripped widely open with terror.

Soothingly he stroked over her hair. „I know", he whispered, trying to show her as obviously as he only could that everything was alright again, „I took care of him. He'll never do anything to you again."

Quietly, they both looked into each others eyes in the darkness. Deeply. Without words. But every slightest movement was telling a whole story.

He felt that she finally started to calm down. Her breath calmed, the many sudden movements of her eyes, that kept asking him _how_ he had taken care of the situation were calmed down by only a little, weak smile on his face.

After half an eternity, she took another turn, wet her throat, to ask him _how_.

Jack hesitated with his answer. Thoughtfully he stroked over her hair, caressed her fingers, that he still held tight in his other hand. „He'll… never be a threat to anyone anymore.", he answered, hoping that she'd understand what he meant with these words.

In the dark, he heard her relieved sigh.  
 _Thank you_ , she whispered, tonelessly.

 _You don't need to thank me for that_ , he whispered back and leant his forehead against hers.  
She was alive. Breathing. She had not tried to kill herself. And Havering hadn't succeeded. If there was something like god or a higher force, he was so deeply thankful towards it that he couldn't put it into words.

„Jack…", she whispered, silently. He didn't react. Again, she called his name.

He finally stirred and lifted his head just so high that they could look into each other's eyes again.  
Spellbound, he starred at her.

„I knew…", she began, then stopped talking in the middle of the sentence and just smiled at him.

He couldn't help smile back. „You knew what?"

„That you'd be here." she answered, „the moment I opened up my eyes… I hadn't even seen you but I knew, that if anyone was here… it would be you."

He just smiled as an answer and continued to stroke over her hair, her forehead and her cheek.  
They stayed like this for endless moments.  
Jack hoped that nobody of the doctors or agents outside the room would realize that she had waken up. He wanted this moment to never end, actually, though so many things - the same things as before - still stood between them and wouldn't ever go away by just not talking about them.  
Right now, they were here.

For a moment, he wanted to apologize to her, for letting happen what had happened.  
Audrey could read his thoughts, out of his eyes. She slightly shook her head, telling him not to apologize.

Slowly, she brought her other hand to his face. Hesitatingly she touched him, as if she wanted to make sure that he was really there and not only a dream.  
He was there. In flesh and bone.  
Carefully she stroked over his cheekbone, ran her fingers through his hair and slid her hand down the back of his head until she tightly grabbed his neck.

Jack sensed what she wanted to do.  
Without any more resistance, he let her pull him down to her, until his forehead touched hers again. He knew she wanted more. He knew he'd hurt her deeply, not giving her what she had hoped for.

„I've done so many things that you'd never approve", he whispered, almost as an apology.

Audrey grabbed him only faster. „Tell me.", she silently said to him and already felt, how he wound himself out of her firm grab.  
She didn't let loose.

Speechlessly they both stared at each other.

Jack's body leant uncomfortably over the side of the bed, down to hear, her hand wouldn't let him go. He felt her eyes pierce through his bones. He owed her an answer. He owed her explanation. An awful lot of them. Although he had done so much to keep her safe through the past year, he had hurt her so many times with it, telling himself it would be justified by the sake of safety.  
It wasn't.

Carefully, Audrey slid her body a bit to the side to make some space for him to lie down next to her. She didn't need any words to tell him what she wanted.

Hesitatingly, Jack followed her wish and lay down next to her on the little free space that she had created.

„Tell me.", she repeated, „Tell me about it."

Jack didn't know where to start. He decided to go for the easiest one.  
„I killed him. … Havering. No-one but Harry knows."

She slightly shook her head. „That's not what I meant."  
She turned around to lie on her side, facing him. „And you already told me that."

It was harder than he would have ever thought it would be. „I don't know where to start.", he tonelessly breathed.

„It's okay.", she whispered and slid a bit closer to him. Softly, she laid her hand on his shoulder. „Why did you push me away any time we a got a little bit closer? If you're still… in love with agent Walker, why are you here _now_?"

He slightly shook his head _no_. „I'm not.", he answered. It had suddenly been so easy to say these words - so they had to be true.  
For a moment he lay there, asking himself if he still loved Renee.  
Yes, he did, somehow. To think of how she had died still made him angry and sad. But maybe he had mistaken the self-reproaches for killing her with love.

„Really?", Audrey asked him again, as she saw how thoughtful he suddenly was.

„Yes. This is past.", he repeated.

She still didn't believe him. That look in his eyes showed that there was so much more to this. Disgusted, she pulled back her hand. „I don't believe you."

Jack realized how she slid away, just a little bit - because there was nowhere else to go for her. If she hadn't been bound to the bed, by the cables that ran from her torso to the devices and the IV next to it, she would have stood up and ran away like the last two times they had had this conversation.  
„You gotta believe me.", he helplessly answered, knowing already that it wouldn't change anything.

Audrey shook her head. „There's more to this, Jack, I see it.", she sniffed, „I see tears well in your eyes whenever I say her name. We were together, last year - don't you remember?" Although her throat was so dry that it hurt her to speak up, she couldn't calm down „you left me. For her-"

„I didn't leave you _for her_.", Jack hissed back, interrupting her. He dashed forward and grabbed her by her upper arms. „Stop thinking that!", he hissed, looking into her eyes. „I love you, Audrey. I always did and I always will."

She lay there, looked into his eyes and although he had just told he loved her, she was frightened by the how he had done it.

Jack knew by himself that he had gone too far.  
At once, he let go of her and pulled back to his side.  
„There were so many things going on…", he began, „President Taylor brought me to the scratch. I could take the office and with that I'd get the power to defend myself or… leave it." Again, he got closer to her, but this time he wasn't intimidating her. „I was in no shape to say no.", he tonelessly spoke, „I was in no shape to run, let alone taking you with me."

„Why run?", Audrey asked him again. His face was just an inch away from hers. She could feel his breath on her skin.

„Anderson and Vice President Page still had a lot of influence.", he began, „You know how it works." He looked deeply into her eyes. „Page wasn't the first one I brought down. And we both know what Logan's people did after I had…" he didn't continue to talk, because he still feared to speak the words _China_ or _Cheng_ in Audrey's presence.

„So were you behind the Anderson bankruptcy?" She couldn't believe at what levels this game was playing by now.

He slightly nodded his head. „I had help. Taylor had all the contacts and.. and… and people to get things going."

Audrey couldn't believe it.

He knew what she was thinking.  
„I'm not up to this game, Audrey.", he murmured and looked away. „It's like I stumbled into it and sometimes… it's like I don't even know the rules of it."

She brought her hand to his cheek and forced his look back at her. „You were always in that game, Jack. There's no president since Palmer that you didn't personally know."

He weakly smiled at her. It was the first time - ever - that somebody did not see him as the rookie in the play.  
„Still… it doesn't change anything… I'm acting at levels… that I…"

„No, no no no no.", she interrupted him. „You were always in that game. Only your role changed."

As he looked into her eyes, he suddenly knew that he missed her more than ever before. She would have been the one to keep him from making mistakes - she would have been the one person at his side that would have helped him throughout the past year.  
She was simply perfect. Knew all the Washington D.C. rules. Knew all the people… she was smart, handsome, charming… and she had always been on his side, no matter what.  
 _I love you,_ he tonelessly said, again - hoping that it would be enough to tell her all that.

 _I love you, too_ , she finally whispered back and slid forward, to give him a little kiss onto his mouth.  
Just a little one.

Jack slid his whole body closer to her, putting his arm around her shoulders and holding her so tight that their bodies touched. With closed eyes he leant his forehead against hers again. „And about what you said before…", he began, „… I didn't leave you because of any other woman." He didn't even dare calling out Renee's name, for it could make her mad again.  
„This state was not ready for a Vice President having an affair with a married woman… let alone any of my actions against the Anderson's… if it…" He didn't even know where to begin - there were so many reasons why he couldn't have ever taken this job _and_ be with her.

„Why didn't you ever tell me that?", she urged. A great part of her was angry at him. For not telling her the truth and for staying away.  
She ran her hand through his hair again, finally grabbed him by it, harshly. „Why!"

Again, he didn't know how to put it in words. She made him cry. She forced him to face every decision of the past year again - every single one that he had regretted or if not regretted, had been sad about.  
„I only put you in danger, Audrey. It always was that way and it always will be.", he sobbed and clung to her as if it was the last time that he could do so. „It all wouldn't have come so far if I hadn't stolen you away from your husband. No need to take this office. No need to run…" he freed himself a little bit from her grab, until he could look into her eyes again, „No need to visit you _here_. After somebody tried to influence _me_ by almost killing _you_!"

Audrey, lay there, silently. She looked into his eyes and saw the tears roll down his face.

 _I lost Teri, exactly like this,_ she heard him say, _she died because of me. And she wasn't the only one._

„And that shall make it better?", she reproached him, angrily. „Not saying a word and leaving? Like you did it already, in the past?"

„Probably.", he stammered. „I don't know."

She shook her head, slowly and disapprovingly. She would have loved to slap his face right here and now.  
„Do you think I am a child?", she hissed, „Do you think I need you to stand up for me and patronize me?"

„I do not.", he hissed back. What he had done - for her - suddenly felt incredibly wrong. All he had wanted her to do was to understand that he'd left her for good. Maybe it was right the other way round.  
He turned away and rolled to lie on his back.  
Silently, he stared at the ceiling. He felt Audrey's view bore into his side. It was uncomfortable.

„You can't always act the hero, Jack. Especially when you're not up to it.", she said and also rolled onto her back.  
They both lay there, side by side, both staring at the ceiling.

Eventually, Jack cleared his throat. „I'm sorry.", he said - apologizing for something that he would have never thought that he'd need to apologize for.

They lay in silence for a few minutes.  
He felt her move slightly. Her upper arm briefly touched his because of the narrow bed. The fight was uncomfortable. But one thing hadn't changed: he still felt that she wanted him to be here. Not all was lost.

„Tell me what I should have done differently.", he finally asked.

Audrey didn't even need to think about the answer: „You could have told me what you were up to. Why you did this all. In the _beginning_."

 _Yes._ he sighed. He knew she was right. So why hadn't he?

Hesitatingly, he turned to his side again, facing Audrey. She turned her head, facing him, too.

„Where would it have led _us?_ ", he silently asked her.

She shrugged. „I don't know. Closer? Where else?"

„And what about you and Harry?" He really tried to think back why he hadn't called her at least one single time, a year ago. „Or me and Renee?"

„Don't lay the blame on me and Harry. You could have called."

„Stealing you away from another man?"

„You….", she began, hissing with anger-

„I was your affair - every time.", he cut her off, „Do you know how many times you left me for others, huh? Paul? Anderson?" He was angry, damn angry. „You wanna do some straight talking?", he asked her, in some mood between anger and crying, „Then answer me: was it really necessary to get together with Harry, only a week after we split up? Are you in such a sore need of it?"  
It was a low blow. One that he was sorry for, in the moment he had said it. But it was the only thing that really expressed how he felt.

She looked at him, with disbelieve. One second. Two. Three. Until she had finally made up her mind. „Get out.", she hissed, slammed her fist against his chest and yelled again, „Get out of here!"

He knew that he had gone too far.  
But somehow, he wasn't even sorry for it.

As he got up and off her bed, took his jacket from the chair, he suddenly felt freer than before although it didn't make him any happier.

Without looking back, he went over to the door. There was a little corridor between the place where her bed stood, the bathroom and the entrance.  
For some reason, he halted and switched on the little light next to the entrance door. The job had taught him to look after a few things that he would have never looked after in the past.  
There was a mirror next to the door and he had to realize that he looked worse for wear. His hair was disheveled, his eyes looked cried out.  
With slow moves, he put on his jacket and tried to get back his composure before he'd face the world outside this room.

He switched off the light again - as he heard her voice calling his name. _Jack?_

A part of him wanted to leave. He could open the door, pretending he hadn't heard her. No more insults, no more truths, no more fighting and tearing things out of the darkness that should have better stayed there.

„You still there?", she called for him again, silently. She knew he was still there. Nobody had opened the door up to now.

Hesitatingly, he went back, leaning against the corner of the bathroom wall. He didn't say a word and only looked at her.  
She had curled up, hiding her face between her arms.  
„I'm sorry.", she breathed between a few sobs.

Finally, he brought himself to go over to her again.  
Jack grabbed the chair, slid it to the head end of the bed and sat down, resting his elbows at his knees.  
„I'm sorry, too.", he spoke. He really was.

She finally looked up again, eventually her eyes found his. „We did so many awful things to each other.", she uttered.

„And so many good ones.", he added, leaning forward onto the bed. „They outweigh the others."

„One and half years ago, you gave up your freedom just to save my life.", she murmured, „I never really thanked you for it."

„Doesn't matter.", he answered and put on a little smile for her. Hesitatingly, he stretched out his hand to fill that space in between them- just half the way.  
He was glad through and through when she returned the gesture.

Her fingertips softly touched his. „Just tell me one thing, Jack.. and please don't get mad at me for asking…"

„What thing?"

She played with his fingers. „Last October… as we made our decision to run away… why didn't you just say _no_?"  
She looked into his eyes, deeply. „Why did you throw your life away, for no reason? I knew you were still… attached to Rene, somehow. You had your reprieve and were almost a free man until we decided to run…"

„Did we make a mistake, Audrey?", he asked her back.

She shrugged. „I don't know… But in the end, it felt like one."

He couldn't help smile at her answer. „It did, yes."

„You got shot in your back just because you tried to protect me…", somehow, she couldn't even believe why he was still sitting here. „And I could have changed it all. I would have only needed to end my marriage the _normal_ way. Not run away fro-"

„Hey!", Jack harshly interrupted her spoken thoughts. „That wouldn't have changed anything. I would have never let you go back to him after all you had told me about your marriage. You wouldn't have gotten out of there unharmed on the _normal_ way. Just look at what your father did- gave in to Anderson Senior even after he had known that his son had shot at you. They were so much more powerful…", he took a deep breath.

„How did you bring them down?", she asked him, still playing with his fingers. „Can't believe you managed to… bring them down and into jail."

He sighed and slid the chair a bit forward, to rest his head on the bed, too.

„Come here", Audrey quickly commanded and slid over to the far side of the bed again. Obediently, he climbed back onto the bed and lay down next to her again. Tired like he was, he was even thankful for it.

„Taylor was always… out for power. She had wanted to step down in the first place, but only for a re-election. But as soon as Petrovsky's attacks started, there was no time for a re-election any more. We can't be at war on the home front and question our leaders in the same time.", he knew he was going far afield but he wanted her to understand this all. „As Page was found guilty in that supreme court process, Taylor was damn angry at me. I think she could have settled for leaving Page in the office and keep everything what happened that day a secret, only not to lose the people's trust in her administration." He lay at his back, staring at the ceiling. The more he thought about it, the more he hated the position and the administration that he was in.  
After the sentence for Page, there was no back any more. I feel like she had two ways left: go for re-election and lose everything, her power and that fragile stability of our country or renew the administration in a way the people would accept it."

„People loved you.", Audrey murmured. „I still know what the press wrote about what you did the other day. They called you the ‚savior of New York'."

He silently nodded, took her hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing it softly. „Thanks.", he murmured, turned around to her „I know you were behind this. The one who gave all the secret details to the press."

She smiled at him. „You're welcome.", she answered, pulled his hand over to her and gave it a kiss, too. „Me and Harry did it. Tearing you into the public was the only way of keeping them from killing you. They wouldn't dare to kill the one who had saved two major cities. A national hero."

He was so tired that he could almost not keep his eyes open.  
It was so good to lie here, next to her, although it was the tiniest space one could have.  
„I still don't feel like one, Audrey. Dropping a nuclear bomb somewhere on our soil doesn't make me that."

„It doesn't matter.", she said, kissing his hand again. „Go on, tell me how you brought Anderson into jail and bankruptcy."

„Installing me instead of Page was obviously the only choice Taylor had left to save her own presidency.", he sighed. It was absolutely unlikely that anyone eavesdropped on them right now. But still, he slid closer to Audrey, to whisper into her ear in a way nobody would ever hear it, „I agreed with Taylor to do what she wanted, only if she would in turn help me destroy Anderson and Page in a way that they could never harm you or me again. In return, I agreed to promote any one of her political decisions, as if it were mine."

„She bought herself a Vice President.", Audrey commented. Somehow, it all made sense, no matter how perverted the situation was.

Jack tiredly nodded his head yes. "Do you know now why I never wanted to be here?", he said. "Why I had to face Suvarov, knowing that he was directly responsible for all these 'Petrovsky' attacs? Why I am doing all that shit that I could never live with?"  
He closed his eyes and lay there, feeling how she softly stroked over his cheek and kissed his forehead.

„What happens when Taylor dies?", Audrey silently asked him.

„I don't know.", he murmured, eyes closed. „I'm sure she has taken precautions that I'll still walk the line."

The way he said it, Audrey knew that it could mean nothing good. He was the outsider in this administration, one man that they had given power to and whom they wanted to control in return.  
There was nothing good to come.

She put her arms around him and held him. He was completely and utterly at the mercy of the ones who were the real power behind Taylor.  
„I'm not gonna leave you alone with this.", she whispered into his ear. He didn't answer.  
Softly, she rattled his shoulders. „Jack?"

He tiredly grunted and put his arm around her body, too. „Wake me up before dawn, will you?"

She placed another soft kiss on his head. „I will."


	23. Minefields of the mind

Minefields of the mind

.

.

.

.

It was well beyond midnight - again - as Jack finally dared to leave his own quarters, going over to the hospital ward to visit Audrey.  
He wanted to make sure that everyone else was asleep - especially Harry and Heller.  
The same secret service man was doing the night shift again. He already smiled and just nodded at Jack as he entered Audrey's room. Not a word. To no-one and of course not to Heller. He should really give that man a raise.

A small light was on in the room.

„Audrey?", Jack asked before he stepped closer, not to give her a start.

In anticipation she lowered the book she was reading and waited for him to come over.  
„Hi", she smiled.

„Hey.", he smiled back, leaning against the corner of the wall from the corridor to her room again. „You're not even asleep."

She shook her head and finally put the book aside. „I'm just lying here all day. How should I be tired?"

„Right…", he answered and took a chair with him, bringing it to the head end of the bed.

‚You look extremely tired.", she remarked, as he let himself fall down onto that chair.

„Could be."

„What are you doing up at that time?", she asked him, moving over to him.

By now, Jack realized how much more agile she was today. No more cables, no more IV.  
„Couldn't just leave out the best part of the day." He looked up to her, smiling.

She braced her arms against the mattress and looked down on him, also smiling. Harry had been here and her father as well, telling her about the latest results of the conference. „Really? I heard that it was a good day already.", she spoke and gave him a little kiss. She knew that he somehow wanted more and somehow not. If it was up to her, she would have torn him onto the bed right now, having her way with him. But she could understand it, why he didn't feel the same way. There were still so many things left unspoken and so many others to resolve. After the previous night, they both knew that there was an emotional minefield in between them, no matter how strong their attraction for each other still was.

„It was.", Jack murmured, grabbed her by her neck and pulled her head down to him again, as she already wanted to sit up. „It's getting better and better." Hesitatingly, but still, he kissed her. Goddamnit, he had had enough time to make up his mind. The past two hours, as he had sat in that extremely boring after-conference meeting, he had done nothing else but think about this exact moment. And yes, he had made up his mind. One kiss, or two... they couldn't be of any harm.

She let go of him, after a few moments, happily smiling. „It's the last night we'll spend like this.", she began, „they're gonna let me go tomorrow."

He was glad for her.  
But it was a shock for him, too.  
Again, he found him sitting here, staring at her - and asking himself the same question over and over again: what had he been thinking?  
The day before, things had gone their own way. He had only wanted to come here and make sure she'd be okay. Not even in his wildest dreams would he have thought that they'd end up talking, fighting and sleeping arm in arm to make up for it again.  
It had been the best night that he'd spent in over a year.

„Jack?", she asked. „Everything alright?" She saw that he had suddenly gotten lost in his thoughts.

„Yap.", he snapped back into reality. „I'm glad you're okay already. Sorry.", he stammered.  
At a loss he sat there.

„What's up with you?", Audrey was concerned. „Did I say something wrong?" She almost feared that she'd stepped on an invisible landmine again.

„No. no, no, nonono.", he reassured her, stood up from the chair and then sat down on the edge of her bed, stretching out his arms.

Willingly, she let him take her into his arms.  
She snuggled up to his chest while he held her tight and kissed her hair.  
„Your father will rip me into pieces if he ever finds out about this.", Jack murmured.

She shook her head. „Jack, we're not teenagers any more. I'm not even married any more. He'll have to accept it."

„Trust me, he won't.", he sighed as answer. How should he ever tell her about the things that Heller knew and would use against him - for sure? That he had become a junkie, doing heroin, after they had come back from China? That he could have fought harder, to get his life back in order and to come back to her? Maybe… if he _had_ changed his life for good…  
„I've done so many things that you wouldn't have approved…", Jack murmured.

Audrey looked up to his face. He had said that yesterday, already. „Don't you believe I haven't done things that I'm not proud of?"

He shook his head. „Whatever you did Audrey - you haven't done what _I_ made wrong in the past. I'm sure."

„You can tell me.", she began, „whenever you want." She knew that she couldn't force him to. There were only so many bad things that a couple could talk about, in one night. They had almost overstepped that mark the day before.  
She sat up and faced him, silently. Then she leant over to him and kissed him once more.

He gladly replied her kiss. He knew he couldn't resist her. He never could and he would never be able to, no matter into how much trouble he'd get by doing so.

„How long have you been at the negotiations?", she asked him, after they had parted again.

„I should take a shower, I know.", he answered and smelled at his jacket. It smelled smoky after sitting in that smoke-filled conference room all day.

„Yes you should," she answered with a smile, „but I didn't mean it like that." She kissed him again, just a short time. „All day?"

He tiredly nodded his head _yes_. „I should leave you alone now, Audrey… go to bed, take a shower, sleep in, for a change."

She grabbed his head, forcing him to look at her. „Stay here.", she tonelessly said. „There's nothing of this that you can't do here, too."

Why was she always right when she said something? Was there any excuse that he could make up to tell her that he _wanted_ to leave, without hurting her?

Audrey saw it in his eyes, that he wasn't comfortable with all this. Yet she pulled his tie open and took the both ends into her hands.

„Audrey…", he began, but he still had no idea what to tell her.

She sighed and pulled him closer by his tie, leaning her head against his. „I know what you wanna say."

„You do?", he asked her, his eyes closed.

„I do.", she spoke, „You don't wanna get closer, though it's the only thing you want. You don't wanna open up to get hurt again… or hurt me again… even though that's the only thing on your mind. Isn't it?"

She was right with every word. „What if I said yes?" He looked into her eyes, which were so close that he couldn't even see them clearly.

As an answer, she just pulled the tie from his neck.

„Aren't you afraid at all?", he asked her, intensely.

She just shook her head and wanted to get closer to him again-

He grabbed her upper arms, to have a look at her and partly to keep her at distance. „There are so many bad things out there that we have to talk about… one day. I've got the feeling you're gonna hate me… or want to leave me for any single one." He didn't know how else to tell her. He wanted to tell her the truth about Renee's death. The truth about all his drug problems, the ones in the past and the present, the decisions that he had made during the past year on behalf of Taylor just to do her dirty work,… there were so many things on that list.

He let go of her and got up, before his mind took him to the worst part of all: eventually he'd have to talk about their time in China.

Audrey watched him, concernedly. He stood with his back turned to her, staring at the opposite wall, deeply drowned in his thoughts. She saw his chest rise and fall with every other breath he made.  
Hesitatingly, she grabbed his hand. „Jack.", she said.

„Jack." She rattled at his arm, forcing him to turn around to her.

He needed a while until he turned around.  
She sat with her feet dangling from the edge of the bed. Slowly he came closer, until they faced each other, chest to chest. „I'm sorry.", he whispered.

„There's nothing to be sorry for.", she answered him, still concerned.

He bent down his head and let her take him into her arms. „I don't know if I can do this to you.", he said. „If I let these things happen now… you're gonna wake up one day and realize that there's-" _a monster on your side,_ he had wanted to continue, but she had placed a finger on his lips to keep him from talking.

„I _know_ that…", she answered, intensely looking into his eyes. „Don't you think I know that already?"

He kissed her finger that lay on his lips. „Why are you doing these things to yourself then?", he probed her, „huh? Why do you want us to repeat the same mistakes over and over again..."

She didn't have an answer.  
Wordlessly, she looked into his eyes.  
Of course he was right. He always thought things through. If he wouldn't, he'd not be alive any more today.  
But no matter what…  
„I love you.", she said. It was the only answer that she could think of.

„I love you, too.", he answered her, brushing a few blonde strands out of her face. „That's my reason not to do this to you."

Audrey had heard him.  
Still, she got up from the bed and placed her hands on his chest.  
„Whatever comes now…", she began, opening up the top button of his shirt, „don't be mad at me." She opened up another one and a third one before he answered.

He let her do it, felt how the tiredness fell of and gave way to excitement. „Are you really, really sure about this?", he asked her- the last means of defense.

As an answer she just opened up another one of the buttons of his shirt and then brushed the jacket off his shoulders.

Jack reached out for the holster and the gun that he wore inside the back of his belt. He put them away. That was one more thing that he'd eventually need to tell her.

His lips found hers, as she continued to undress him, pushing him backwards, through the door, into the bathroom. As he took his shoes off, she turned on the water, came back and switched on the little light above the bathroom mirror.

Jack approached her from behind, slinging both arms around her.  
They stood and looked both into the mirror.

Audrey watched his tattooed arms around her chest. He was naked, she still had that hospital gown on, but nothing underneath.

„It's been a while.", he silently remarked.  
Over a year. For a moment she wondered if he had slept with any other woman in the meantime.

She watched him place a tender kiss at her neck, one at her throat,… his hands slowly moved back to her neck and undid the bow that kept her gown together. She could feel his hard-on pressing against her butt as he slowly slid the gown off her body.  
Once more, their views briefly met in the mirror.  
But this time, she could see it that he doubts no longer ruled his mind. Some other force had taken over. The one that made her finally jump on him and carry her over into the shower.


	24. DC CD

**DC … CD**

.

.

.

.

Jack lay on his back, eyes closed.  
He was sweaty and exhausted.  
She softly touched his forehead, with only one finger, ran it down his nose, over his lips, where he kissed it softly and further down over his chin and throat.

 _I know where you're going…_ he silently murmured. He was too tired to defend so just let it happen that she ran her hand over his chest.

Audrey sighed and moved closer. „I know you're tired. I'm gonna let you sleep.", she answered and saw his relieved smile. „What's your day's schedule tomorrow?"

„Pre-conference meeting at 7:30", he began, while her fingers drew circles on his chest, „Conference stars at 9, to 12, lunch break till 2, they'll continue and I'll probably leave early around 5, there's a delegation from DC waiting to take care of some national stuff" - he sighed and opened up his eyes to look at her, „I don't even know yet when this will take an end. Where will you be tomorrow evening?"

She shrugged. „I don't know. Somewhere around here, I guess. I'll go home once dad goes back home. Unless somebody needs a senior DoD advisor here?"

They both laughed out loud.

„I see that coming.", he yawned and took her into his arms, tightly. Lying here in the dark was simply great. He had left the lights off - apart of the moments when the bandage around her right forearm had touched his skin, he had almost forgotten why they were here.  
He loved to be in the dark.  
Even though she had already seen every inch of his battered body, there was no need to drag that topic out into the light every other time. He loved her presence more than the presence of anyone else - but their past would always be a part of them.  
He placed a soft kiss on her head. The decision to stay the whole night was long since made.

„I'll just set the alarm for 6 o'clock, okay?", he asked her, seeing that she had already settled herself to fall asleep, resting her head on his shoulder.

 _of course,_ she answered and watched him grab his mobile phone. „Good night."

Beyond tired, he only wanted to set the alarm, as he saw the unread messages on his phone. 15 minutes old.

„Everything alright?", Audrey asked. She sensed that something was wrong.  
Hurriedly she sat up. „Jack?"  
He read the messages. The backlight of the display lighted up his face in the dark. „Jack?", she asked again, until he finally turned around to her.

Her view made her freeze. „What is it?" She was concerned through and through.

„Taylor..", he stammered, „just died."

—-

Frederick municipal airport  
Air Force II

„Where the hell have you been?", Harry greeted Jack, waiting by the lower end of the steps. The rest of the crew had already boarded the airplane, one of the engines was running. They had only been waiting for him to come.  
„It shouldn't take you half an hour to find out you're in charge of this contry!", Harry shouted through the loud noise of the helicopter taking off again, the one that had brought Jack here.

„It's in the middle of the night! Give me a few minutes", Jack angrily shouted back and pushed past Harry to climb up the stairs.  
Harry rushed after him. Thank god the helicopter was gone again. He headed Jack off before he reached the entrance. „I know exactly where you were.", he silently said, waiting how Jack would react.

He wasn't so sure what to think about this. Did Harry still have feelings for Audrey? Most likely, yes, Jack thought. They had broken up only a few days ago. The ménage à trois between them all had gone to the next level.

Harry came one step down, looking into Jack's eyes. „I made sure the Secret Service wouldn't search for you there.", he told him. „But I'm sure Heller found out by now. He'll rip you into pieces."

The way he had said it, Jack knew that he owed Harry.  
„And you?", he finally asked him, _do you want to rip me into pieces for seeing her?_

Harry said nothing. After a few moments of thinking, he just shook his head and continued his way up the stairs.  
Jack finally followed him. But the atmosphere was heated.

—

Camp David,  
Audrey's room

As Jack had left, twenty minutes ago, Audrey had gotten up too and got herself dressed. She was glad that she had done that, because only ten minutes after he had been gone, there had been a knock on her door.

Her father stood at the foot end of her bed.  
They both silently looked at each other, feeling that the first to speak would lose the match.

„Are we going to continue lying to each other?", he finally asked, harsh as ever.

She pulled the blanket over her body. His view made freeze and the light that he had switched on blinded her. „Lying?", she asked back.

He nodded his head. „I have my eyes everywhere, Audrey. Don't think I wouldn't know about it."

„Since when…"

„Let's not play that game.", he answered and came over to her, sitting down on the chair that Jack had brought to the bedside.

„Dad, we're not teenagers any more. We're way past that.", she told him.

„I know.", he answered, lowering his head. „That makes it even harder."

She glanced at him, how he sat there. He lowered his head, staring at the side of the bed. „You haven't seen what I've seen.", he began, „You don't even know what this guy does."

Audrey wanted to reply something, but didn't know what. Her father was still an intimidating person to her. He had been, when she was young, and he had been and still was - as her boss.  
For a moment she wondered, if the things that he referred to were the ones that Jack had mentioned the day before - he had said that he'd done _unspeakable things, that she'd never approve._ Probably they even were the same.  
She _wanted_ to know them.  
„Tell me.", she hesitatingly said.

He sighed, deeply.  
„Audrey…", he started, looking up to her, „I see it coming. In the end I'm the bad guy again, like always."

„Dad…", she cut in,

He shook his head, „no, Audrey. I don't wanna be the bad g…"

„Dad, you're not.", she said, although they both knew she was lying now. Of course, he had been the bad guy, the one that had held his hand over her so tightly that she'd opted to run.  
She couldn't stand to see him like that. He had always…. „You were always there for me.", she silently added. It was the truth.

It was a fragile peace between them for a moment.  
He wondered how much he could stress it… to try it was the only option.  
„Audrey, I don't want you to be near him.", he silently said, hoping that she'd not freak out.

She pulled the blanket up to her shoulders and slipped over to the edge of the mattress, closer to him. „Why?", she tonelessly asked him, hoping that he wouldn't smell Jack's scent, like she did, when she snuggled into the blankets. „Dad… you can't just say yes and no. Make me understand it!", she helplessly pleaded him. „It was _you_ who brought him back into my life last September."

Heller sadly nodded his head. „I know."  
It had been such a great mistake. Then again… she wouldn't even be alive if Jack hadn't gotten her out of these civil war areas around the Bakersfield detonation.  
„Back there… he was the only choice to get you out of there alive."

„Ain't you glad for this? Can't you even show a little bit of…"

„of what?", he interrupted her. „Gratitude? Respect?" He knew it was that what he meant. „I do that, Audrey. I would have even opted for a permanent reprieve for him - just because of what he did for you. Giving him back his whole freedom even though all these things that he'd done. Do you even know what he did?"

„You mean the Russian delegation? … He _told me,_ dad.", she angrily replied. This was revolving around the same topics over and over again. „Is it that all that this is about?"

It was time to take this to the next level. „No.", he answered, distinctly. „That's only the tip the iceberg."  
He stood up and started to walk around in the room. „Do you wanna know why he really left you, six years ago? I'm sure he told you _I_ was the one who forced him to leave."

Audrey replied nothing. A cold shiver ran down her back.

„He came back and obviously tried to kill his memories with drugs again. He always was kinda fond of that stuff."

„That's not reprehensible.", Audrey fired back at him. She had the feeling that she needed to defend Jack, because obviously, no-one else would.

„IT IS reprehensible!", Heller's voice got loud, „It BECAME reprehensible" he shouted „the moment he tried to take you away, though the state he was in!" He knew that it wasn't enough to convince her, so he continued. „Did you know his drug test came back positive when came into office?"

She shook her head. „That can't be." She knew Jack. She knew him so well, she knew that she could tell… „There's gotta be an explanation for it!"

„Of course… there always is…" Heller pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and threw it at the bed.  
Hesitatingly, Audrey took it. It was the official report about it.

„He talked his way out, stating it were painkillers that he had prescription for."

„Then they were.", she replied and put the sheet of paper away. She didn't want to read this. „You know in what condition he was when he came into office. That's plausible."

„Really?" Heller disapprovingly shook his head. „Come on, Audrey, for once, use your brain - use your eyes!", he didn't know what else to tell her. „You were such a smart girl… how can only act so stupid."

His words hurt her, deeply.  
She sat in bed and hugged her knees.

Intensely, Heller eyed her from the far end of the room. „You're my child, Audrey", he silently spoke, „I love you and I want you to have a good life."

She was overwhelmed by everything that he had said.  
One part of her didn't want to disappoint him. He was her father. Of course she loved him and adored him, no matter what.  
She sat there, asking herself if she could live with the fact Jack was an addict.  
 _I've done so many things you'd never approve_ \- his words were there and suddenly got a thoroughly new meaning.

A big part of her still didn't believe this all to be true.

„Havering disappeared.", Heller murmured, while he went over to the windows and looked out. „You and I know what that means."

Of course she knew what had happened to Havering. Jack had told her. She said nothing.

„A lot of things like that happened, Audrey. Some day, this will backfire and you'll find yourself involved with what that man really is: a mass murderer. A wolf in sheep's clothing." He always pulled new aces out his sleeve and threw them at her. She needed to realize it, even if it would pierce her marrow and bone for now.

„Leave me alone, dad.", she said, burying her head in her hands for a moment. No, she'd not cry. Not as long as he was still here.  
„Leave me alone", she repeated.

He respected her wish.  
Slowly, he went back over to the door. At the corner he stopped for a moment, looking at her. He wondered if he should say anything else to her. She sat there, at the verge of crying. Enough. No more.  
„You'll do the right thing, honey, I know.", he said, more to himself than to her and then left.

Audrey heard the door snap shut.  
She was back here alone. Where there were butterflies in her stomach, just an hour ago, it felt like a giant stone.

—

The airforce two touched down smoothly in D.C.. Soon after, the usual rush started. Greetings, formalities, the convoy that brought him away was this time not directed towards the place where he lived but brought him directly to the White House.

He looked at his wristwatch as he boarded the limo. Six thirty. The flight had taken three and a half hours and although he had wanted to, he had been lying at the bed, not able to get a wink of sleep.  
He had tried to call Audrey, countless times. She had her phone with her - she had texted during the day.  
Once more, he called her number, but only got through to the voice mail after letting it ring. „Hey… it's me, I need to talk to you.", he told her.  
In that very second, Harry got into the car, too.  
 _Bye_ , Jack hurriedly said and hung up.

„The chief justice is already waiting.", Harry announced.

„Good.", Jack answered and avoided looking at him. They hadn't got much to say to each other.

„Who was on the line?", Harry asked.

There was no sense in lying. „Voicemail. I tried to call Audrey.", Jack admitted.

Harry just nodded silently and looked away, too.  
The car drove off.

On the horizon, Jack could already see the white house.  
Instead of looking forward to it, it looked at him like a sword of damocles.  
He knew, that everyone would try to force him out of office, once he'd leave Tylor's line.  
He wasn't sure if Harry was still on his side.  
Heller… had never been.  
The people behind Havering were out there, too.

He wanted to scream NO. Loud and clearly. He would have so much wanted to tell the driver to stop, leave him out and run away from this circus.

What would Audrey think of him then?  
Probably not less than already. God only knew what her father had told her.

Tiredly he closed his eyes.  
He longed for something that would lessen reality.

.

.

.

* * *

 _again,  
i had already written a few chapters (the ending) - and now the story is going a completely different way...  
gotta throw the old ending away. Everything is open again.  
How do you want this to continue?  
amacma_


	25. Run this State

**Run this State**

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He had retreated to one of the guest rooms in the white house. Allyson Taylor's family or what was left of it still lived here - it was way to early of even thinking about moving here - and he was desperately in need for some place to freshen up and get himself ready for the press conference that was about to begin soon.

Back from the shower, he opened up the bag with his few personal belongings and the one with the fresh suit.  
Everything down here was a hurry. His whole life was a hurry lately.

The ceremony had started at 7 a.m. with the formal oath on the bible. Thereafter some photos were taken. Meeting with the joint chiefs. The white house staff. Now, two hours later, the first press conference to the people of the state.

And still no call from Audrey.

Buttoning up his fresh shirt he went back into the bathroom where he had left his mobile phone. He checked it again. Still nothing. Should he call her for a twelfth time? Was he really that desperate? _Well_ , he sighed, and told himself that calling her eleven or twelve times wouldn't make a real difference.

He yawned as he sat down on the edge of the bathtub and looked at himself in the mirror on the opposite wall. President of the United States.  
The mightiest man in the world.

If ever anyone would use these words in his presence again, he'd laugh at the one. Loudly.  
He had never felt as un-free and so small as now. There were a hundred parties out there who all demanded something of him - yet he had nothing to give them in return, nothing to trade with. Taylor had meticulously planned this all, not to give him too much influence and too much power. Who would have ever known that this would backfire so much? That on top of ‚her' administration there was now a guy who couldn't hold it all together? The king to a country where twenty others claimed the crown for themselves, having the whole majority behind them?

Out on the bed lay the sheet of paper with the speech that he should perform at the press conference. Harry had organized everything.  
Yawning again, Jack stood up to get the paper to read it through at least one time before that press conference. The speech read good.  
He was glad that Harry was still doing his job well. He was the born politician - to some extent, that frightened him, that there was such a good politician in his innermost circle. What if Harry turned against him? He had already once worked against him, upon Taylor's instructions, when he had tried to force him into the agreement with Suvarov. Only Audrey's intervention had saved him from it.  
Audrey. There she was back in his mind. It had taken her only a few minutes to come back and grab every one of his thoughts.

He grabbed his phone again, to call her.  
 _Pick up,_ he pleaded. He knew that there was something going on behind his back. Heller wouldn't just give up and leave her to him. In the meantime he had discredited him in any possible way, Jack was sure.

The good and happy moments, which were only hours in the past suddenly felt like they were years away.

 _Pick up the phone,_ he murmured and lay down on his back. _I need to talk to you._

 _—_

Audrey packed her few belongings. The doctor had been here for a last time, changing the dressing around her forearm and had given her a prescription. That was it. Out of here. Back to work.  
Back to DoD protocols. Back to work for her father.

Her mobile phone lay on top of the little heap of her personal things.  
As it rang for the umpteenth time she didn't even need to look who it was. It could only be one.

She tried to keep packing, tried not to look.  
But she couldn't _not_ look.  
Unwillingly, she stopped and read the display. _Jack calling._ Again.  
She already reached out… but in the last moment she pulled her hand back. What should she tell him? Accuse him over the phone of what her father had told her? It all had been so unbelievable, but the longer she thought of it, the more her father's story was thoroughly plausible.

The TV was on. There was no other topic on the news than Taylor's death and the change of the head of state.  
She watched the photos they showed… Inauguration. Portrait. Obituaries for Taylor.  
Jack looked good, she found. She tried to picture him as an addict, as she watched the scenes of his inauguration. Tried to picture him on a high, while he shook hands with the chief justice.  
There was suddenly a complete emptiness inside her that put a question mark over everything that she'd thought would be true. He had told her before, that he wasn't up to this job. Had it been a nice way of trying to tell her the ugly truth behind it?

—

 _Please… pick up,_ Jack pleaded as he lay there, _I need to talk to you…_

„You have reached the voicemail of-" the automatic voice answered him. He waited to leave a message. „Audrey, call me back, please. I _need_ to talk to you." he waited a few seconds more, thinking if he should add anything. What? That he loved her? No need to tell that again, she had to know that. That he needed her? Goddamnit, he really needed her. It was a realization that struck him a blow.

Two weeks ago, he had known his position in life: stay away. keep distance. give everything to keep her safe. by all means.  
Now, everything was turned upside down.  
No, she wasn't safe. All his efforts to keep her out of this had failed. And she was suddenly right in his life, had taken a big part of it and all of his heart again.  
He could't go without her. Not again.

He ended the call and called her once more.

 _Damnit, pick up the phone,_ he thought.  
Wearily he lay there, with closed eyes.  
He hadn't had a cigarette in days.

He hadn't had a glass of whiskey in days.  
He hadn't even had anything else, ever since she was back in his life.

It rang for a last time.  
Suddenly he knew, that he couldn't go without both - he needed _something_ to keep him sane throughout the day. If it wouldn't be her voice, then there was only other thing to solve his problems.

Finally, he threw the phone onto the bed and got up, taking his bag with him, into the bathroom.

—-

„Give me your phone", Harry said to him, as he found Jack look at it for the hundredth time, on the way to the press conference. „You can't go in there with your phone ringing."

Reluctantly, Jack gave it to him, but not without shutting it off first. It would be a mere catastrophe if Audrey called him back and there was Harry on the line.

He felt relaxed. It was great to be back in the saddle. Nothing could go wrong.  
Audrey? ... Who?

His thoughts jumped from one thing to the other, but what had been a problem half an hour ago wasn't any more.  
With anticipation he walked towards the doors, where the Secret Service agents and behind them a frenzy of camera flashes were waiting.

If he hadn't been so high he would have probably realized that he was running straight into a life he had never wanted.


	26. The State of Mind

**The state of mind**

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.

.

.

The whole day had felt like floating. Never tired, never in a bad mood. There had been no awful questions of the journalists… or had there? Didn't matter.  
Jack leant back into the upholstery of the limo and allowed himself a moment of rest.  
He'd never had such an awful load of cocaine ever before, like the one that he had taken today morning.  
It was a wonder that he didn't even feel bad about it. Was he still on a high, twelve hours later? Could be… but highly unlikely. Like every other time that he had done this, he had noticed it on the way back, on the plane, that the effects of the drug were wearing off again. It was always the moment when the tiredness came back and the problems seeped back into his mind again. That time, he hadn't even looked if Audrey had called back and had gone straight off to take another dose. Not as high as the one before- just enough to erase the upcoming tiredness and push reality away once more.  
That had been two hours ago.  
He felt the effects wearing off again.  
Camp David was just around the corner.  
The negotiations. The Chinese. Heller. Audrey. In the end, reality was still there, no matter how hard he had tried to forget it all day, just so he'd be able to do what the people and the party had wanted him to do in D.C.  
He still couldn't really realize that he was the president now.

As the limo stopped at the front entrance, a delegation of Secret Service agents awaited him- even more than before.  
All of them saluted, as he got out.  
Ms. Montgomery, who had led the conference in his absence, greeted him and beckoned him over. „Mr. President."

He wondered how long it would take until he'd get used to this.  
Or if the feeling that this job was too big for him would ever get away.  
Should he pray for a clean shot? A bullet like the one that had solved all of Kennedy's problems?

„We had good progress today. Within the next hours, the bilateral agreement will be compiled by the editors and you'll receive a final draft today evening."

„How long will Congress need to sign it?", Jack asked her, as they all pushed their way through the many people who were greeting their new head of state.

„They'll need tomorrow, the legal check will happen overnight. The day after… it's ready for an official signature."

He had been told that he should keep a short speech in front of the ones who were here at Camp David, mainly the conference delegation and the few international guests that were still here.

„Settle the official ceremony for the day after tomorrow", Jack told her, „coordinate with the Chinese, maybe to a time where they can also air it on national broadc…" in the middle of the sentence he stalled.  
There was Audrey.  
She stood next to her father and the DoD delegation for this conference, in a row with all the people who were here to greet him.

Walking by, he almost couldn't take his eyes off her… and Heller. The old bastard grinned like he was sure that he had won.

The crowd kept pushing forward. He couldn't stop, couldn't talk to her or hit Heller into the face although he wanted so badly.

And there it was back: the need to kill reality.

The crowd kept moving, mercilessly.  
Ms. Montgomery kept talking about something that he didn't really listen to.

Instead of screaming a loud _no_ , he finally went up to the rostrum and looked down into the large hall. This should have been the cocktail party as a ceremony for the successful negotiations. Instead, it had turned into a memorial ceremony for Allyson Taylor.

Everyone wore black.

Eventually, he found Audrey in the crowd. She had a long black dress on, with long sleeves that covered the bandage around her right forearm.  
For a moment their views met. What was it that she was trying to tell him? He couldn't say for sure.

Audrey was shocked by the emotionlessness in his view. Yet it captivated her. He stood up there, everyone expected him to start a speech and he had still not said a word.

 _Today, we wanted be here to celebrate the beginning… of a new era, of new trade relationships and a new ally that we found in each other,_ he finally began, _instead we mourn a person's death who I know would have given everything to reach what we reached over the course of the past days._

He grabbed the glass of champagne that stood at the lectern- everything had already been prepared according to the protocol for their planned celebration, not a memorial ceremony.  
 _This is to Allyson Taylor,_ although he knew he should say something nice about her, he found no words. That he'd admire her or wanted to follow her example, like anyone else would say? No. She had been a reckless DC politician, like everyone else around here. He looked around and saw only people that were like her. Politicians. The members of the system that he had learned to hate so much.

 _… may she look down on us from heaven and delight in what was achieved here. I know personally that it was her dearest wish to achieve a lasting peace in these negotiations and I know that she did very much to make it happen._

Was there something else to say?  
 _To Allyson Taylor._

He raised his glass and everybody else did.  
After a sip of their drinks and the obligatory minute of silence, the cocktail party atmosphere in this room was finally at the freezing level.

Although he knew that he should stay here and mingle with the crowd, he just stepped down from the lectern, shook hands with the Chinese prime minister before leaving. The atmosphere had just started to recover from the minute of silence.

Audrey saw him shake hands with Xin Yapeng. Thereafter he finished his champagne in one big gulp and headed for the exit at the side of the stage.  
„Excuse me", she told the DoD associate who had wanted to smalltalk with her and rushed across the room, elbowing her way through the crowd.

The secret service agents at the door looked intimidating. But they didn't stop her.

She hurried down the corridor and hoped to find Jack somewhere. He could have disappeared through any one of these doors.  
Worried that she'd not find him, she headed on though this part of the building where she had never been before.

 _Hey._

Her voice gave her a real start.  
She turned around and found him leaning behind a recess of the wall to one of the windows that he had just opened up to smoke a cigarette.

Wordlessly she went over to him, but stopped a few feet away. He didn't look happy as he put the pack of cigarettes back into his pocket.

 _I tried to call you,_ she heard him say.

As she didn't answer, he pushed himself away from the wall and came over to her.

Audrey looked up to his face. His nearness was intimidating, far from pleasant. „I wanted to talk to you in person.", she answered. But she didn't know where to start because she just didn't have the heart to ask him whether he had a drug problem or not. The chances that he'd admit it, if he had one, were even worse.

Jack decided not to make it too easy. He had tried to call her all day, she hadn't picked up the phone once. There were no words that could express how much it hurt him that she had let him down just because of something that Heller had told her.  
„About what?", he asked.  
He watched her, how she helplessly searched for words to say. But in the end, he couldn't stand to see her like this.  
Slowly, he leant forward, whispering into her ear „I know what your dad told you about me"

Surprised, she looked at him. „How..?", she stammered.

„He threatened me to tell you that, a few days ago as I wanted to visit you. … You know what?" He took the cigarette that he hadn't yet lighted and threw it away. „I still did."

So he even knew already what this was about. But that still didn't make it easier to have a conversation about it.  
Hesitatingly, Audrey brought her hand up to his chest, grabbing him by the lapel of his jacket. „Jack…", she sadly began-

„One call." Intensely, he looked into her eyes. „One goddamn callback was all I hoped for." He had still not decided if he was angry at her or should feel sorry for what he had done by letting it come so far. Last night, she had taken his heart. It felt like she had thrown it away mercilessly.

„What for, Jack?", she shook her head- „To reassure yourself that everything was still alright between us and I'd let you continue with whatever you're doing? That's not something you can sort out over the telephone."

 _Sure._ He looked away.

She followed his view. He was staring out into the far.  
There was so much to talk about, but no words to say.

Finally, he went back again to close the window.

„Are you high right now?", she asked him.

He felt the anger boil inside him to a level where he could hardly control it any more. „Do I look that way to you?", he hissed back as he turned around. „Do I?" Angrily he slammed his fist against the wall behind him.

„Goddamnit, why can't you just say it?", she shouted back at him.

„Say what?", he roared. It had become a full-scale fight within seconds.

„That you wanna end this! Like anyone would!", she desperately cried at him, „I listened to all your messages on my voicemail, Jack- and in _none_ of them you even made the impression that you're at least sorry for this!"

„You want me to be sorry?" He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

She slightly nodded _yes._ „Just like anybody would be. At least anyone who wants to quit."

Without any words they stood there, looking at each other.

Audrey felt her heart pounding. A million volts of tension were in the air.

He took a deep breath. „If I was sorry for everything I did in my life Audrey… I'd turn my gun at me in that very second.", he answered, silently this time.

„Why do we only fight any more, Jack?", she hesitatingly murmured. „It used to be so different once."

He nodded his assent.  
Still, no-one of them closed the distance between them.  
She stood at her side of the recess, he stood at his.

„I'm not sorry for this, Audrey…", he began once more. „If there's one thing that I'm not sorry for, then it's this one." He knew exactly that this wasn't the answer she was waiting for.  
Drowned in thoughts, he pushed himself away from the wall he was leaning against and went the few steps over to her, past her until he stood behind her. „You always had your family, Audrey. You always had an anchor, friends, a place to come home to. You don't even know how it is to be on your own.", he murmured. „I had hoped you would be mine."

She turned around to him „then tell me how it is. Tell me! Or am I the bad one in this game now?"

He shook his head. „You're not."

He wanted to go away, but Audrey grabbed his arm and held him back. „tell me", she implored him.

He didn't even know where to start. Finally, he ripped him free to go away.

—

 _One hour later_

It had been the first glass of whiskey in almost three days- ever since he had had the wish to get back together with Audrey.  
By now - the fourth glass - not only the wish to get her back was gone, also the memory of how hard it was to live this life and to do this job sober.

He lit himself a cigarette as he went to get tonights post, that the secret service had brought to his quarters, like every evening.  
An envelope and beneath it, a pile of paper, one inch thick. The final conference agreement, ready for a legal check. Jack took it with him, to the bedroom and threw it onto the bed. After he had made sure that there was not only a glass of Whiskey but also the bottle and a pack of cigarettes on the bedside table, he undressed and got into bed.  
Officially, he had to read the treaty before signing it. At least the most important parts of it.

He was halfway through as his phone rang.

Ten o clock in the evening.

Audrey.

Hesitatingly, he took it into his hands, asking himself if he should give her the same silent treatment that she'd given him.  
But he didn't have the heart to do that.

„Audrey.", he spoke as he took the call.

She hesitated for a moment. „Jack.", she said.

He heard it in her voice that she had cried. „hey…", he softly said, „are you okay?"

She sniffed a _yes,_ but he knew that it wasn't the truth.  
„Wanna come over?"

„Yes.", she sobbed, relieved.

He could hear her smile and somehow, it made him happy. „Come over. The door is open."


	27. Requiem for a coming nightmare

**Requiem for a coming nightmare**

.

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.

.

Sitting there and just watching her sleep was something that he could do forever.  
He had been sitting here like this for an hour already, at that chair in his sleeping room, that stood by the window and where he had always sat, smoking.  
Of course he felt the wish for a cigarette.

Of course he felt the wish to kill the tiredness, how he had used to.  
Of course he had a headache and an immense hangover because of the day before. It was the everlasting circle where just that much to kill the hangover of the day before would unwillingly lead to more and even more.

But he wanted to get rid of these things. They had been painkillers. Killers of the lonely evenings, or simply the things to help endure a day in-between rats.

As Audrey had come here, the evening before, they hadn't talked very much. She had entered the room and he had simply taken her into his arms. Everyone had been afraid to talk. They could only say things that would lead to a fight again.

Watching her sleep, he remembered once more, how much he loved to be with her. Even without words, they could tell each other so much.

She knew when to say nothing.  
She knew, when words could only make things worse. Somehow, they both knew that.

A look at his wristwatch confirmed that it was time to go over to the office.

He leant over and softly touched her shoulder to wake her up.  
 _Hey, sleepyhead._

She opened her eyes, to smile back at him. „How long have you been sitting here watching me?", she tiredly asked him.

He decided not to tell her the truth- an hour?  
„Some time…", he lied and got off the chair to lean over the bed to give her a kiss. „Stay here if you want. I've gotta go, they're expecting me for a meeting."

„I should go to work, too. Dad's expecting me for sure.", she answered, but stayed lying in bed.  
He looked handsome, wearing such a good suit, red tie… as she seized him up, she smiled at the fact that he still wore his wristwatch the other way round. There was something of his old self left, and that was good.

He didn't know that she had woken up already when he had gotten up from bed. Pretending to be asleep, she had watched him all morning, too, especially when he had been in here to get dressed.  
One couldn't see any more that he wore a bulletproof vest underneath his shirt. It frightened her somehow that such things were necessary- and showed how much danger there still was, out there.  
One couldn't see any more the scars that he carried around on his body, his whole life long. He'd had them for years, but she knew that he still wasn't used to them and he still hadn't learned to live with this part of his past. As he had come out of the shower, he had come straight into here, getting dressed- even before he had taken a first look at himself in the mirror.  
One couldn't see any more the new tattoo that covered half of his back, especially the spot where he had been shot by her ex-husband, a year ago.  
There were so many things that he hadn't yet come to term with.  
She only slowly began to realize the real extent of it all. The more she did, the more she could actually understand him.  
It wasn't so hard any more to picture him on heroin, years ago, as he had probably desperately searched for a way to kill the memories that still haunted him, every time he looked into the mirror.

Another kiss.  
One more.  
A longer one.

She grabbed him by his tie and tore him back down to her.

The didn't need to tell each other they were in love. One view was enough to say everything, especially after the past night.

 _I gotta go…_ he murmured, between a few of her kisses.

„Yeah, me too", she smiled back at him, „before anyone realizes where I spent the night."

Resting his weight at his arms, he leant over her.

Audrey brought her hands to his chest- now she could feel the bulletproof vest that he wore underneath his shirt.

„Will you get problems?", he hesitatingly asked. He wasn't sure if this question would lead them right back into their fight.

She shook her head. „No." She knew what his real question behind this had been. „And you won't get any problems neither. Dad won't dare make it public…" _that the President has a drug problem to sort out_ was, what she didn't add.

„You sure?"

She nodded her head yes. „I am."

He was glad that she was so sure about this. After all, she was the only one on earth who knew Heller really well and who could take a measure of him.  
„Listen Audrey…", he began, „about what I said before…" he looked into her eyes- „I _do_ wanna quit." It felt like the hardest words to say.

She placed her finger on his lips. „I won't force you to, Jack.", she answered. No matter how much she wanted him to be ‚normal' or at least like any other man - she had to realize that given his past, he'd never be like anyone else.  
It had taken years until she had come to terms with her past. He was not so far yet.

He refrained from saying something like _I want to do this for you_ or _you're the reason._ That was a kind of pressure that he didn't want to lay on their still fragile relationship.  
To some extent it frightened him that he had opened up so much towards her. What if she'd let him fall again? What if it didn't work out? He knew already, that he'd fall much deeper into addiction than to any time before in this case.

„What are you thinking about?", she silently asked him. He looked thoughtful.

 _Nothing important,_ he murmured and gave her another kiss. Once more, he told her he loved her and finally left for his meeting.

—

He had already expected Harry in his office, probably awaiting him with bad news like all of these days - but seeing Heller there, too, made the day even worse.

Expecting a reproach for being with Audrey, Jack closed the door behind him and went over to them. Nobody said a word.  
They both sat at the two chairs in front of his desk. Obviously they waited for him to sit down before they'd break the news to him.

He tried to read their faces as he finally sat down. Heller was strangely silent. Harry looked shocked.

Right as he wanted to say something, Harry took out his laptop and slid it over to Jack. „We received an anonymous message today morning. You should have a look at this."

Jack grabbed the computer. „We get tons of them each day. What does this one want?"

„That you don't sign the treaty with the Chinese. Somebody obviously wants us to be attacked by the Russians, in case the treaty fails."

„And why should we take _exactly this one_ seriously?"

„Just look at that.", Harry urged, his voice was shaking. „You'll see."

Reluctantly, Jack opened up the laptop to look at it.  
Upon seeing the first picture he froze.

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.

 _enjoy, amacma_


	28. Opening titles

**Opening titles**

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.

.

„Who else saw this?" After only a few seconds of watching, Jack smashed the notebook closed.  
„Is it on there?", he asked, pointing at the USB drive in it's side. „Who else saw it?" Heller's and Harry's views had felt strange ever since he had come into the room. Now he knew why.

Harry nodded. „Yes. Nobody else saw it. I opened up the message a few minutes ago."

Jack grabbed the notebook with both his hands.

Harry saw the knuckles of his finger turn white because of that firm grab.

Jack didn't even dare take a look at Heller. What would the old man think right now?  
As he sat there, his mind racing, a part of him expected Heller to stand up, take out a gun and shoot him right into the head. He deserved it- he'd not even blame the old man for it. Even the gun that stuck in the almost invisible holster that he carried between his back and his belt was useless.

Jack dared to glimpse at Heller.  
No sign of aggression. The old man sat there and looked more calm and quiet than he would have expected.

„Leave me alone, please.", he stammered.

Heller and Harry exchanged worried glances. But finally, the two of them stood up and left.

At the door, Harry turned around once more. He wanted to say something to Jack- his friend still sat at the table, staring at the notebook, having clasped it tightly. He looked so thunderstruck and shocked that Harry desperately wanted to say something to cheer him up, something like _this isn't going to get public,_ or that he'd handle this - but thinking about a sentence to say, Harry had to admit that any one of these decisions was far out of his hands.

„Who's the source?", Jack silently asked him as he saw him still standing in the door.

„Anonymous.", Harry answered. „I'll get military intelligence to find him."

Jack shook his head. „No. Don't leak this to anyone on the outside." He took a deep breath „call Chloe O'Brian."

„Alright." Harry murmured as he finally closed the door behind him.  
Heller already awaited him on the outside.

„How long do you wanna give him?", the Secretary asked. „Whatever he's doing in there, it won't be good."

„Shouldn't he at least get the chance to see it, once, himself?", again, Harry felt like stepping in to the breach for Jack.

Heller slightly shook his head no. „Trust me, watching this won't do any good. To no-one." He had seen it and he felt like being the right person to judge this. „You'll see in half an hour."

.

—

.

 _One hour later_

„Is he still in there?", Heller asked as he came back into the presidential offices. He found Harry sitting at a desk near the door to Jack's office. The shutters were closed. As he approached, he made sure that Audrey and the rest of his team hadn't followed him to Jack's office.

Harry stood up and joined the Secretary. The old man was right. Jack had had enough time to make up his mind about the situation.  
They knocked at the door. No answer.

Cautiously, Harry opened the door after a few moments, only to find the office empty. The both rushed inside and shut the door behind them.

 _Damnit!,_ the secretary of defense swore aloud. „Where the hell is he!?"

„I don't know." Harry grabbed his mobile phone and called Jack. „He doesn't answer."

Heller sat down on the couch with a loud groan. „We should have never even told him about this."

„And what should we do when they'd realize their threats?", Harry answered, shocked. „When they'd publish this?"

„He would have already signed the agreement with the Chinese then.", Heller spoke and stood up again. It was the only thing that counted for him. Preventing a war.  
„Find him.", he told Harry. „We have to get him to sign this agreement, by what means ever."

.

.

.

 _to be continued shortly_


	29. Resignation

Resignation

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.

.

Heller was just leaving the office as Harry went over to the table to take his notebook that he'd left here before. The USB drive with the video was gone - of course, with Jack. Somehow, he could understand him, that he probably wanted to see no-one and be alone to plan his further steps.

One of the assistants knocked at the door and then peeked inside. „Mr. Tusker?"

„Yes?", he looked up, still drowned in thoughts about where Jack was.

„Do you have any further instructions for the press conference?", she asked.

„What press conference?", he murmured, still searching through the papers on Jack's desk to find some clue where he had gone.

„The president just called it on, twenty minutes ago..? The one for eleven o clock, today?", the assistant surprisedly replied, and looked at her wristwatch. Two hours left to organize everything.  
The Chief of Staff just stared at her with disbelief.

* * *

As he heard the steps from behind, he became nervous - it could be someone of the secret service, or even worse… although he had taken so much care, not to be seen by anyone, as he had left the main building.

They were looking for him, for sure.  
Finally, he got a glimpse of the person who was coming. Thank god.

Shyly smiling, she stepped down from the trail through the little forrest, onto the deck. „Hey."

Relaxed, Jack let go of the handle of the gun inside his shoulder holster. _Hi,_ he silently greeted her back, watching her come over to him, with her absolutely overdressed outfit for the surroundings. Almost instantly, he felt guilty for having asked her to come here.

„They're looking for you.", she murmured, as she sat down next to him, on the edge of the deck. Within the past week, the little lake in front of them seemed to have changed. It had turned from a late summer landscape into autumn.

„Who are _they_?"

„Almost everyone. Harry already called me… and dad did, too. I bet he thought that I'd be with you."

„How wrong he was…", Jack smiled as he turned around to look at her. She was so gorgeous. And there, whenever he'd need her. He knew she'd be on _his_ side, whatever side it was.  
„Did you leave your mobile phone in you office?"

She shook her head _no_. „I switched it off, put it into my jacket and gave it into the laundry service trolley on the way here. That'll get them thinking…" She sized him up, trying to guess what was going on. Something had to be wrong- very wrong. He had called her ten minutes ago, had asked her to meet him here, without anyone else knowing. He wore dark sunglasses- although it was October. Next to him was a bag that she guessed to be his escape-bag.  
„Jack…", she began, „what's so wrong that you want to meet out here?"

He took a deep breath and turned away, looking out onto the lake again. „I don't even know where to start.", he sighed. It felt like her view was burning a whole into his flesh. „You're gonna hate me if I tell you nothing about this… and you're gonna hate me as well if I do."

„Tell me what?", she impatiently probed. The way he said it, the way he behaved, both frightened her. „Jack?"

Patiently, he reached into the inner pocket of his jacket and pulled out an envelope. He held it for a few seconds, and then passed it on to her, wordlessly.

Hesitatingly, Audrey took the sealed envelope with the presidential insignia on it.  
„What is this… Jack?" Unwillingly, he voice trembled.

He lowered his view.

„Shall I open it?", she asked, as he said nothing.

Jack only shook his head.  
„No.", he finally spoke. „Give it to Harry… or your dad…" he turned back, looking into her eyes. „will you, please?"

Audrey put the envelope aside and reached out to take the sunglasses of him. She wanted to look into his eyes. She wanted to see what was really going on with him.

She already had her hands on his face as he grabbed them, keeping her from doing it. „Will you do it, please?", he asked her again.

„First, you tell me what's going on!", she begged him, „You scare me, Jack!"

He guided her hands away from his face and slipped a bit closer to her, taking her into his arms. Wordlessly he held her tight. Eventually, she awoke from her state of angst and slung her arms around him, too.  
She grabbed his jacket and pulled him closer „tell me what this is all about.", she begged him, fearing the worst. Pressing his body tightly to hers she felt that he now wore a gun in a holster under his left armpit. He hadn't worn one as he had left for office today morning.

He just didn't know where to start. Right now he was only glad that she was here. He felt how cold her back was, so he held her even tighter to warm her while he buried his face at her neck.

„Jack…", Audrey started, close to tears and suddenly filled with anger. It felt like all those goodbyes that they'd had but never said.

„Would you still… be with me if I weren't…" he didn't continue because he know how ridiculous this was. Instead, he freed himself from their embrace and framed her face with both his hands, looking into her eyes.  
 _You went through my worst days with me_ , he breathed, leaning his forehead against hers _I'm sorry for even asking_

„Asking what?", Audrey silently asked back. Now finally, she had her hands free to cautiously take off his sunglasses.

„This is my letter of resignation."  
Finally it was out.

While Audrey still sat there, not believing it, he let go of her and turned back to the lake. So much more was affected by his decision - not only his personal future. Not only his and Audrey's future.

She thought the same thoughts.  
„What about the treaty with the Chinese?", she asked him.

„I don't know.", Jack sighed. Actually, he did know- or at least he was able to make an educated guess. „Secretary Parker is the next in line. He'll take over."

„And sign the treaty today?", Audrey probed.

They both knew he wouldn't.

„This is something I can't influence any more.", Jack murmured. „I'm done with all this." He couldn't say it out loud what he really wanted to say: he could take no more.

Audrey knew it without words.  
„So you just plan to resign and then what? Run away from everything? Do you know how silly that sounds?" She grabbed him harshly by his shoulder, almost shouting at him. „You're the president of this god damn country now! You CAN NOT pack it all in and leave!"  
As he turned around to her, she was shocked by the look in his face and his eyes.

Even though her insults he stayed calm. He had thought that all through. Long enough.  
Instead of answering, he just took off his jacket and hung it around her shoulders.

Audrey watched him with disbelief. She found no words. Next to her, there was his letter of resignation. Right now, she would have liked to take it, rip it into pieces and throw it into the lake on her right.

Jack could read her every thought.  
„Don't.", he said, silently. „Please."

Audrey put the letter back down. Although she saw the pure sadness within him, she couldn't hold back. „Are you on drugs?"

He thought for a second before answering „Not as much as I wished I was."

Audrey nodded, thanking him silently for the honest answer. She could see his tiny pupils, but all in all, he acted quite normal.

Jack knew that he owed her an awful lot of explanations.  
„I just took this job to safe my own life" he began, „and Taylor never wanted me to play any role in this game, Audrey. I was just one of the many background actors that she'd rest her power on… but nobody ever wanted me to take over that power. I told you that already. Nobody wants me to be in that role."

„But why _now_? Why _now_ , right before…" In the middle of the sentence Audrey stopped. The sudden realization changed everything. „You're not stepping down because you want to. They're forcing you to."

He took a deep breath and leant back, lying down on the deck.  
 _Yes._ The question to follow was inevitable.

„How?"

He couldn't tell her about that video that they had threatened to release to the press.

Audrey watched him stare straight up into the sky. „How?"

He tore his hair. He couldn't.

„How?"

He longed for a shot, damn it, he really wanted one now, to kill the memory of what Harry and Heller had showed him an hour ago. Burying his face in his hands didn't make it better. And also not Audrey's hand that she put on his chest.

 _Don't do this to me,_ she heard him say, _I made my decision._

But Audrey didn't let loose. She bent down to him, asking „You knew that all the way long, Jack. The situation always was the same - you have always been the sore spot in _their_ administration." She forced him to take his hands away and let her look into his eyes. „You stood up to them before!" _Why not now?_ \- was the inaudible question that was unwillingly added.

What was meant to be a battle cry only reminded him once more of all the things that had done in order to stand up to them.

Jack slung his arms around her neck and tore her down to him until her head rested on his torso.  
He couldn't look into her eyes right now.

She heard his heart beat and felt his chest rise and fall with every breath.

„It will always be the same, Audrey.", he began, „the longer I stay, the harder this fight gets. They will always find something to attack me with. I don't wanna do this any longer."  
As she already wanted to say something he carried on, „This isn't a gam I'm up to, Audrey. As I came into office, a year ago, one of the doctors prescribed me Oxycodone. I didn't say no only because I didn't want to tell them about my past with drugs… Nobody knew about it, I wanted to keep it that way."

„And that's how you started doing drugs again?", she asked, drawing lines on his torso with her fingers.

„No, I didn't. But I also didn't throw them away… I kept them."  
Suddenly, it felt so relieving to tell her that. „But some day I started taking them."

Audrey moved a little bit to lie more comfortable. „Why did you?"

„I don't remember.", he murmured. Of course he remembered. _The day he had found out about Harry and Audrey. That evening he had stood in front of his bathroom mirror, like every evening, and had looked at the scars that Anderson had given him when he had aimed at Audrey. For the first time in years he hadn't been able to look at himself any more. Like six years earlier, after coming home from China.  
_ „I believe it all got simply too much to handle.", he added. _Solitude. Hostility. Intrigues. Everlasting meetings about nonsense. The press… Living one life for the public and hiding whatever real life was left._ Inevitably, his thoughts got carried back to the other day. Soon after it, he had let one of his old friends make that tattoo over that scar, so he didn't need to look at it every day. „It was like fighting against the whole world… completely alone."

„You did that before, Jack. It's not the first time you're up against everyone."

He took a deep breath. „I know. But back there… I always had a way out. I could run before things became unbearable."

„Like now?", she asked, pointing at the letter that still lay there on the deck.

„Yes.", he spat back as an answer.

„You can't run away, Jack. What do you plan to do?" She sat up and looked down at him. „Do you want to leave me with this letter and start to run in that direction?" Angrily, she pointed somewhere in the wilderness before she grabbed his bag and opened its latch. From here she could see a fresh set of clothes, a few clips and ammo in there. „You can't be serious. Really, you gotta do better than that, damnit you're the President of this country!"

Jack suddenly dashed forward and grabbed her harshly by her upper arms. „Not much longer!", he hissed, „No-one of them will stop me from leaving because they all want to see me out of their way." He had thought this all through, yes, he had. „I'm a sitting duck now that Taylor and her supporters are gone."

„You are the President, Jack- they can't just…"

„Shut up, Audrey!", he finally shouted at her, „This doesn't only affect me!" He was boiling with anger- but not anger at her. He was angry at whoever was behind this- most likely Secretary Parker or one of his lap dogs.

Out of his trouser pocket, he pulled the flash drive that he had taken from Harry, placing it into Audrey's hand.

She looked at the piece of plastic. It looked burned.  
„What was on it?"

„Got it this morning, with an ultimatum. Whoever sent it wants me not to sign the treaty with the Chinese."

„And you think it was Parker?"

Jack nodded in silence.

„What does he get out of this?"

Jack sighed and stood up. He took his bag from the ground and then held out his hand to help Audrey stand up, too. „I bet he only wants me to resign. He's the next in line."

„What was on this, Jack?", she asked.  
Jack held out his hand and she let the already destroyed fall back into his palm. Thoughtfully he watched the burned flash drive and then threw it far out into the lake.

Audrey watched him silently, how he stood there and looked at the circles on the water surface, forming around the spot where he had drowned the flash drive. She desperately wanted to make him see reason again. „Can't you sign the treaty and then step down?"

He turned around, shaking his head. „Risking that this gets public?" He brought his hand to her face and affectionally stroked over her cheek. „No."  
He leant forward, „If I don't step down now, whoever has that file will always be able to influence any one of my decisions", he whispered into her ear, „After if I resign, I bet Parker will sign the treaty… he'd be insane to wage a war."  
Then he softly kissed her cheek. „You see? It's the best if I get out of whomsoever way. I'll call you in a few days."

Audrey was glad that he had kissed her cheek and not her lips. She was boiling with anger at him right now. „What kind of file is it?", she hissed.

„A video."

„You, taking drugs?"

They deeply looked into each other's eyes. „No.", Jack murmured. He knew, he had to tell her the truth, finally. No matter how ugly it was. „Do you remember the day I got shot… in China?"

Of course she remembered that day.  
Speechlessly he stared into his blood-shot eyes.

Once more he framed her face with both his hands, whispering in to her ear „I can't undo what was done, Audrey", his voice shook as he spoke, „I'd give so much to make you un-see what you've seen…" once more he kissed her cheek, in such an affectionate way that it went even deeper than a normal kiss. „I don't want you to see this again… in the media."

He turned away before he couldn't stand the thought of it any longer. „I'll call you in a few days, once this all has calmed down."  
Then he started walking.

For a few seconds, Audrey was just paralyzed. She perfectly remembered that day. Through a veil of tears she watched him leave.  
He was already a few yards away as she called his name- „Jack!"

Hesitatingly he turned around. He watched her pick up his letter of resignation-  
 _Don't, Audrey…_ he powerlessly murmured as he saw her standing there, threatening to rip it into pieces.

„I won't let you leave!", she called.

Yet, she hadn't ripped it apart.

„Audrey, please…", he breathed, shaking his head slightly. „Do make us go through this. I beg you"

She couldn't stand the picture of seeing him leave.  
Though he begged her to respect the decision that he had made, she wasn't able to do this.  
Finally, she ripped his letter of resignation apart and let the pieces drop into the water. „No."

Slowly, she went over to him- even before she reached him he dropped to his knees, tearing his hair.  
She knelt down and firmly took him into her arms. „You're not facing this alone."  
„I don't wanna face this at all", he sobbed. He couldn't take it any longer.  
„What would you have done if I had let you leave, Jack?", she asked, making him face her.  
Tears welled in his eyes as he looked at her. He didn't answer- wasn't it obvious?  
„Barricade yourself somewhere and get off your head?", she kept asking.  
Instead of saying yes, he just lowered his head and said nothing. Was this how embarrassment felt? He wished the ground would open up and swallow him up. She had known it all the way - but why did it finally feel so bad to talk to her about his drug problems?

Eventually, Audrey grabbed his escape-bag and pulled it in between them. „Then do it here."

He sniffed, looked away. „It won't change anything, Audrey. The world will still be the same once I wake up again… having one problem more.", he answered. It was what what his mind told him, all the way long. But he knew that he wouldn't listen to his mind. In the back, there was another force, telling him to get these pictures out of his head, by what means ever.

Silently they both sat there, watching each other.  
Jack didn't dare to open the bag up. He'd _never_ do this in front of her.

He ripped himself free from her hands on his shoulders and yielded back. „Stop it!", he angrily replied, his voice getting loud. „I don't ever want to be reminded of that day again!" - referring to the video - „And I'll do _anything_ not to let the press tear this into pieces."

„It's your life, damnit, Jack!", she shouted back at him. „It's your past that you can't run from!"  
By simply referring to that topic, she had suddenly cut open another deep wound.

He yielded further back, until he was out of her arm's reach.

Audrey stared at him with disbelief. „You can't run from what's happened, Jack.", she spoke. "And so can't I".

He lethargically nodded his head. „I'm trying.", he added, referring to the drugs that were inside that bag, in a petite silver envelope.

„I see you are.", she said and opened up the bag, taking out the envelope, slowly opening it up and revealing the sight on everything he needed.

For a moment he was afraid that she'd take the small bottle and pour the colorless liquid away - but she didn't.  
Instead, Audrey placed the open envelope at the ground, right in front of him.  
Wordlessly.

Jack looked first at the syringe, then at her.  
He couldn't read her face.  
Was it pity? Understanding? Hate or disgust? Or just indifference? Did she really really expect him to shoot up in front of her?

„Do it.", she said, unemotionally, after a while.

 _You know I won't._

„Do it.", she commanded him. „Why don't you?"

No answer.

„Are you ashamed? Afraid?"

Hearing her insult him in that way hurt him even more than the things that he was trying to run from.  
Motionlessly he sat there. It felt like sitting in house of cards that was just tumbling down. All that he had done this for, any reason why he had taken this job though he hadn't wanted to and pushed himself further and further into this, was now suddenly vanished by the realization that he had changed nothing with it at all. Being the head of this state hadn't made his life any safer.  
He had done this all only to stop that everlasting running and running away from the mighty.  
Now he sat here and had to realize that he'd hadn't changed anything.

Audrey knew she had gone too far, as she saw him like that. He had reached a certain point where it all overwhelmed him.  
„You need to learn how to live with your past, Jack.", she silently told him, took the syringe into her hands, „that's _not_ the _answer_."

„I know.", he breathed, tearing his hair. „But I can't live with it, Audrey."

She put it aside and crawled over to him.

„I can't.", he sobbed once more, having buried his head in his arms. „Neither with the past- nor with the future."

Softly, Audrey laid her hands on him. „Try it, at least.", she whispered into his ear and held him close for a while. But as she had said that, she already knew that he had given his best, trying to cope with it for a long time already.


	30. Violation, pt I

**Violation, pt. I**

.

.

.

.

At first he didn't know whether he was awake or just dreaming. Whether he had his eyes open or not. Whether he was lying in bed or somewhere else… was he lying at all?  
The ground felt like it was moving. That was actually nothing special. He had experienced more earthquakes in L.A. than he had counted…  
Only the smell was different. Some kind of nature smell, not like the smell of the sterile clean office or the burnt gun powder at the shooting range. The smell took his thoughts away, making him think about where he wasn't- because he could definitely name a lot of places where he surely wasn't…

 _You shouldn't look at this. Really. I don't think he would have liked you to see this.  
Damn it- the sake of this country is in our hands right now Harry, you better show me what we're up against. _

Far away, there were some voices. The sounded like they were fighting.  
No problem. He didn't want to fight with them. Saying nothing, he stayed where he was and was glad that they didn't come any closer.

 _Audrey… I… I know that. But this will…  
Harry, what is it? What is so bad about this? I mean… he told me already that it is a video made by the Chinese.  
He did?  
Yes. - _pause _\- I know what I'm facing. Please, Harry. There's no time for sensitivity._

Although he didn't really listen to their words, he was suddenly overwhelmed by the thought that they were talking about _him._ It felt uncomfortable.  
He moved his head and tried to find them. Nothing in sight. A wooden wall to his right and his back, a stone wall on his left… he couldn't really tell what was in front of him but for sure, no people.  
He lay on something soft. Carried away by that thought again, he dove his hand into what he was lying on and grabbed a bundle of hay.  
Such a good scent.

 _I'm still not so sure about this,_ Harry murmured as he grabbed his notebook and put it down on a nearby table. „Audrey… I know we never talked about this part of you past…"

„I didn't want to talk about this", she answered, putting her hand softly on his forearm, „there's nothing you could have done for me."

He looked into her eyes for one moment, hesitatingly. After he had seen how badly this video had thrown Jack off track, he didn't want to see her suffer that much, too.

„Please, Harry… I'm over this, trust me.", she murmured.

„Like Jack? Promise me you won't lose your head, run away and come back hooked on drugs, will you?" As he said it, he was already sorry for the bit of sarcasm in it.

„I promise."

That soft look in her eyes made him decide. It was nothing like the look in Jack's eyes, when he and Heller had showed that video to him today morning.  
Finally, he opened up the notebook, looking for the well hidden file.

„Why did they take a video of this at all?", Audrey asked him while he was still searching.

„In military intelligence we used to call that _shared intel._ ", Harry began. There was it. The file opened up, revealing a first, steady picture. Split screen. The left half showed part of an interrogation and holding cell, the right part an adjoined room behind a semitransparent mirror.  
It gave Audrey a start as she saw herself, bound to a chair in the middle of the adjoined room.

„The subtitles you're going to see are Korean. I suspect that they videotaped it to share their interrogation results with some northern Korean agents who also had an interest in you both. It seems that you were too valuable to be shared in person."

 _okay,_ Audrey silently answered.

Harry was still not sure if it was a great idea to show her that. He watched her closely as he kicked on ‚play'. She was silent. Excited. Unstrung.  
Without letting her know, he muted the video. Seeing the pictures was horrible enough, there was no need to listen to the inquisitive questions and the painful screaming, too. While seeing it today morning, the sound track had disturbed him most of all.  
Finally, Harry took a second chair and sat down somewhere slightly behind her. Just close enough to be within an arm's reach. Just far away enough to give her some privacy for her thoughts and feelings.

* * *

 _seven years earlier_

 _._

Audrey already knew what was about to come. They had brought her in here, had bound her to the chair, like the days before and the weeks before… 3 weeks and 5 days now. But somehow, she was afraid that she had lost count. Were it really only 3 weeks? Or had it already been 4?  
Lately she started to doubt herself and everything. She hadn't seen daylight ever since. Actually, she couldn't even tell how many days had passed.  
She based her calculations on counting their ‚daily' routine of bringing her in here, then bringing Jack to the other room, torturing him until even the painkillers couldn't bring back his consciousness no more and throwing her back into the cell without a window.  
Before seeing Jack for the first time, they had tried to question her alone- they had been asking the same questions over and over again. DoD security protocols. Access codes. DoD confidential matters. She hadn't said a word.

Jack wasn't here yet.  
In the other room, behind the mirror, there was nothing but a blank wooden table close to her side- the one where they had bound him to yesterday, as they had trickled acid on the bloody wounds on his back.  
Further away, in the middle of the room a chain hung from the ceiling, where they could fixate their victim while they'd beat him up.

She jerked as the key rattled inside the lock of the door to the room she was in. It could be only one person.  
Although she prayed it not to be him, her wish never got fulfilled. This man - he had never told her his name - had become her worst enemy and her worst nightmare.

Cheng walked inside, closing the door behind him. There was no need to lock it. His female prisoner in here was bound to the chair- both her hands and both her legs were. She couldn't move an inch, exactly how he had ordered.  
„Good day, miss Raines.", he spoke, like every time. Rituals made the situation even more intimidating. He used to build up rituals - and one day, he could destroy the rituals, throwing his victims even more out of order. That day was today.

Silently he sat down on another chair behind her.  
Audrey couldn't turn around since her upper arms were bound to the chair. She had tried to turn around once, weeks ago, when Cheng had simply laughed and had slapped her across the face.  
Compared to what they did to Jack each time, it was nothing- but still she hadn't tried again to look around. It was useless, anyway. There was nothing to see.

They hadn't brought Jack yet.  
She wondered why she was alone in here, with Cheng, who had still not said a word. Alone with him, it felt even more intimidating.  
Whenever she got a glimpse of Jack, she didn't feel alone.  
It was so sick that she wished that he'd be here now- she knew what they were going to do to him. He had deserved _not to be here_. Damning herself for her selfishness, she still wished that she could see him now.  
Audrey stared at the chain that hung from the ceiling. Yesterday two men with whips had _worked_ on him, lashing his back until she had seen his blood dripping to the ground, mixing with all the other old stains of blood and sweat and god knows what he had already lost on that exact same spot.  
He hadn't screamed at first, like always. That was _his_ ritual. Or was it an unspoken agreement between him and his tormentors that he'd tell them that way that he could take no more? Or did they even delight in hearing him scream?

It was so ghostly silent in her that she heard every little noise.  
After some time, she heard noises out on the hallway, coming closer. There were people struggling. From time to time she could hear the crackling sound that only an electroshock taser would make- and somebody wincing in pain shortly after.  
But it didn't take him long to start the struggle again.

Audrey tried not to let the smile show on her face. Cheng wouldn't appreciate that.  
But on the inside, she smiled, every single time the riot began again. He hadn't broken. He was back on his feet, no matter how hard they had treated him yesterday.

They pushed the door to the interrogation room open and tore their rebellious victim inside.

Audrey saw his back.  
There were three bloody wounds more than two days ago. They looked bad. Yesterday, they had whipped him until his back had been bloody. And thereafter, they had even trickled some liquid - she believed it to be acid - in to these three new wounds. It looked like they had started to suppurate over night.  
She kept track of every single one of his injuries. He walked in with a limb, probably because of the fight on the way here. There were numerous bruises all over his body, not to mention all the little injuries that were so insignificant, compared to the large wounds on his back, his shoulders, even his arms and torso.

It took the guards some time to fix his handcuffs to the hook on the chain from the ceiling. Even after they had bound him there, he didn't stop struggling and tried to get the iron chain off the hook. No chance.

Cheng laughed as he watched him try. The same every day. Would this guy never give up?  
He stood up from his chair as Jack finally let it be and calmed down.

Audrey heard him pass by behind her chair, murmuring something in Chinese. He headed for Jack's room.  
Spellbound, she stared at Jack's face. His view wasn't focused on anyone inside the room. He looked into the distance, alert, and focused, like if he was preparing himself for the pain that was about to come.

Cheng entered.  
Jack didn't deign to look at him. He kept his stare. He kept his eyes open, even as they switched on their bright spotlights that he liked to call the ‚interrogation lights'.  
He heard Cheng's steps somewhere behind his back.  
The guy hadn't asked a single question, ever since 3 and a half weeks. Before that, he had at least tried to interrogate him. Why not now? Had he already given up? Couldn't be.

Like every time in this situation, Jack tried to think back. What had he done to his own prisoners? What possible reason would he have had to torture them without asking any questions? He couldn't think of any other reason than Cheng wanting to break him mentally by taking his time. Once he'd break they'd start again with their questions, he was sure.  
Fearing that moment, he clenched his teeth. They were talking now.  
Unintelligible words, Chinese language, a quietly spoken set of commands that he couldn't decipher. He awaited a first, unexpected blow at any minute and tried not to think of where that blow might land.  
He couldn't remember any more when they had stopped yesterday. He had woken up in his cell, hours after they had finished their procedures on him. Somebody had come to wash the rests of this acid from his back, after they had found out that he was even too weak to do this himself.

Cheng's orders were longer today.  
In the corner of his view Jack finally saw him leave the room. He was sure that Cheng would now enter that adjacent room behind the large mirror on the wall and watch in delight-

The first blow.  
Audrey watched Jack's mouth open up for a mute scream. He gasped for air and wound himself to make the pain wear off.

He clenched his teeth once more. That bastard. Over there he was, for sure.  
Angrily, Jack stared at the mirror. The interrogation light blinded him that much that he couldn't even see his own reflection. But he knew Cheng was there. One day…. he'd be able to rip himself free, if only for a minute. Break that glass and-

Second blow.

only channeling the pain into mere anger made him survive and keep his consciousness-

Third blow.  
Audrey tried to hold back the tears. She stared at him and watched him catch his breath again.  
Cheng had just entered the room. He hadn't even asked a single question yet.

Fourth one.  
Although he hadn't wanted to scream, he winced of pain.

„Miss Raines", Cheng finally began, as they watched the sixth and seventh lash go down on Jack's already battered skin. Not long until he'd start to bleed from these wounds. „Where did we stop yesterday?"

She answered nothing.

„I think we stopped… at the security protocols." Cheng smiled as he said it. „What kind of access does the level 7 protocol give?"

After the tenth lash, Jack's knees gave in for the first time. His body was caught by his wrists in the shackles mounted to that chain.  
He didn't get unconscious. But every other time, his eyes closed and opened up again… the hatred stare towards her was suddenly gone, Audrey saw.  
The two guards gave him some time to get back to his feet again.

„It's level 7 that we're talking about.", Cheng mentioned.

As soon as Jack was back on his feet the left guard swung his whip again.  
She had never seen anybody whip something so hard. The leather strips bored into Jack's back, deeply. As the guy swung the whip to hit Jack once more, the weapon left a pattern of blood splatters on the ceiling and the tiled wall behind him.

Audrey didn't close her eyes. She had done so, in the past, and Cheng had always forced her to open them up again. She had hated his touch.  
And she didn't say a word.  
Once they'd have all the intel they needed… her and Jack's life would be worthless.

Fifteen.

Number twenty.

And finally, he started to scream.

Screaming was one way how to handle the pain. Either anger or screaming. He had to let it all out.

His voiced pierced Audrey's marrow and bone.

„Say one word and my men will stop.", Cheng told her. He had watched her three weeks in a row by now. Tears - silent tears - rolled down over her cheeks. She had a great deal of self control. At first, he had thought that she'd break easily, but she hadn't.  
Her pangs of conscience had to be massive, he guessed. She definitely felt something for that man over there.  
„One word and they _will_ stop.", he repeated. The authorities had forbade to touch her in any physical way. He didn't care- because that order hadn't referred to Bauer as well. Bauer was a stage 3 inmate- meaning that he could do to him whatever he wanted to- he only had to take care not to kill him.

Audrey had never even answered anyone of his questions.  
Through a veil of tears she watched Jack. He had finally become unconscious, for the first time today. His naked torso rose with every breath he made. He was dirty. Smudged with dried blood. Even if they hadn't treated him that badly today, she would have felt the same pity for him. She had never seen anybody in such a condition -let alone somebody she loved.

Cheng watched her, intensely. Although she didn't let it show, he knew that she was affected by watching this. He was on the right way. Not long, until she'd break and tell them anything, not to let Bauer suffer any longer.  
„One word will make them stop.", he commented, as they both watched the guards wake up Jack again.

 _No._ An almost inaudible whisper left her mouth- voice creaky of not speaking for such a long time.

Cheng even took the _no_ as a welcome start.  
He tapped on the glass twice and immediately, the guards stepped away from Jack.

Cheng knelt down in front of Audrey.  
She finally took her eyes off Jack and turned to him. Hadn't she said _no_?

„At least we're talking now for the first time, miss Raines", he smiled.

„I said no.", Audrey spat back at him, even though she was afraid of him.

„This is senseless.", Cheng remarked, pointing at Jack. „You know that as well as I do."

Audrey answered nothing. She turned back to Jack. Yes, it was senseless. But she had been taught what to do in such a situation. Jack would do nothing else but stay silent.

„Miss Raines, I am not sure how long Mister Bauer would stay silent if he was in your position and we were treating _you_ like him."  
Cheng knew exactly how to exercise pressure on her. He was trained to do so.

No matter how much she tried to convince herself that she was doing the right thing - Audrey couldn't imagine Jack sitting here, saying nothing… he wouldn't just look at her being tortured like that. That made it even harder to say ‚no' again.

Cheng knocked at the glass once more.  
The guards continued their work.

* * *

Camp David, now

.

 _Why do yo stop it?  
Haven't you seen enough? _

Jack stared at the ceiling, wondering where he was. He had definitely seen this place before… a wooden rooftop, the smell of hay…  
He sat up and leant against the wooden wall to his right. It was cold in here.

 _Harry, please. Don't patronize me. I know this is not the end. -_ her voice sounded angry.  
Unsure, what to do, Harry looked into her eyes. She still showed no sign of being disturbed. During seeing all this, she had dried some silent tears. But no reaction like Jack's. _How come you're able to handle this so much better than him?,_ he asked her.  
 _I had help,_ she answered, _to come to terms with the past.  
_ Although he didn't like to, he let the video play on.

It took him a while to realize that he was somewhere in a horse stable. That was the typical smell of one. He leant against the wall and looked around. Here was a pile of hay… over there some mounts with all kinds of saddles on them.  
The voices that he had heard before were gone again. He really wondered where they were… Finally he grabbed the edge of the wooden wall and pulled himself up to have a look where the others were.


	31. Violation, pt II

**Violation, pt. II**

 _caution: this chapter contains torture, violence and adult language. If you don't want to read it, scroll down to the lower end, leave out the middle part and continue there._

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Standing on his feet again, he still held on to the wooden wall next to him. Was the ground still shaking? Couldn't be…  
As soon as that thought had come it was already carried away again. Behind him a pile of hay, in front of him a long hallway leading through the horse stable, horse boxes to the left and the right. He turned around to see where the voices had come from, and found a man and a woman, sitting in front of a notebook, a few yards away.  
They were watching something. But he didn't hear a tone and couldn't even see the picture, since it was so small and so far away.  
Silently he stayed where he was, watching their backs. He didn't care anyway. He cared about nothing at that moment.

* * *

 _seven years earlier, China_

.

He was definitely running out of time. Bauer had been here for 4 months now. Barely any results. The longer he stayed here, the less the chances got to get some meaningful and current information out of him. That man's health and body deteriorated with every other day. Although he was ordered to keep him alive, he wasn't sure how long he could still question him that way.  
The woman - such a high-level, high-class DoD employee - had been a welcome surprise.  
Cheng circled her chair while his men still ‚worked' on Bauer. She still hadn't said a single useful word, no matter how hard they had treated him.  
It was time to go one step further. He had asked the authorities for permission to hack off one of Bauer's limbs - but had been denied. No such mutilation on purpose, he had been told.  
Anyway, there were other options available to make her talk.

He waited for the next time Bauer would lose his consciousness. It was a miracle, how much that man could take. Although he was bleeding from numerous wounds, he still kept his eyes open. The waistband of his trousers was already soaked with fresh, red blood.  
But between every single one of his outcries of pain he fought as hard as a wounded animal - he could see it in the hateful stare in his eyes. He hadn't given up yet. If they would let them go - unguarded for one moment - he was sure that Bauer could still kill. And if he'd see the woman… he was sure that Bauer would freak out then, becoming a totally uncontrollable prisoner.

Minutes later, Audrey saw him collapse once more, into the chains. This time, they didn't wake him up.  
Instead, the guards took the chain between his handcuffs off the hook and let the unconscious body drop to the floor, hands still cuffed. They left the room.

„I told you, Miss Raines…", Cheng began, while he went over to the door. Audrey thought he'd let the tormenters into her room now, but he didn't. „… a few weeks ago, do you remember? …", he continued the sentence.

The guards hadn't come in. With some orders in Chinese he sent them away, closing the door behind him again.  
He came back to Audrey, positioning himself right in front of her- but in a way that she could still see Jack's body. „… that Mister Bauer's blood is on your hands."

Now she saw that he had taken the whip from his men.  
Afraid that he'd start lashing her now she yielded back - even though she could only move an inch within her shackles. All tensed up, she sat there, her eyes tracking the weapon in his hands. In the dim light, it shimmered wet. But not wet by water- the black leather strips were wet with blood.

Cheng held it out, showing it to her. Slowly. Making her see everything. He hoped that the blood would drip off, right into her lap, but it didn't.  
Slowly he lowered the whip, letting the leather strips chase over Audrey's cuffed right hand, up her arm, across her torso, to her face.

Everything here smelled awful- a stench of blood, sweat and feces was always around. But now, as the bloody whip traced right across her face, the stench blood was intensely outweighing all others.  
She swallowed hard, not to puke. She held her breath and closed her eyes, until she could feel it no more.

As Cheng put the whip away from her again, he sarcastically smiled. It had worked out exactly how he had planned. Now a red trace of blood was painted across her body, from her hand until up to her face that was smeared with red now.  
He wanted to swing his arm and strike her, too - just once, that she'd experience it herself what it meant to feel that kind of pain… just once- or twice.  
He was really itching to do it.  
They had forbade it…

After some minutes of thinking he finally put the thought aside. There was way more to lose than to win.

Audrey still fought the urge to vomit. It was good that she couldn't see how her face looked like, right now. But she _could_ see her hand, and her arm, covered by a trail of bright, red… _his hand is really on my hands,_ she knew that Cheng was right. No, she wouldn't say a word. She remembered the DoD training, years ago. _There's nothing that can make this situation better,_ she remembered, _saying something will lead to death, not to freedom._

And there was the favorite thing that she remembered: _if they haven't killed you yet means that you are valuable to them. If they haven't even hurt you severely, they don't want you to die._

She looked up to Cheng again. Into the eyes of the bastard. No word.

He replied her view, also saying nothing at first.  
But his silence - and the fact that he didn't freak out upon her disrespectful gesture - was no sign of a good heart within him. He had another, last ace up the sleeve. Ultimate psychological pressure upon her, since he wasn't allowed to touch her at all.

Cheng went over to the door, ordering his men in.

Seized with sudden panic, Audrey turned around to look at them? Were they coming for _her_ now? The way they stormed in… right towards her, looking earnest and determined…  
Her pulse was racing.

The two guards from before had brought a third one with them. While the new guy and one of the others, along with Cheng, stayed in the back, the other guard came over and undid the shackles that kept her to that chair so tightly.  
Meanwhile, Cheng locked the door from the inside. She was trapped here now, with them, _damn it._

For a moment, as he harshly grabbed her by her shirt and tore her along with him, she wanted to scream, but she was so scared that no words would come out. She wanted to fight this man- her conscience told her to punch him into his face or do something else to him, but she just didn't have the heart to do it. It was exactly the guy who had worked on Jack before.  
Afraid like she was, she didn't dare to fight him.

He tore her to the back of the room, away from the mirror, grabbed her by her upper arms and held her tight, in front of him, making her face the others.

Cheng was the first to come over, followed by the two other guys. He built himself up in front of Audrey.  
„You leave me no other choice, Miss Raines.", he said, almost as if he was sorry for what was about to come. Then he stepped aside.

Audrey saw the new guy come over to her. He had kind of a special view in his eyes… that man for sure wasn't ‚normal'. He was a mentally handicapped…  
As he reached out she suddenly knew what that man was here for: he might be mentally handicapped, but not physically.  
He reached out and pulled her pants down.  
She started to struggle, no matter if she dared to or not. The panic had taken over.

 _YOU BASTARD!_ she screamed _GET YOUR HANDS OF ME!_  
Every one of her words made the guy only smile. Of course, he didn't understand a word she was saying.  
But she kept screaming.

.

Jack wasn't sure what had waken him up. Was it the pain, that he suddenly felt again? Or was it the nightmare that he had had, right now?  
He had heard Audrey scream. That he should better take his hands off her… she had been calling him a ‚bastard'. How right she was.  
He perfectly remembered that day, when Paul had died…

Slowly he sat up. His hands were cuffed… he found himself lying at the floor of the interrogation room. What a surprise. Normally he woke up in his cell, and not here.  
It could mean nothing good. They would have taken him back to his cell, if they were finished for today. More was about to come.

He wasn't so sure how much more he could take.  
His back hurt, immensely. It burned. He felt fever, but he didn't dare to reach out and examine the wounds. Not with these dirty hands.

The nightmare also didn't let him go. He remembered that day, like it had been yesterday. Audrey, coming out of the operating theatre where Paul had died… slamming her fists against his torso, calling him a bastard… the memory of her voice had been so vivid…

.

„Enough!", Cheng's voice cut through the air, making an end to Audrey's screaming as well.  
He had her where he wanted her. Even the few seconds of making her believe she'd be raped had perfectly showed the wanted effect. He saw her eyes, widened with horror, as she reached out and pulled her pants up again.

Even the stupid guy had understood that it was time to step back, although he hadn't understood the meaning of that English word.  
Cheng laid a hand on the shoulder of the man and quietly spoke to him in Chinese. Soon, the disappointed face of the guy lighted up again. He pulled up his own pants, too, stepped back and was guided to the outside by the second guard.

Cheng stepped in front of Audrey.

Her knees shook, she could barely stand.

„We can repeat that every day, Miss Raines. And I can make him go further.", Cheng lied. He had no authority to touch her. What he had done now was already the utmost limit of his clearance. „Much, much further."

She didn't know what to do or to say. Could she really stand that, again, … if that guy…  
Though she didn't want to, she broke out into tears.

After Cheng gave some more orders, the guard dragged the crying woman back to the chair, fixing her arms and her legs to it again, just like before.  
Cheng stepped behind her, after the guard had left. She was still crying.  
„Do you see now, how this works?", he asked her. „Do you see that we are _not_ playing?"  
He knew, that she had been taught to say nothing, calm herself and try to sit it out. All Americans were taught the same shit by the government that wanted to protect it's own interests. „Do you get it now, that there is no way getting through this by saying nothing?", he carried on, while she still cried.

Her whole body was trembling by now.  
She couldn't get that picture out of her head any more, of that guy, coming over to her…

The guards entered Jack's room again. Although he wanted to defend himself, he was too weak right now, showing them barely any resistance as they both grabbed him by his arms.

„Miss Raines, the man you saw - as I told you - can go much much further, as already mentioned.", Cheng stood at the mirror, watching the men tear Jack over to the only table in that room. „But I fear you won't get the point until I really show you what he'll do to you as well."

 _No.._ Audrey breathed. This couldn't be happening. „NO!", she roared.

Cheng only laughed. That room was almost soundproof. She could scream as much she wanted to.

.

Jack didn't hear her voice any more. His thoughts were consumed by fighting the guards in this everlasting struggle and trying to find out what they were up to do. He had never seen that other man before.  
But as they fixated him to that table, as before, and suddenly started to remove the last pieces of his clothes, even his last powers for self defense arose.

* * *

 _Camp David stables, now_

 _Stop it,_ she breathed, wiping the tears away.  
The man sitting next to her leant forward and hit pause. Had he gone too far, showing her? Should he have respected Jack's wish not to show anyone - especially including her?  
She stood up, wiping the tears away from her face. She couldn't look at this for one more second… needed to get some fresh air… at least walk around and ban the pictures out of her mind…  
Suddenly, Audrey froze. Jack was standing over there, a few yards away, leaning on to the brattice of the haystack, where she had left him before. Earlier, she had kept him from leaving, but had only managed to do so by giving him a dose of drugs.  
She had never seen him on drugs before. They hadn't taken long to kick in - she had barely managed to walk him back here, also with Harry's help in the end and let him sleep it off in that haystack.  
The main building was filled with journalists. Press. Other politicians. It had been too dangerous to bring him there. The stables, a few hundred yards away from the main building were their last resort.

He stared at her, looking directly into her eyes.

She saw that he was holding on to the wooden wall. His eyes were glassy… the view strange, his mouth stood open and his upper body swayed back and forth with every deep breath he took.  
„..'d you see it?", he finally asked her.

Harry jumped up from his chair and turned around, shocked to see Jack in such a condition.

Audrey stood where she was, immovably. Frightened for the moment, as if it was Cheng who had asked her that question.  
„I've seen it all, Jack…", she finally remarked, „uncut… full length… real live."

He wished she hadn't.  
Through his veil of drugs, all those bad things were normally ruled out. The way he felt right now- was normally accompanied by only good feelings - and not by _that one_.  
He turned to Harry.  
„‚…'d you show her?", he asked him. He pushed himself away from the wall and went a few steps closer. Still, Harry and Audrey were yards away. Not waiting for an answer of Harry, he carried on, „though I told you not to?"  
Normally, all the past things and all the future was ruled out by the heroin. There was only present tense. There was only the _here_ and _now._  
But not now. They had forced him into a terrain that he'd never stridden through.  
He was damn angry at the man opposite. And somehow, he couldn't it back.  
Jack reached out for the gun in the shoulder holster that he was still wearing.

Even quicker, Harry reached out too and took the Tokareva from the table, aiming it at Jack. „Did you really think I'd let a homicidal, trained killer on drugs keep his gun?", Harry spat back at him.

Disappointed by the empty holster, Jack stayed where he was.

„Are you crazy?", Audrey hissed at Harry. „What are you doing? Do you wanna shoot him?"

Unwaveringly, Harry stayed in his position, pointing Jack's gun at the President himself. „Do you see that look in his eyes?", he asked Audrey.

She glanced at Jack.

„I can judge when somebody is ready to pull the trigger.", he murmured, „I've killed enough times to know that." He was sure that Jack wouldn't have hesitated to pull the trigger. He still was on a high, and it made him dangerous.

Audrey didn't want to believe it.  
She went closer to Jack, trying to draw his attention off Harry. „Jack?", she silently began.

He didn't deign to look at her. But his attention wasn't on Harry any more, either. Instead, he stared at the screen of the notebook. It was black by now.

Audrey wasn't sure how to approach him. She had never seen him on a high before. He had told her some things from his time in Mexico… but that was of no use right now.

„Are you mad at me now?", she asked him. She had never been afraid of him, but now she kind of was. He was incalculable. Harry was still over there, with the gun.

 _How could I be mad at you._

Still no reaction towards her.

„I understand you now.", she remarked, referring to his letter of resignation and his attempt to pack it all in and leave.

 _I bet you do._

He stood there, immovably, staring at the black screen.

„Are you mad at me?", she asked him, referring to the video. They had never really talked about China. Nobody had dared to speak one word. He had never seen what role she had had in his suffering.

 _What for? You didn't do anything wrong,_ Jack remarked and finally turned towards her- after a short look back at Harry. This conversation was personal. The guy over there, pointing a gun on him was an intruder.

Audrey felt so, too. She looked in his eyes, trying to judge if he was only ‚saying it' or really meant it. Did he really not hold it against her that she'd always said _no_ to Cheng? She could have ended his suffering any minute. Seeing this video reminded her once more of the fact that death wasn't always the worst option.

He was miraculously calm right now.

 _You did nothing wrong, Audrey,_ he said once more. _You managed to keep us both alive._

She wondered how calm he was, speaking about this part of their lives. He had never been able to talk about it. It were the drugs that calmed him down right now, just enough not to freak out when thinking about their imprisonment.

For a moment he even looked into her eyes. And for that very split of a second she was sure that not his drug-self but his real self had tried to tell her that everything was alright.  
Silently

She also sensed Harry's presence. She knew Jack wouldn't keep talking if Harry was still in this room.  
 _I'll be right back,_ she silently said to Jack and went over to the Chief of Staff.

„Harry… would you leave us alone, for a few moments, please?", she asked him.  
He still pointed the gun on Jack.

Flabbergasted, he turned to Audrey. „You can't be serious, Audrey…?", he snapped back, not leaving Jack - who hadn't moved an inch away - out of sight.

„He won't do anything to me.", Audrey told him. _He never would_. She was so sure about this.

But Harry had seen that video. He knew what _she_ had done to _him._ Over there, was a known trained killer, on drugs. That man was not predictable.

„Please, Harry.", Audrey begged him. „We need to get through this.", she added, implicitly referring to all the other things that also depended on Jack to ‚function' again.

Finally, he stepped back. „Okay.", he murmured, not quite amused, „under one condition."  
Harry turned around the chair that he had been sitting on and made Audrey sit down. Then he took the second chair and pushed it the five yards over to Jack.

The two men looked at each other like attack dogs at the quiet before the storm.

As Jack had grabbed the chair and had sat down, Harry dared to lower his gun for the first time. He switched the safety on and off, put the magazine in and out to check if there were bullets inside and then passed it on to Audrey. „If he attacks you, you shoot at him."

„I _surely_ won't", she protested.

Harry didn't let loose. „He's still wearing that bulletproof vest underneath. Aim at his torso and shoot two or three times. It'll knock him out but won't hurt him."

Reluctantly, Audrey took the gun out of his hand. Otherwise, he'd never leave.  
She glanced at Jack. He sat there, immovably, and silent, watching what was going on between her and Harry.

Harry didn't like to leave.  
He didn't like to see Jack on a high, becoming an unpredictable person.  
As he left the gun in Audrey's hands, he wasn't so sure if she'd ever have the guts to shoot at him, even if her life was at stake.

But finally, he left the building, closed the door behind him and made sure that his own gun was within reach. He wanted to be prepared for every possible outcome.

.

Audrey and Jack were alone in the building.  
Nobody said a word.  
Nobody did anything else but sit there and wait for the other to start.


	32. Satisfaction

**Satisfaction**

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Slowly, Jack leant forward, resting his elbows at his knees.

Audrey sat there, holding Jack's gun that Harry had given to her.  
 _This is so pathetic,_ she said in an undertone, more to herself than to Jack.

He looked up, watching her stand up and come over, taking that ramshackle chair with her. She didn't care about what Harry had said before. She didn't keep her distance.  
The chair in one hand, the gun in the other, she walked towards him.

„Do you really trust me that much?", he asked her, as she had already come halfway.

Audrey went on.  
She knew he wasn't really himself. But the longer she waited, the more ‚normal' he got. She could already see the effects of the drug wear off.

Cautiously, she put the chair down in front of him. Cautious, not to make any noise that Harry might hear in misinterpret.  
She held the gun loosely in her hands as she sat down. It was within Jack's reach- she was less than an arm's length away. If he had wanted to, he could have dashed forward any minute, ripping it out of her hand.  
But he didn't. _Of course he didn't._  
He just followed the thing with his eyes, as Audrey also rested her hands at her thighs, and the gun in them.

„I do.", she finally answered, referring to his question from before.  
For a moment she worried, if he even remembered that he had asked her a question. „I trust you."

They looked into each other's eyes.

Audrey felt the urge to say _i love you_ to him. But she held it back. Those words were so meaningful- but if understood wrong, they could sound like a very inappropriate try to excuse, especially now.  
„I hate myself for having done that to you.", she said instead.

„Done what? Watching _them_ _do this all_ to me?"

She wondered how calm he was, saying that. He would have never said that, sober.

„That, too.", she murmured, left the gun in her lap and reached out for his left arm. There was a little red spot of blood in the crook of his arm, it had been oozing through the shirt. The wristband of the white shirt he wore was still open from before.  
Slowly she drew the sleeve back, exposing his forearm, until they could see the spot where she had forced the needle into his arm. It was a little bit swollen- and had a dark red bruise around the puncture. „I meant that.", she said. But saying sorry didn't refer to the bruise. She was sorry for the whole thing. „I had to stop you from leaving."

Jack felt reality- including all his problems - seeping back in through the barrier. „I had my reasons to leave. They didn't go away meanwhile."

Audrey softly ran her fingers over the bruise. She had never done something like that before. Probably she had stung through his vein while doing it. _Yes, you had,_ she murmured.

Their heads lowered, they both came to look at Audrey's hand at his forearm and the tattoo underneath.  
It felt so familiar, Jack thought, looking at the puncture just above this tattoo. This was his ‚scar' from Mexico, one that he saw every day and carried around his whole life long. The tattoo and the memory of the countless times that he had forced a needle to his exact spot on his arm.  
Drowned in thoughts, too, Audrey ran her hand over it. She wondered how it felt like to go through detox.. or wouldn't it be so hard to get away now, that he had used only once in years?

„Would you have let me go… and resign, if you had seen this video before? If I had showed you all of it, instead of just asking you to trust me on this?", he asked her, guiding her hand away from his forearm.

„I don't know.", Audrey answered. „Really, I don't… I haven't asked myself that question yet." She looked up, he did, too.

The high must have worn off a little bit more, she realized, looking into his eyes. The empty stare was gone, replaced by that sad view again which he'd had out on the deck, before.

„I can't sign this treaty if this gets public."

She knew that this was almost unbearable for him. „To hell with them all. Just do it."

„Audrey…" He admired her enthusiasm. The fire. That she hadn't lost sight of the greater good, although he had lost sight of it, in the minute he had seen it. „This whole administration thinks I'm giving our country away to the Chinese with this treaty. Even if I sign it, Congress will try to tear me apart for that tradeoff and all I'll do is defend it." He shook his head. No matter how many times he had thought it over, he found no world in which he could sign that treaty now. „I can already see their headlines: President Bauer - sodomized by the Chinese. Now and then."  
He sighed and leant back. „I've been in office two days now, Audrey- and already everyone is undermining my credibility."

„Don't bother… just do it.", she implored him, though she knew that he was right with every word.

He was fighting a losing game. Softly smiling, he leant over to her again, taking her hands into his. „This is politics. I cannot _not_ care about the public opinion.", he said. „I know that you're the last person on earth whom I have to teach that."

She had been a senior politician for years. She knew all the rules.

„And how on earth should Xin Yapeng sign this treaty without losing _his_ face, huh?", he continued, „In an international shit storm about what they had done to us and about their human rights situation? How shall I react? Say that it was wrong what they had done to us, firing a broadside at our new most important ally or state that _you_ and I, we had even _deserved_ to be treated like that…? Losing the last piece of credibility I ever had, selling human rights for military alliances?"

There was nothing to win here. A giant lose-lose situation.

„Let alone me not wanting that this gets public.", he quietly added.

Audrey lowered her view. It was unbearable to talk about this. Not for him, but for her, this time. She had tried it all to get him back and to get him to sign this treaty. But in the end, he had been right all the way. He had been right to leave.  
A bible passage all at once filled her thoughts. _There's a time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace. A time to win and a time to lose._

Jack saw how sad she was. She had wanted to make a difference- by saving this treaty and along with it, this country from a possible war.  
Slowly, he reached out, grabbed her neck with his right hand and pulled her head closer, until he could kiss her forehead. _I love you, Audrey,_ he whispered.

Where there had been a plan at first was at the moment just complete emptiness. She felt his lips brush against her forehead, his voice quietly saying that he was _sorry._

„I don't want you to resign.", she silently breathed, stretching out her arms, laying them at his torso. Helplessly, she crawled her nails into the fabric of his shirt, tearing at it. „I don't _want you_ to give up."

He put his arms around her and held her tight. _I'm sorry,_ he murmured.

Audrey slightly shook her head, making him feel it. „You're not the one to give up."

* * *

 _seven years earlier, China_

Only half conscious any more, Jack somehow realized that that bastard had let up on him. He had screamed and shouted, had struggled and tried to rip himself free, all the time. Useless. The two guards had held him in a firm grab while the other had assaulted him brutally.  
Right now, he was just glad it was over. He sank down to the wooden table, glad that the hard surface had no hands to touch him.

As the guards saw how bushed he was, they also let go. The arms that had struggled and fought back only moments ago collapsed to that table, numb.

His whole body was sweaty of trying to fight them off. He hadn't stood a chance from the start, in his condition, against three men armed with tasers, sticks and guns.  
Tiredly he lay there and somehow realized that Cheng entered the room again. A sadistic smile of pleasure on his face.

Audrey watched the scene. She had cried with him. She had shouted with him, roaring at Cheng and at the glass to let go of him.  
Cheng had shouted back at her, the same questions as before. His voice was intimidating.

 _Let go off him!  
Tell me about the Stage 7 access codes!  
You goddamn bastard!  
What kind of access do they grant?!  
No!  
This will continue until you answer my question! _

She was so glad that he had left the room. She was so glad that it was over. The mentally disabled tormentor had finished and looked exhausted, but a satisfied grin lighted up his face, too.  
She couldn't stand to look at that ugly guy.  
But she couldn't stand to look at Jack, either. He was totally exhausted, after having fought not for his life, but for his dignity- having lost it to them. Cheng's men had crossed the last border, taking from him that piece of self respect that he had treasured in all the months before by fighting back and refusing all their attempts to break him.

He was out of breath.  
Soaked with sweat.  
Some of the wounds on his back were still bleeding.  
There were numerous new cuts and grazes on his limbs from trying to flight them off.  
He barely moved as Cheng entered the interrogation room.

Jack heard the door snap shut behind Cheng. It was closed - but he hadn't locked it.  
His body was weak, but his _senses_ still worked.

Audrey would wonder for weeks where he had taken the power from- it all went so fast-  
suddenly Jack dashed forward, a perfect aim on the gun of the guard who had held his left arm down before. In the same movement, he dived away under the guard's try to catch him and fired at his tormentor. The one hadn't yet realized that he had gotten shot, as the second guard also drew his gun and shot back.

It was the split of a second that decided. He hadn't known where the others were, exactly, at the moment of starting to shoot. One of Jack's bullets hit his violators stomach, another one that man's torso. The third one was aimed at Cheng - but missed -  
\- and no chance of taking an aim on the other guard -  
\- no cover -

Audrey shrieked as the first misrouted bullet of that firefight hit the mirror. It left only a little scratch on the surface - the window was bulletproof.  
Another shot - only a brink of a second later -  
a fountain of blood splashed against the glass, along with the bullet that had gone straight through Jack's right shoulder. He cried out of pain but didn't let go of the gun.  
Another shot. The gun was thrown out of his hand as the bullet hit his right forearm.  
He stumbled backwards, against the mirror, and slowly sank to the ground, leaving a large trace of blood on it.

Cheng shouted orders in Chinese at his two guards. After a moment, he ripped the gun out of the shooter's hand and put a bullet into the head of the other guard who had initially lost his gun to Jack.

Slowly, Cheng walked over to Jack.  
His prisoner writhed in pain from the two shot wounds. Although the gun lay at his reach, he couldn't grope for it any more. Now he wasn't playing - he was really completely run down.

Cheng looked down at him and waited, until Jack would return the look. He sat there, naked, holding his hurt arm with the other hand, face distorted in pain. From the wound in his shoulder he was also bleeding.

Jack didn't even realize that Cheng stood in front of him, with a gun in his hands. That there was a gun within his reach but he couldn't have cared less.  
A veil of pain and darkness came over him. He felt sick. The memory of what had happened before hadn't taken control of his mind yet - but he felt every inch of his body still burning from what that guy had done.

Eventually, he realized that two dead bodies lay in front of him. That guy was dead. He couldn't come back on him. Ever.

Cheng sized up his prisoner. Physically, he had was at an end- but that hadn't been the aim. He had wanted to break him, mentally.  
But now he found Bauer looking at the guy who he had just killed, and though he was bleeding, raped and tormented - there was a smile on his face.

In blind rage, Cheng kicked his foot into Jack's ribs, making him bend over and cough blood. Ruled by rage, he couldn't stop. He just wanted to kill that smile.  
Soon, the only guard left came over and joined him, beating up Jack.

Audrey helplessly watched them. Her eyes couldn't believe what they saw - two dead guards, including the monster. For the first time ever, Cheng laid hands on his victim himself.

It didn't take long.  
After some minutes, they let go of Jack, who now lay unconsciously in the middle of the room.

The guard took the ownerless gun from the ground and dragged the dead bodies out of the room, one by one.  
They left, leaving Audrey back in her room, and their unconscious victim back in the other.

Ghostly silence entered the scene. Hours in which she hoped that he'd wake up again.. that the bleeding from his wounds would stop somehow, although nobody cared for it. It did.

She looked down at his dried blood on her own hand. If Cheng would try to tell her that she was responsible for all this, she'd always think back to this moment. It was nonsense what he had been telling her. _He_ had Jack's blood on his hands.

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 _written to: U2/Cedars of Lebanon_

 _please R &R! Thank you!_


	33. The Confession

The Confession  
 _Camp David, 11:05 a.m._

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As Jack stepped out onto the porch of the Camp David main house, he was almost blinded by the series of flashlights that felt like a hail of bullets, along with the blazing midday sun, coming right down on his face.  
He didn't care too much. Audrey had carefully picked the site for the press conference that he had scheduled for eleven, 30 minutes past the deadline that he had been given.  
Outside of the building. In the blinding sun.  
Nobody cared about the sunglasses that he wore … to hide the eyes that could have spoken volumes about what he'd been through in the past hours and how high as fuck he still was… again?

He couldn't allow himself to think of the speaker's desk in front of him as if it was a slathering block- where soon, they'd slice him up and tear his carefully guided private life out into the public. It was only a matter of time, when they'd come at him for his past with drugs. Only a matter of time, when they'd come at him for his CIA past, only a matter of time until the first relative of somebody who _he_ had killed would step out into the public accusing him of something ugly that he had committed, for sure.

All tensed up, Jack stepped up to the rostrum.  
There was no sheet of paper there, nobody had prepared what to say.  
He felt Audrey's eyes staring at his back. She stood somewhere behind him, expecting him to do the _right_ thing.  
He hadn't even had time yet to talk to Xin Yapeng.  
He hadn't even had time to decide what was the right thing yet.

Expectantly, the crowd stuck their dictaphones towards him.

* * *

 _Camp David stables, 1 hour earlier_

Holding Audrey in his arms, Jack thoughtfully stared past her, at the black screen of Harry's notebook. He was so afraid of asking that question - but now or never.  
„Have they ever… come on to you again?", he asked her, afraid of the possible truth.

 _No,_ Audrey shook her head, _never._  
She felt Jack tighten his embrace. He buried his face at her neck. He didn't cry. But if he had, he would cried out of relief.  
Eventually, she slung her arms around his body as well, whispering into his ear- „do you know what the hardest thing of all is?"  
„What?"  
„Saying it" _,_ she continued, „and seeing it. Saying that you became a victim. Seeing a loved one becoming a victim."

As an answer he just held her closer. He found no words to say as an answer. He sniffed.  
 _I want you to feel the same kind of pain that I feel -_ it had been Renee's words, years ago. They had never left his mind, ever since.  
As she had said them for the first time, he hadn't understood them. It had taken him years first to find out what she had meant, and then a very long time to cope with it.

„You feel the same kind of pain that I do.", he said, quietly, to Audrey. „I never wanted you to face all that."

„Yours was worse.", she answered, stroking softly over his hair. She had only _seen_ it. He had _gone through_ it.  
He slightly shook his head, saying _no_. „Something like that goes by… a few days later the hurt stops and all you have to do is hide it. One day you'll even forget it ever happened." But not knowing _a loved one getting raped_ and it was the own fault. That wound never healed- that was a memory that wouldn't fade once the physical wounds healed.

Audrey watched him, spellbound, as he let go of her, straightened up, and then took his gun that had lain in her lap.

„Put it away", he silently said, lying it back into her hand after a while, thinking _or I'll probably shoot myself after telling you what I'm about to tell you._

Helplessly stared at his gun in her hands, unsure how to get rid of it. Eventually, she stood up, swung her arm, throwing it back over the brattice, into the hay. Out of sight.

As she sat down again, a cold shiver ran down her back. Jack sat opposite her, his elbows resting at his knees, as he began to talk.

„Twelve years ago, short before I was due to go to Mexico, undercover with the Cartel, Kim came to me. We fought, like most of the days since Teri's death." He wondered how calm his voice was, „I hadn't known it before, nobody had told me, it hadn't been put in any one of the reports because they all knew I'd have access to anything. On the day she died, Teri had gotten raped, Kim told me. Teri had tried to hide it from me." For the first time since Audrey had injected the drugs into his arm, tears welled in his eyes. He looked into hers. „She knew I loved her, damn it- why didn't she trust me enough to speak about it?"

Audrey was so glad that they had gotten rid of the gun. Hell seemed to break lose within him, as he tore his worst memories out.

„So if I ask you _now_ … Audrey…", he continued, hesitatingly, „… if Cheng's men had ever come back on you-" his eyes connected with hers, „is your answer still the same or were you only trying to shield me from the ugly truth, as she did?"

Audrey shook her head, slightly. She could have been angry that he still believed it to be possible that she had lied to him. But what he said… felt real. Present. Not like it had been more than a decade ago. She _understood_ every decision Teri had made back there.  
„She didn't want to be the victim in your eyes.", Audrey quietly spoke.

 _Yes,_ he took a deep breath and held it „just like I don't want to be a victim in everyone's eyes."

She perfectly understood him.  
The deadline came closer with every minute, until which he could still resign and keep it all a secret.  
She should have let him leave. _No, this treaty is a last chance to prevent a war._ What she expected him to do was more than anyone could be asked to do. _This is a small price for one to pay for the sake of so many._

„How did you cope with it, back then?", she asked him, fighting the lump in her throat.

„I left the house.", Jack said. He wondered how calm he was. „I went to my car. Drove to the guy whose name the DEA had given us. Bought shit… got wasted somewhere, telling myself it was justified because of the mission. The next day I went back to CTU making up a story why our planned cover wouldn't work… and I made up a new cover story that would perfectly hide what I was doing." He made a pause, telling himself not to drift away from the topic too far. „Kim and I never talked about it again. Ever."

* * *

She expected him to the _right_ thing. And he owed her.

Now, he still had all options- he could resign right here and now. The deadline was already over, but this way he could at least run from the worst consequences… or maybe not. Nobody forced him to be in this office. He could still pack it all in and leave. Leave the responsibility to somebody else.

He had to start talking soon.  
The frenzy of camera flashes got less and eventually died completely.  
As he opened his mouth to speak he still didn't know what to say.

* * *

„I'm sure Kim was sorry.", Audrey told him.

Jack shrugged. „I don't know. She only said the truth." _to hurt him, on purpose._ No matter if right or not, he always protected her.  
He massaged the palm of his left hand, like he did so often. His view came to rest upon the tattoo on his left forearm. And every time the black ink reminded him of what _he_ had done to himself. It hadn't been Ramon or Cheng or anyone else. It had been _his_ decision. „I've been on and off ever since." Saying it - confessing this for the first time, to himself and another person … during detox they had once told him it would take the pressure off him and make him free. They had been right.  
Everybody who had ever known of his problems had found it out by chance or through government files. He had _never_ talked to anyone, including the therapist who had tried to ‚guide' him back in detox. She had soon given up.

Audrey felt she had to do something. „This time, I made that decision for you.", she remarked, lying her hand at his arm.

He shook his head, _no._ „you didn't." Seeing the small blood stain on the sleeve of his shirt reminded him that he would eventually have to get through detox, again. It was a horrible prospect. „I've been on oxy and cocaine for months. This was a small step only."

„Ten years ago…", she began-

He knew what she wanted to ask. „No. I wasn't. Not then.", he answered her, without having to listen to her question. Seeing her beautiful face, the same like ten years ago even educed a little smile from him. „That was the only good time I had, in the past ten years.", referring to the time when he had lived in DC, with her. „Believe me."

„And after you had ‚died'?"

He shook his head. „I was close. But no."

She didn't dare to carry on asking. Then there had been Cheng.  
Of course, Cheng had used every possible weapon against him.

Silently they both looked into each other's eyes.  
She had seen him, full of some drugs that Cheng had given him.  
„He made me go through a constant detox… on and off again. I can't remember for how long."  
Audrey couldn't remember either. At some point, her memories of China faded as well, most likely because of something that they had given _her_ , too.

„How much can you remember at all?", she cautiously asked, trying to leave him a way out by saying he wouldn't remember.  
He still was miraculously calm. „A few months at the beginning, I guess… until a few days after the day when I got shot at. There's a huge blackout afterwards. And later on, they transferred me to some kind of a labor camp."

He didn't have the heart to ask her _and you_? Looking in her eyes, he wordlessly told her that he couldn't handle an answer. For such a long time he had tried not to think of her in China. It still broke his heart to imagine what she had been through.

Before it gut unbearable, he stood up.

Audrey watched him as he went over to the haystack behind the brattice to retrieve his gun. It didn't take him long to find it.

„Let's go.", he said passing by her, taking his bag and jacket from where she had left it. „We better go back. I have to call Kim before the press conference."

* * *

He owed her to do the right thing. Doing that felt like making up for all the suffering in the past.

 _Around the globe, thousands and thousands of people are in the service of their home countries. They like to see themselves as ‚soldiers' although nobody, including themselves, or the Geneva convention, would ever give them the benefit of soldiers' rights.  
They operate below the radar and below the law. We as politicians, we are not supposed to talk about them or even with them. It will blacken our names, we're told. We shouldn't be in contact with anyone who undermines the law we're promoting. _

_But we also can't turn a blind eye to reality. These people are out there and this game is being played, no matter if we try to actively participate in it or surrender right at the beginning._

 _They and we, we both share a giant responsibility. It's the one to keep our country safe. It's the responsibility to make sure our people can sleep at night, are safe and are not constantly tormented by the fear of being at the brink of a war._

 _As President Taylor asked me to be part of her administration, she did so because she knew that I had seen both sides of the medal. I know this world and the other. I came to hate that other world. I came to love this world - for a reason.  
A year ago I swore to do everything to keep you- the people of this country- safe. I swore that again, two days ago, not to the Chief Justice, but to _you all _._

 _Today will be an historic day, signing a treaty that will make a country our ally which wasn't for the past decades, making all our lives safer. Making the future reliable.  
Skeptics keep telling me this is the wrong way. Objectors are even trying to undermine this historic agreement by actively trying to prevent it and stultify it. They are going to publish things to show the whole world that it would be the wrong way. _

_In the end, they will reach nothing with this. Because every detail proves how much we need this agreement. How much we need to address others with dignity and build alliances and not enmity._

 _What you will see might disturb you. It shows only once more that people who are working below the law won't be treated with law. It's impossible to give basic rights to someone who doesn't uphold basic rights.  
There is only one way to end such behavior, and that is to eliminate the need to send such people to such missions. By tearing down borders and overcoming enmity. By making allies instead of stirring up fear. This is our goal for today and aim for the future. _

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	34. Campaign Speech

_Couldn't leave it like this... I needed a closure for today. Have fun!_

 **.**

 **Campaign Speech**

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Jack was just about to get going.

 _There's a man out there- a president- of a very big country. You all know his name, I don't have to say it aloud._

He paused, looking out into the crowd in front of him. Speaking these lines so far had made him free. Audrey's stare on his back - he felt it, he was sure that she was there, without having to look back, standing somewhere behind him- felt no longer like a dagger forcing him to air his private life. On the contrary.

He channelled all the stirred up emotions into anger and power, instead of trying to swallow them down any longer.  
For sure, Parker was the source of the video somehow. Parker had economic connections to the Russians that he preferred to the good of the country. Parker and Suvarov.  
Suvarov.  
Renee.  
Petrovsky.

Jack remembered how much he had loved David Palmers enthusiastic speeches. They had been personal.  
He couldn't hide his private life any longer if he wanted to do this job _good._ To make this job good, he needed to _become_ the job, the President - not just act like one.

 _It was not long ago that this man told me I'd be unqualified for the job I'm doing here. He said it would take a long time and hard work to make a good President out of somebody who had been an ‚agent' - saying this, as a man who had been an ‚agent' himself._

 _There's one thing he was right at: It takes a lot of time and a lot of change to leave this dark world below the law behind and become not just a ruler of a nation but a President for the_ people _of it.  
The last time I wore a badge of one of our government's intelligence organizations is ten years ago. I've seen the world, I've lived in every class and I've seen every struggle that there is out there, believe me. First handed. I've been at rock bottom! I know how the vast majority of this country lives like! I have fought my way back up! I didn't bring CIA, MI or CTU or whatever job I ever worked in with me as came into this office!  
I left this all behind me, not like others. I left that behind for a reason._

 _Two weeks ago, I reached out towards this man, towards the country represented by this man - on behalf of the US. And what did we get in return, as an offer?  
He tried to fool us. He tried to make a deal where in the same moment they would have come in through the back door, robbing our nation's heart! _

He just got going, channeling his hate against Petrovsky, Page and Parker along with Suvarov's attempted treason into a speech.

 _I don't call somebody like this a President!  
We didn't go for an agreement just to have an ‚agreement' - I want an agreement with a real benefit! For _both _sides, and no_ fake _deals! -_ he roared into the microphone -

 _This man is not more than a simple agent to me. Trying to build law and undermining it at the very same moment! Agreements are to be kept, not exploited!_

He had talked himself into rage.  
Looking out into the crowd he took a few moments to calm down and catch his breath.

 _Today is a historic day. We're going to sign a historic agreement.  
In which we offer real benefit to all parties in it. No exploit. No fake deals and no stabbing the others in the back.  
There's a price to pay for this. One must _give _things to earn something in return. We will._

 _What we earn through this is a chance on stabilizing the most valuable, precious good on earth that there is: it's peace._

He took a deep breath, looking at the faces of these reporters, dressed in their good suits. Born and raised probably in DC, rich family, best college education… ass kissers of the DC political league and vice versa.

 _You don't even know how valuable that good is,_ he thoughtfully added, _I know most of my predecessors praised our military strength and everything… and somebody will try to make it sound like me praising peace is already an offense to our troops.  
But I'm telling you, _it's not _, and you better believe me, because I feel like I'm entitled to make this decision. I've seen it all. I was there. I've fought in so many conflicts, seeing so many men die and also seeing what our forces can achieve that I know exactly what is worth giving up and what not, to preserve peace.  
Allyson Taylor knew that as she asked me to be part of her team. She was confident- and so am I. That today, we're going to start a new era, leading us into an age of peace after so many attacks and so many losses we had here, on our soil. Whoever is still out there - we _will _have the power to fight them back and drive them away from our homes. So help us God!_

Exhausted, he stepped back from the rostrum.  
The journalists waited half a second until they started throwing questions at him. He'd not answer now.

 _Thank you,_ he silently said, before closing the press conference.

Still besieged by question, he stepped down from the rostrum.  
Like always, he was awaited by a crowd of applauding White House members.

There she was.  
She stood among them, having raised her hands too applaud him, too. There was a big smile on her face, one that he hadn't seen there, for a quite a while.

Right now, he only had eyes for her and that smile.  
Slowly he approached her, careful not to lose sight of everything else completely. He couldn't just lean over and kiss her out here in public, although he would have loved to do nothing else more than that.

„You did great", Audrey smiled at him.

Just saying _thank you_ was so inappropriate and so far too little after everything she had done for him in the past hours. She had saved this all. She had kept him from going insane.  
He couldn't await to see her somewhere in private, where he could tell her everything- and make them rip their clothes off and…  
He had probably five more seconds until somebody would start asking questions about him and Miss Heller - „they scheduled three meetings for _now_ and the ceremony with the Chinese is scheduled for 2 p.m. Can I -"

„No problem.", she interrupted his awkward try to ask her for forgiveness why he'd leave. „I'll see you there."

The entourage started moving, eventually taking him with them.

That smile. Walking down the hallway, back into the building, he treasured the picture.

 _Don't turn around,_ he told himself, _it'll only get rumors going._

He couldn't not turn around.  
Looking back, he found her still standing there, out in the sunlight. That beautiful face, framed by the beautiful blond hair the sunlight brightened even more, her classy dress… that smile.

It let him forget all the problems that he would have to deal with, eventually, later. Or never.

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 _I think Jack really deserves a happy end for once. He's been through enough. Thank you for reading!_

 _written to:  
_ _Kadavar/The old man  
_ _also inspired by:  
_ _speeches of POTUS#44_


	35. Past, catching up, pt I

Past, catching up, pt. 1

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 _Earlier, an hour before the press conference_

Silently, Audrey watched him put the gun back into the shoulder holster that he wore. He hadn't said a word, ever since telling her that he would eventually need to call Kim.  
He had simply put on his jacket again to hide the gun, the small spot of blood in the crook of his arm and the dirty white shirt underneath. Drowned in thoughts he held the door open and waited for Audrey to come over.

She took his bag with her, stealthily glancing at him. Had he decided already? That he'd go back and just sign the treaty, whatever to come?  
Somehow she didn't have the guts to ask him that right now, as his hand briefly touched the small of her back, leading her outside of the building.

Harry waited for them.

The two men exchanged silent glances, and then all three of them started walking back to the main house.  
Jack was glad that Harry was here. Out on the front he could see some reporters waiting for a story. If they'd see him and Audrey… bad. But all three … unsuspicious.

„The ultimatum is not yet expired", Harry remarked silently, as he saw Jack's worried glance at the reporters, „They don't know anything yet of what's about to come." As he said it, he wasn't so sure if he referred to the publication of that video or to Jack's possible resignation.

Jack looked at his wristwatch as they entered the building. Twenty minutes left to decide. He had already bought time, by scheduling a press conference at 11, which the one who was behind this blackmailing must have taken as giving in to the threat.

The place here was crowded with people, all over.  
He was glad that he was almost sober again, to shake hands and to keep up the nice smile and smalltalk that was expected of him.  
Ms. Montgomery, one of the many assistants already awaited them. Harry tried to block her off, but she wouldn't let him - halting all three of them.  
 _Mr. President - the Chinese President Xin Yapeng demands to speak to you._

She was taken aback by Jack's reaction - not asking her where or when, but only „Why?"

„He… wouldn't say.", she stammered as an answer. „He is waiting in room 7 over there."

That wasn't even ten yards away.  
He was there.  
There was only one reason why he was here now, twenty minutes before that ultimatum would end: they had received the video, too. To force pressure on him from all sides.

Harry somehow shooed the assistant away again while Jack and Audrey still stood there, exchanging worried glances.  
She could see it in his eyes that he didn't want to go in there. He wanted to run - far away from all the painful memories of the past and from the insults that would be bound to this getting public.

 _You have to go in there,_ she silently said to him.

 _I know,_ he murmured, slightly shaking his head, _but I don't wanna go in there._

She knew exactly how he felt. They were back to where they had been, an hour ago. But only this time, he was quite sober and the reality was even worse: because that deadline was another hour closer and the decision still not made. Now even the Chinese had seen what was going on inside this administration.

 _You have to,_ she pleaded, again, _I beg you._  
She reached out and grabbed his hand. Right now, she couldn't have cared less if somebody around here would see it. _I know it hurts. I know how you feel, when your past is being dragged out into the light and you're being judged by everyone who shouldn't even have a say in this…_

He sighed and looked over to the door of room 7.

Audrey felt his fingers close round hers, taking her hand into a firm grasp. He looked around, took his keycard and opened up an unoccupied room on their right. Harry was still talking to the others to calm the uproar upon the sudden unplanned appearance of the Chinese head of state as Jack tore Audrey into the room, locking the door from the inside.

She stood, her back against the wall, watching him tear his hair.

„Do you really want this?", he asked her. _Now_ they could talk.

„Yes, I do.", she answered. Loud and clear.

He came over to her, slightly shaking his head. „You don't even know what this means, Audrey."

„I do", she spat back, seeing him get angry.

He leant his hands against the wall, framing her head on both sides, almost intimidatingly. „No, YOU DON'T! The press will come to you, too. They will rip everything apart. They will ask you things that I won't ever want anyone to ask you." He desperately wanted her to understand what was going to happen but finally told himself to calm down.  
 _They will doubt if you really never said a word to the Chinese, dragging you into the dirt for saying something. They will ask you why you didn't speak to them but let them do this all to me, dragging you into the dirt for saying nothing,_ he spoke under his breath, coming closer to her every other second. _They will hold you and me responsible for things that we had no control over._ He needed her to understand what was really about to come.

„It's not going to be easy and it won't be over in two weeks time. This will stay with you and me for the rest of our lives."

She had nothing to say in return.  
Audrey only stood there and looked into his eyes in this barely lighted room.

„But what's the alternative to it?", she finally, silently asked him back.

He lowered his head. „Packing it all in, resign, leave."

„That's not an alternative.", she remarked.

He slightly shook his head and pushed himself away from the wall, turning around, walking over to the other side of the room. „To me, it is.", he said while walking.

„I don't believe you.", she answered, watching his back. „This country is at stake. You won't ever leave now, I _know_ you."

 _Right, you know me,_ Jack hissed, while he looked at the world map on the wall in front of him, the speaker's lectern on the podium and the giant star spangled banner that hung from the ceiling. _You know me…,_ he repeated, hissing it again. There was so much anger and hate inside him that he had always tried to kill and to silence.  
Out of a sudden, he turned around again, „YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME!", he shouted. „Tell me, for how long have you known me, Audrey, huh? HOW LONG? A month altogether, over the course of the past ten years!? Now you wanna decide over my life and tell yourself you know how I think?" He couldn't hold this back.

„I've known you long enough, Jack!", she shouted back and started walking towards him. „I remember everything as if it were yesterday!", referring to the time that they had spent together.  
She stopped in the middle of the room.

Silently for a moment they looked into each other's eyes. „This was ten years ago.", he breathed. „And in-between were the ten worst years of my life."

„I know that, Jack.", she silently answered him. „I was _there, too._ "  
She watched him standing up there, between the banner and the rostrum, in a mood between crying and exploding of anger.  
„I saw it all", she murmured, „every _no_ that you spat back at them. Every hit that you took… for this country. You won't leave now. This is who you are."

He took a deep breath. „Do you really wanna see who I am?", he provoked her, waiting for her reaction. As she didn't answer anything, he stormed back to the banner, grabbed it by it's edge and ripped it off the wall in one jolt.

She stood there, watching his back, saying nothing, hoping that he'd finally come to reason again. The star spangled banner lay at his feet.

Out of breath, Jack stood there, watching what he had done. If they hadn't been in here, he would have set it on fire just to show her in what mood he was.  
„I gave up too much for this country already.", he began. „I let people down who I should have protected _instead_ of _this country_. I ruined my own life and so many others'."

„You didn't ruin your life.", she derogatorily answered, „Look at yourself in the mirror. You're free, you're safe and you're the head of this state now, got money, Secret Service protecting you…"

The longer she spoke, the more he shook his head „But that doesn't change any more what already happened before I got here, Audrey."  
He let go of the fabric and turned away from it, back to her. „I'm going to tell Xin that he shouldn't worry. I'm going to resign and whoever follows will sign the treaty or discuss it again."

„Parker won't sign the treaty."

He didn't even react or look at her as she said that. Jack stepped down from the rostrum and went past her, to the door.

„Is this about Agent Walker?", Audrey called after him.

He stopped. Turned around.  
„Don't you…" _dare call out here name,_ he wanted to say. „You really think you're gonna hold me back by reminding me of one more thing this country took from me?"

„No." She shook her head. „But I know you killed her. Harry told me everything about that day… that you shot her. And it wasn't this country that took her away from you."

Jack felt his hear sink. He stared at Audrey, anger boiling inside him. But anger at who? Harry for telling her? At Petrovsky for making him do what he had done?

Audrey went a few steps towards him. But as she saw the sad look in his eyes, she stopped again.

„You really think this is about Renee?", Jack asked her, silently.

 _Maybe,_ she silently breathed.

He shook his head. „This is about _you_ and _me_ , Audrey.", looking into her eyes, „And I don't want to repeat the mistakes that I made in the past… all the times I put the lives of my family second to the country."

Hesitatingly she went another step towards him, unable to say one word.

He looked into her eyes, silently, as she stopped a few feet in front of him.

 _Jack…,_ she silently began speaking, but she didn't know what to say. This outburst of anger that he had had- she suddenly realized it had only been anger towards himself.  
She wished to say something like _you didn't do anything wrong,_ to him, but she knew that saying it would be a big lie and would make nothing better.

The closer the moment came when he would have to make that decision, the more it all overwhelmed him, just like today morning. „I don't want to do this.", he whispered, „I won't sell our lives out for the greater good."

Hesitatingly she approached him, unsure if he would freak out once more or stay calm. She framed his face with her both hands. „What if I want you to do it?"

„You don't even know the consequences of this, Audrey. You don't know how it feels to be on a never-ending guilt trip."

„You think I don't?", she grabbed him harder, looking into his eyes, „I do." Right in front of her stood the man whom she had watched getting tortured over weeks and months, „I could have ended all your suffering at once, but I didn't."

„That's not comparable to…", he started, but she interrupted him-

„I know exactly how a never-ending guilt trip feels like, Jack.", she hissed, „and you're gonna have one if this treaty fails and a war starts. You won't enjoy your life any longer then."

He remained silent. One way or they other, he'd be on a guilt trip, they both knew.

She cupped his cheek with her hand, forcing him to look into her eyes. „Whatever comes, Jack… I forgive you in advance for tearing me into it.", she told him. „And for anything else that ever happened and you hold yourself responsible for."

He closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against hers. She had made it impossible to say ‚no' now.

Audrey still knew that he wanted to say no, resign and leave this all behind.  
She grabbed his hand, holding it tight. „You're not alone in this, when you go out there. We were in this together, all these years… and no matter if the public knows about it or not" she forced him to look into her eyes, „this is who we are."

He knew she was right.

And she knew he'd do the right thing.

.

.

.

 _All my dear reviewers, yes you were right - that thing really resolved to quickly and was in need for some closure -  
_ _And I promise, there will be an Epilogue... some day._


	36. Arlington

**Arlington**

.

.

.

.

 _Camp David, the day after the signature_

A smile on her face, Audrey stepped back into the sleeping room, closing the bathroom door silently behind her, not to make any noise to wake Jack up.

He lay alone in bed, an arm still outstretched towards the place where she had laid before.

Cautiously she got back on the bed- but he opened his eyes as the mattress moved, murmuring a sleepy _good morning._

 _Hey,_ she silently murmured back and leant over, to kiss him. „How are you feelin?", slightly referring to the evening before when she hadn't got around noticing that some withdrawal symptoms had haunted him.

„I'm okay…", he tiredly answered, wishing she wouldn't have asked him and wouldn't have reminded him. Now that they were back in his mind, the withdrawal symptoms came back at once. „How long did I sleep?"

„It's eleven", she smiled as she saw how shocked he was upon hearing this, „I turned off the alarm… I was told there's nothing on your schedule for today."

He smiled back and slung his arms around her, tearing her down to him for a long kiss.

The day before had felt like a roller coaster ride between good and bad, success and worst defeat, the signature of the treaty and being teared apart in the media for it.  
He had met her, briefly, right before the signature ceremony. As he had come into his quarters, only to take a quick shower and change his clothes, she had been waiting for him already, right here.

Audrey squeaked as he grabbed her by her waist and rolled their bodies to the edge of the bed, to stand up.

„What… are you… doing?", she asked him, in between kisses.

„You'll see", he just answered and carried her with him, just like yesterday, into the shower.  
Though they had only had a few minutes of time, they had spent every second that they'd had, savoring each other's body. He had almost been late for the ceremony with the Chinese officials. Parker, his Secretary of State, had been there, too, not even greeting him at all. He had soon found out that the relationship with almost all of the members of the cabinet was frostier than with the Chinese officials.

The press had besieged him and Audrey in the time after the ceremony, but for now they had pretty much kept back from asking the worst questions. That was sure to come.

Closing dinner in the evening. Although he would have wanted to attend it with her, they had both agreed that it would be best to go there separately.  
He had seen the relief in Heller's eyes, when she had entered the room alone, always keeping a fair distance between them, even though she was almost as besieged by the press as the President himself.

Secretly, he had watched her. Had watched her during the official dinner, and after it, as she had been dancing with some of the other delegations' members.  
He had been watching from far, mostly standing by the bar, sipping at a glass of Whiskey that fortunately kept the withdrawal symptoms a little bit at bay. She was classy. She wore an elegant dress. Handled every one of these politicians politely and with respect. Never got too close to anyone. Chose the ones with whom she was speaking carefully.

Watching her, he didn't even realize that it suddenly was James Heller who stood next to him, by the bar, watching her, too.

He jerked as he turned around just to put down his glass and suddenly found the old man next to him.

For a moment they said nothing - they hadn't spoken to each other ever since this morning, when Heller and Harry had showed him the video.  
Jack somehow still wondered why the old man had been so calm at showing him this. He would have expected him to carry a gun and shoot him into the face, after he had seen what had happened to his only daughter.

„What do you plan, Jack?", he asked, silently enough to let nobody else listen to their conversation.

„Nothing. We haven't planned anything yet.", Jack answered, adding, „We didn't even talk about anything yet."

„I see.", James Heller answered, but didn't believe him. He believed Jack wouldn't tell him about their plans, anyway.

While they both watched Audrey dance with someone, Jack couldn't hold it back- „why didn't you just shoot me today morning?", he asked, „I expected you to stand up any other second and do it."

Heller sneered. „It wouldn't have changed anything, Jack.", he answered, ordering a Whiskey for himself, too, „but some moments, I thought about it."

Jack sadly smiled, too. „It _would have_ changed things.", he said, not adding _it would have been best._  
„She wouldn't be besieged by the press right now… showing the world what she'd had to go through."

„Right.", Heller grunted. He got his Whiskey and took a sip without clinking glasses with Jack. „And that's exactly why I don't want you to be around her. You never made her life better, Jack, always worse. You endanger her every other second you're around her." He waited until Jack would turn over and look into his eyes before he continued, „We both know that you will be back in front of the supreme court, defending yourself, when they'll dig out your CIA past and when somebody comes along one day whose son or father you have murdered…"

He said nothing because he knew that James Heller's look into the future was a very possible one.

„Do you remember the year 1998, Jack? As Hillary Clinton publicly defended her husband and later everybody laughed at her because her defense had been so ridiculous and all the others had been so right?"

Heller seemed to wait for a yes, but he didn't get one.  
Of course Jack remembered that story, when the whole world had made fun of the first lady who had tried to clear her husband's name by denying what he had done - making a fool out of herself because she had probably known the truth already.

„I see her standing out there, taking up the cudgels for you, probably saying that you haven't tortured anyone, ever, in your life, or haven't ever killed anyone except for war and self-defense…", Heller carried on, „and she'll make a fool out of herself only because she loves you."

Heller knew he was right. He saw Jack's features tremble. The President looked away for a moment because he could neither stand Heller's eyes or the sight of Audrey, happily dancing over there.

As he dared to turn back, Heller finished his glass, put it on the bar and left, wordlessly.

.

Silently Jack watched Audrey sit at the table across him, having breakfast together. They hadn't yet spoken about the future, somehow he was afraid to do so- because once more, Heller was right with every word that he'd said.

She had left the party after the dinner around 11, and he had followed as soon as he'd found out that she was gone… that time she had been waiting for him already here… but they hadn't talked that much.

„What's on your mind?", Audrey asked him, seeing how thoughtful he was.

„Nothing", he tried to soothe her, putting on a smile instead and reaching out for her hand.

She looked so great.. her smile that could melt away every one of his bad thoughts at once. But eventually they would have to talk about the future. He decided with something easy. „What are you gonna do today evening?", meaning where she would sleep tonight.

She shrugged. „At home…", she began, „… where else?"

Part of him was relieved that the decision was thus postponed, part was sad that her answer had come so prompt.

„Everything okay?", she asked, affected by his sudden silence.

„Sure.", he quickly answered, putting on a smile. „How do you go back to DC?"

„I already booked a flight, leaving 9 p.m."

He nodded, refraining from saying _you could have joined me._ She knew it better. In public, she'd keep her distance, meaning that she wouldn't fly with him in the Air Force One.

She stood up and came over to him, sitting down on the free chair next to him so the table wouldn't part them. „I know why you ask.", she remarked and softly placed an arm round his neck, leaning against his body. „We should talk about what we're gonna do."

 _Yes, we should,_ he silently murmured as an answer and put his arm around her, too, placing a soft kiss on her head. „What about the day after tomorrow?"

This time she only smiled for an answer. „We'll find a way, Jack… When do you move to the White House?"

„Secret Service wants me to be there by no later than a month's time."

„Okay." She grabbed his coffee and sipped at it. Amusingly, they both liked their coffee the same way. „Harry said he'd get the few things he had at my place today."  
She sighed and looked up to him. „But you shouldn't really come to my place…"

„Secret Service would freak out if I stayed the night.", he smiled back at her and bent down to give her a kiss.  
And James Heller would freak out, too. Audrey's flat was right upstairs from where he lived.

„We'll find a solution", she told him, made him bend down and kiss her. „Trust me. I'll come to your place tomorrow." She gave him another, long kiss, „and I'll stay the night."

Part of him was glad that she would be coming to him.  
But what Heller had said was also true.

* * *

 _Arlington Cemetery, three days later_

Compared to the easy atmosphere in Camp David, being back in Washington DC was a frosty change. Constantly watched by the press and the public, constantly besieged by politicians and other lickspittles. And worst of all: under the constant watch of James Heller.

Jack was very aware of what he was doing with every step he made out in public.

Being here at Allyson Taylor's funeral accompanied by Audrey got even more attention than the real event. And the old man raged about it.

She had left no discussion about it.

Two days ago, she had come to him in the evening, as promised, having been picked up by the secret service with a dark limo. The grounds of the Vice President residence were so wide that they didn't need to be afraid of anyone watching.  
She had stayed the night, seeing that he was still fighting some withdrawal symptoms… well, more giving in to them as fighting them. She had stayed with him ever since, helping him to get through this.

There was not much that she could do. Every other thing, like trying to talk about it, would only remind him once more of his need to shoot up or take some pills that made the symptoms better.

Standing here, at the Arlington cemetery, she unobtrusively glanced at him. He was calm right now, looking collected and elegant. But she knew that he had it under control only so far. There would be good days and there would be bad days to come. Up to now, there were more bad than good days. He had been besieged by the press and the congress members who liked to tear him and this treaty into pieces.

The funeral was over as quickly as it had began. Drowned in the own thoughts, everyone had stood here for the past hour, listening to the speeches and the ceremonious music.  
They had been the first to come here and were the last ones to leave in that long row of people who now walked down the hill.

Chloe O'Brian had come here, too, walking with them and James Heller.

In a moment where it would go unnoticed, she closed in on Audrey, giving her a sheet of paper with her phone number on it, reading _call me._

.

.

.


	37. Vengeance

Vengeance  
 _6 years ago_

.

.

"James, it's a pity what happened to her." His compassion was not feigned. He had known Audrey for quite a while, she had always been a classy lady, eloquent and fashionable. Now she was nothing like that. Even though he hadn't seen her for more than a few seconds, he knew that her condition was far worse than James Heller had told him.

"Thank you, Michael.", Heller murmured and put his glass down. The two of them sat on the veranda, here in his L.A. beach house.

"You know, James, I have a son, Miles. If anything like that ever happened to him, I wouldn't know what to do.", he sighed, "You're holding up well."

"Do I have a choice?", Heller sadly answered and sipped at his whiskey once more. "I can only hope that she'll get better one day. It's still better than yesterday- when I still lived believing that I had lost her completely."

"James, she _will_ get better, I'm sure. If you want to, you can always contact Miles and ask him for help. You know, he's a doctor at one of San Francisco's best private clinics. He can get you any specialists…"

"Thank you, Michael… it's never bad to get a second opinion.", James sighed, "but right now I'm more worried about her safety than her health." He hadn't initially wanted to say that, but during the past moments, Jack Bauer's continuous appearances around here had worried him more than the thought that only the second or third best doctor in the whole world would treat Audrey.

Michael Anderson startled upon hearing that. "How come?" He had come here to talk about an arms contract, as he had somehow stumbled into Heller's private crisis, finding him already drowned in a few whiskeys too much and talkative as it was rarely the case.

Heller realized that he had already said way too much. "That's a very complicated case, Michael." He took a deep breath and leant back, "One that I can't really talk about. I'll have to take care of that myself."

"Fair enough." Anderson leant back, too, looking out onto the ocean. In their business, there were loads of things that couldn't be talked about.  
Eventually, he reached into his pocket and pulled a card out of his wallet. He slowly slid it over to Heller. "Here."

Hesitatingly, Heller grabbed the card. There was only one phone number on it. No name, no picture, no company.

"If you want something to be done…", Anderson explained, "Maybe they can help you."

"Michael, I really can't…"

"I know what you're about to say, James.", he cut him off, "It's not bound to anything. See it as a personal favor. I would never want anything like what happened to Audrey happen to my children."

Still hesitating, Heller looked at the phone number on the card once more. That were Anderson's henchmen. Of course, that was the business. Every major defense contractor had them. Officially just personal security, unofficially… who knew. Anderson left those things unsaid, on purpose.  
They could take care of his problem… or could they?

He sat there, staring at the card for quite a while. Anderson watched his from the corner of his view. He could almost read the old man's thoughts, and his final decision, as he murmured a silent _thank you_ and then put the card into his own pocket.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

The White House  
 _now_

Without Harry at his side, the DC jungle felt even more intimidating. Part of him was glad that he had found such a good solution to his problem – getting the former Chief of Staff out of his and Audrey's lives, after he had betrayed him for the party – but part of him missed the person who had always been there, guiding him through that political jungle, the endless meetings and who had kept the politicians and spit lickers at bay.

He still felt displaced around here, even though he had been doing this kind of work for half a year now. He sat in a meeting about a topic which he had no idea of. Several politicians and their advisors from the department of health sat around the table and discussed their matters so vividly, that he would have liked to laugh aloud. There were bigger problems than theirs. Real problems, like the ongoing crisis between them and Suvarov, in which he had prevented a direct Russian attack and the provoking of an unnecessary retaliation strike for General Petrovsky's attacks.  
At the moment, he couldn't have cared less about 2 per cent difference in any health services budget. He didn't have the feeling that he could contribute to their discussion. Slowly, over the course of the past months, he had learned how this worked. They were only here to present their arguments. They'd fight and make him hear their well-defined positions. But they wouldn't come to any agreement. The fight would go on until he'd exercise his authority and declare one side the winner.

He leant back into the chair and kept listening, but his thoughts were carried far, far away. Allyson Taylors funeral- it had been only hours ago. Not even a day ago, he and Audrey had made the decision to attend the funeral together, leaving a raging James Heller behind.  
They both hadn't wanted to make their relationship that was just about to start all over again public so early. But it hadn't taken the press longer than a few minutes to find out that the other person on that leaked Chinese interrogation footage was Heller's daughter. During the past days they had come after her, mercilessly, inquisitively, asking her about her days in China.  
For a while, he had feared that she'd break under that pressure, that she'd even fall back into the same mental state that she'd been in, when she had come home, years ago. He had been in no position to shield her from all this, but now he was. Declaring her a family member meant that she'd get a 24 / 7 watch by the Secret Service.  
He simply had to take her out of that line of fire. Give the press something else to write about, give the people something else to care about. It hadn't been that hard to persuade her to join him at the Taylor funeral.  
By now, the press at least didn't write only about her ordeal any more. They had quickly moved on to speculations about their relationship. It wasn't comfortable to read about this either, but in contrast to the days when they had only asked about China, it was at least bearable.

Audrey had kept up well. To think about her made that warm, homelike feeling come back. For a moment, he wondered where she was right now. In the morning, she had told him that she wanted to meet a friend, somewhere in the city. He had instructed the secret service to keep her under constant watch. Nothing was allowed to happen to her. No reporters to be allowed to harass her.  
But instead of sitting here, he still wanted to be out there, to take care of that himself.

Three days. They had besieged him and Audrey three full days about the video tape. He had placed an information ban on it. It wasn't allowed to be shown on any broadcast and in any official media, earning him several complaints about censorship and freedom of press.

One of the attendees of the meeting turned towards him, "Mr. President, we would also like to hear your opinion about it." He got no answer.

The secret service agents at the door looked kind of restless. One of them must have gotten a radio call about something that disturbed him a lot. Jack saw him get restless, the two leading agents were silently discussing something.

"Mr. President?", the official of the department of health asked again, for his opinion.

"Not now.", Jack rebuffed him, raising his hand to tell him to be silent. The agents hadn't stopped talking – still discussing, but so silent that none of them could hear a word.

The officials followed Jack's view to the agents.

As it got silent in the room, the two of them suddenly became aware that everyone was staring at them.

Slowly, Jack stood up, looking directly into their eyes. "Gentlemen…. Is there a problem?", he asked, already knowing the answer. He had been in this business for too long. If something became escalated to the level of the Secret Service Agent in his office, it definitely was a problem. He had been in this situation so often – trying to get through to the president, being rebuffed by the last line of Secret Service.

The higher ranking one of them cleared his throat, "Sir, there's might something you'd like to discuss … in private. It concerns the security parameter we set up for Ms. Heller."

The officials of the department of health would wonder for days how suddenly and how brusquely they had gotten thrown out.

Tensed up, Jack approached the agents that still stood there, waiting for the last ones of the politicians to leave. "What's the matter?"

"Ms. Heller met with this person after the funeral", the agent took out his phone and showed Jack a surveillance picture of a woman in a park. "Former CTU data analyst and clearance level 7"

Jack glanced at the picture. "That's Chloe O' Brian, and she's a friend.", he got angry, "Don't tell me you were afraid of _her_."

"No Sir, but Mrs. O'Brian was being followed by 3rd party troops, leading them into our security perimeter."

"Who were they?"

"We don't know yet, Sir.", showing Jack another picture, "Because of the extended perimeter, we managed to take a few of them into custody. Some others escaped without fighting."

"Where are they now?"

"On the way to the pentagon.", the agent answered.

Jack slightly shook his head. "Don't. Bring them here.", he ordered, walking back to his desk. He had a slight feeling of who these troops belonged to. Unnoticed, he took a gun out of the drawer at his desk. "Let's go and see them."

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

It all had gotten so fast that Audrey still couldn't believe what was going on. The Secret Service had driven her to the Mayfield Memorial Park, where she had wanted to meet Chloe. Ever since she had 'moved up' in society, the safety precautions had risen enormously.  
Several agents had strolled through the park, clearing it, while she had waited for Chloe to arrive.  
They had seen her from far, coming towards her. But then, suddenly, one of the agents had grabbed her, tearing her back to the car, telling her that it wasn't safe any more to be here because some men had followed Chloe.

She had yelled at them, telling them that had to take care of her, too, but their car had already driven off. _She'll be taken care of,_ was all what they had told her. She had only seen Chloe again – for a very short time – as they had been brought here, to the White House. Why not the Pentagon, as they had said before? Jack had to be behind this all, somehow.

"I request to see the President.", she told the Agent who led her through the underground hallways of the back yard.

"Ma'am, I don't have the authority to decide upon that.", the agent answered.

"Are you holding me here as a captive or what?" She stopped walking and took out her cell phone to call Jack.

"Ma'am, it won't work down here.", the man pitifully spoke.

She soon found it out herself, that there was no reception down here, beneath some feet of steel reinforced concrete. "I won't go anywhere unless you get me Jack on the phone. I know yours works down here. And I want to speak to Mrs. O' Brian."

It needed a while until she could convince the agent. He lead her down a different hallway, to a few nicely furnished Secret Service rooms, where in one of them, Chloe was held. They hadn't told her anything of what was going on.  
At least they seemed not to think of her as a danger, because they let her go in there alone.

For a moment, the two women just looked at each other and waited for what would happen next. Would the door be ripped open, would an agent come back in?

Nothing like that happened.

They both stammered an awkward _hi_ , regarding the strange circumstances under which they met now.

"Did they treat you well?", Audrey dared to ask her.

Chloe nodded her head, stood up, and came over to her. "They took away my computer."

"They? The Secret Service? Or these others?"

"No, the Secret Service." She felt naked without her computer. The things that she had wanted to tell Audrey… well, she could still do that, but right now, she had no evidence to prove that all.

Audrey came a bit closer, so they could talk in silence. "Do you know who these people are, that had followed you?"

Chloe nodded her head in silence.

"You have to tell Jack.", Audrey hissed at her, but Chloe only shook her head.

"No. I will tell that to you.", she began, "not Jack. Because that's why I wanted to meet you."

Audrey looked back over her shoulder to make sure that the door was really closed and the agents wouldn't listen. They couldn't be sure anyway. "Tell me."

"They are Michael Anderson's henchmen.", Chloe began.

"Why are they after _you_?"

"Because I stumbled upon something, as I searched for the source of that Chinese interrogation surveillance vide-"

She stopped talking right in the moment as one of the agents ripped the door open, saying "The President is here to meet you."  
A few seconds later, Jack came into the room.

He noticed the sudden silence, looked at the women and after a while, he pulled the door behind him closed.  
He went over to Chloe, gave her a short hug to say hello and then he gave Audrey a kiss. "What have you been talking about?", he asked, knowing that he'd be opening a can with worms.

"About these men.", Audrey told him, hesitatingly. Chloe gave her an angry look that Jack also noticed.

"What do you know about them?", he asked her.

Chloe didn't know where to start. She had found out so many things in the past days that every sentence could be another step into a giant minefield.

"Chloe?" He went a few steps closer and looked into her eyes. "What's up? You know something about them."

She nodded her head.

"… but you don't want to talk about it?" Part of him got angry, but the haunted look in her eyes told him to stay calm. "What is so bad about this?"

As Chloe looked into his eyes, she couldn't find any words to say. She had known him for years. He had changed- but behind the neat suit and his new position there were still the same blue eyes in which she looked right now. "You're not gonna like this."

"And that's a reason not to tell me?" He shook his head slightly, "Do you know how ridiculous this sounds, Chloe?"

As Chloe looked at him she didn't just see the 48th President of this state. It was the same man that she had seen on that video tape made by Chinese interrogators, years ago. Though he had pretty much banned it from all the regular news stations and websites she had seen it in full length by now. Seen him get beat up, raped and shot at. Where she had found it, there had even been more of that surveillance material.  
It was the same man who she had read about in the logs of Michael Anderson's henchmen. One that they had tried to kill, six years ago, on behalf of James Heller.

"They are Michael Anderson's henchmen.", she told him, trying to see how he'd react.

Jack froze. "Why were they after Audrey?" Stupid question. There was a bunch of reasons which he already knew. Revenge was only one of them.

"They weren't after her. They came after me, because they didn't want me to find this all out."

Jack said nothing, waiting for her to continue. Part of him was glad that Audrey wasn't their primary target, but the situation was still frightening enough.  
"How did you find out these are Anderson's henchmen?"

She couldn't hold it back any longer, she had to tell him everything now. Now matter how grieving that all was. "A few days ago, you wanted me to find the source of that leaked video, do you remember?"

Jack nodded. "Anderson?"

She imperceptibly nodded her head yes.

Jack took a deep breath and went a few steps through the room. His eyes met Audrey's. He didn't want Chloe to continue. These things, all of them, should be buried somewhere as a faint memory. Not torn out into the light again.

He saw it in Audrey's eyes that all the bad news about her former family affected her. "Are you sure you want to listen to this?", he silently asked her and brushed a strand of hair out of her face.

"No", she whispered back, shaking her head. She was smiling sadly. "But I will."  
She reached out and grabbed his hand, pressing it tightly for a moment. She was in this with him together, just as she had promised him.

"How did he get this footage?", Audrey asked Chloe.

"James Heller."

Audrey let go of Jack's hand at once. Hi features had frozen stiff, but that could mean nothing good.

"But it's not what you think now. Anderson got it six years ago, from your dad, Audrey." Chloe saw Jack's back rise and fall with every deep and angry breath that he took. There was no going back now – now she had to tell him everything, uncut, unfiltered. "A few days ago, Jack, when we spoke on the phone… you told me that you had expected Heller to stand up and shoot you, after seeing that footage- you told me that you'd been astounded he wasn't as shocked about it as you had thought he would be. But truth is, he had seen this video already, years ago and I don't know how many times in between."

"Where did he…"

"Philip Bauer." Chloe's voice shook, as she said it, almost the same as Jack's, as he had asked her. "That day he must have feared that Heller would still be one of your allies. Haven't you ever asked yourself why Heller hated you so much? After you brought Audrey and tried everything to be there for her?"

"Why Anderson?", Jack managed to stammer, between a few breaths.

"Michael Anderson came to Heller that day. I saw in his calendar that actually, he came to Heller only to discuss an arms deal… and by chance he stumbled into all of Heller's personal crisis with Audrey and with you. It seems like he took the opportunity and offered Heller some help."

"Help with what?", Audrey asked.

Jack didn't wait for Chloe to answer. "He leant him some men to do the dirty work." But to him, it still didn't make any sense. "But they didn't do anything, Chloe." Finally, he turned around to her. "I never had a confrontation with anyone of them."

"'re you really sure?"

The awkward silence was back in the room. Chloe new that it was expected of her to continue, but looking at him and Audrey, the words were hard to say.  
"They did their work very well, Jack.", she murmured, feeling endlessly sorry for him. "Heller must have told them a few details out of your past. When they tried to kill you, they tried to make it look like an overdose."

His eyes widened in horror.

"And you probably woke up the morning after," _thinking that you'd done that to yourself._

"Stop talking, Chloe.", he said.

He didn't need to ask her twice. She hadn't wanted to tell him all that anyway and she was more than glad that she could stop now.

"Jack…", Audrey began, lying a hand at his shoulder.

He shook her hand off and turned away, to the door. "Leave me alone", he murmured and left without any more words.

.

.

.

 _I'm sorry that it took me so long to update this.  
But I'm determined to bring this to an end! _


	38. Redemption

Redemption _The Vice President's Residence_

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.

As Audrey came home on that evening, no single light on the second floor of the house was on. The Vice President's residence, in which Jack sill lived until Allyson Taylor's relatives would move out of the White House stood lonely in that wide garden, on top of the small hill, overlooking the wealthy neighborhood. It was an intimidating building, but the fact that made it intimidating weren't it's white marble pillars at the entrance, but the secret service agents which surrounded it. One of the heavily guarded men held the door open for her and offered to take her wet umbrella. She hoped for some more privacy inside the house, but that wish was hardly ever fulfilled. There were people all around. A small office in the lower rooms, guards and agents on their usual rounds spying into all of the rooms for things they wouldn't find anyway.

Well, nearly all of the rooms. They - reluctantly - left out that part of the second floor in which Jack's private rooms were. Today was no different. Another guard awaited her at the entrance of their private quarters. Sometimes Jack had awaited her here or had opened up the door, but not today.

Silently thanking the agent she stepped into the hallway and let him close the door behind her. Everything was dark in here. She waited for her eyes to adjust to the darkness. And then she kept standing there, waiting. Because she didn't know what to do next. What Chloe had told them today was beyond everything she would have ever imagined. Worse than the worst ideas or thoughts somebody could have. What she had done afterwards wasn't so much better.

Part of her was thankful that Jack hadn't opened up the door or greeted her. She wouldn't know what to say to him.

With slow moves she hung her coat onto the rack, slipped out of her shoes and went towards the living room. The door stood open a little bit and the TV lighted up the room from scene to scene. She found Jack on the couch, having fallen asleep watching CNN.

Without making a noise she went over there and knelt down in front of his face.

She studies his features. Did he look angry? No. Sad? Maybe. Tired? Definitely. As she stretched out her hand to touch his cheek his eyes flew open.

„Hey..", he began, and the earnest features formed a weak smile at an instant. „How are you?"

„Alright.", Audrey lied, giving her best to make the lie convincing enough. Ever since she had met Chloe, the day had turned into one of the worst. „And how are you?", she hesitatingly asked him.

„Alright.", he murmured back, replicating the same lie. She couldn't help but smile back.

But she saw that he wasn't alright. He had been fighting with withdrawal symptoms for the past days already. Had given in to them some times which had made him start again from the beginning. Silently she just sat there and looked into his eyes. Her thoughts were soon wandering around, back to Chloe, to her father, coming home from China, Anderson's men… everything.

Jack's voice interrupted her ugly daydreams. „Is he okay?", he murmured.

„Huh?", she almost jerked, like a child, caught doing something bad.

„Your dad. Is he okay?", he began and sat up. Caring, he bent down and placed his hands at her shoulders.

Audrey just nodded her head _yes_ and gave herself to his embrace. „I was so angry", she breathed. „I've never been so angry in my whole life."

„Hush…. it's alright.", he whispered and held her close, stroking her back and softly placing a kiss at her head. „Don't let it worry you."

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 _Two hours earlier_

The politicians from the department of health had still be waiting as he had come back, eager to continue their meeting as if nothing had happened. If they only knew. Even more absent minded as before, Jack sat at the head end of the table, listening to their meaningless problems while he tried to calm the big ones in his head. At one point they had even talked about their budget to fight drug addiction, while he only sat here and painfully got reminded that his last fix was quite a while ago and that he couldn't just leave the room to get one.

What Chloe had told him was hard to believe, but it all made sense. He could barely remember that day, six years ago, when he had woken up in some rotten part of the city, with a needle still in his arm and the headache that confirmed that there had been an awful load in his system. Back there, he had hated himself for having done this. It wouldn't make it easier to take care of Audrey and eventually bring her away from her father. He still remembered how he'd stumbled through the room, trying to get a grip of himself again. He couldn't remember anything from the day before, except of the pain from his wounds. At that time, he just damned himself for having done that to his body. And back there, he hadn't even known how lucky he was to have survived that dose of drugs.

All of Chloe's story made sense. Even his own memories made more sense now. He had wondered about that dose - hadn't he known better that he wouldn't need that much to kill the pain and have a good night's sleep? Of course he knew, but Anderson's henchmen didn't. But they also didn't know that his body was quite used to _something_. It had been one of Cheng's favorite doings to make him endure more and more torture by injecting drugs, sending him almost into an overdose and watch him go through a painful withdrawal in the days thereafter.

The voice of one of the politicians ripped him out of his memories. „Mr. President, we'd still like to hear your opinion.", he asked.

„About the cuts in the budget?"

„Exactly."

Jack felt the phone vibrate in his pocket. Even more work. It was coming from all sides now. „Cut it. There are more important things we need the money for right now."

„With all due respect, Sir-" one of the others began, but Jack cut him off.

„You asked me for a decision, you got one. Gentlemen, this has been going on for too long now. Stop discussing and spend your time on something constructive."

They all were rebuffed by his harsh answer. But at the moment he couldn't have cared less. His mind was completely occupied with other things than their problems.

Jack glanced at his phone - a text message from Audrey waiting. „Is there anything else to discuss which admits no delay?"

After his harsh answer from before, nobody seemed to dare to bring up another topic. Within a few minutes of handshaking and smalltalk, the meeting was over.

Jack couldn't wait until they were gone. After formally dismissing the last one of them he hurriedly took out his phone and read Audrey's message:

 _I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS._

He didn't know exactly what she had meant by writing this, but it could mean nothing good. He dialed her number. _Pick up the phone,_ he prayed, letting it ring for ten times until her voicemail was on. It was a rare occasion that she didn't answer his call. He tried again, and then for a third and fourth time.

Too many people had _taken care_ of problems already, when they shouldn't have. Worriedly he paced up and down in the office and dialed her number again.

It rang for two times and then there was silence. He gradually realized that she had picked up, but just didn't say anything.

„Audrey?", he asked. „Audrey?" No answer. „Can you hear me?" He believed to have heard something. „Are you there?"

 _Yes,_ she silently answered.

„What did you mean with taking care of it?", he hesitatingly asked her, hoping that she'd answer.

She didn't say anything for a long time. _He did that to you._

„Who?", he asked, but of course he already knew whom she meant. He just wanted to hear it from her lips.

 _You know who I mean. And I'll take care of this._

Her voice was strange. Jack didn't even dare ask how she wanted to ‚take care'. Suddenly he was more worried than ever.

 _He's gonna pay for this._

„How? Where are you, Audrey?"

She didn't react upon his question. _I stood there too long, watching him do this to you, again and again._

Jack ran back to the door, ripped it open and held his hand over the mic of the phone, as he asked the lead Secret Service agent where Audrey was right now.

„She's just arriving at her father's to meet him.", the agent answered and wondered why the door got slammed shut right in front of his face again.

„Listen to me, Audrey", Jack hissed into the phone, „don't do anything stupid now."

 _He has to pay for what he's done._

„How?", he inquisitively asked her, „Do you wanna _shoot_ him?"

Audrey got out of the car and left the Secret Service agents behind her as she went a few steps towards her father's mansion. The tall white building looked down at her like a castle. As the agents were out of hearing range, she answered Jack's question. „I'll cock the gun and I'll make him put it to his own temple."

„He has no reason to do that Audrey, he's a sane man."

„If he doesn't, I'll bring him to court for all this."

„No, Audrey. Please.", he pleaded. Helplessly he stopped pacing around and tried to concentrate only on her voice. „Audrey, too much of my past has already been dragged out into the light and I hate it. You're not helping me with this."

„Then I'll do it myself. You've got a perfect alibi."

„You don't want to do this, Audrey."

 _He has to pay,_ she whispered. She still stood on the sidewalk and hadn't even entered the driveway yet. But Heller must have noticed the convoy stopping in front of his house.

„He did everything to protect you." It was for him to say those words, but in the end he knew that they were the truth behind all this. And they were the only way to keep her from doing this. „I can forgive him. But you won't be able to do that if you go on."

 _He has to pay for all the things he did to you and me,_ she whispered again, staring at the door of the house that got opened up. He stood there, awaiting her, not aware of anything.

„It won't make anything undone, Audrey." Jack took a deep breath, „I need you to be by my side and not anywhere else. You cannot look into his eyes and do this. Don't even try, Audrey. Even I couldn't."

The gun in her handbag weighed endlessly much as she looked over to her father, who still stood in the door, waiting for her to come over.

 _I'm so angry, Jack,_ she whispered. She had kept her composure throughout all these years. Had acted along with everything. But now she couldn't help it. Tears rolled down her cheeks.

 _It will be alright, if you come home to me._ His voice also wasn't louder than a whisper any more. He prayed that she wouldn't do anything stupid.

The phone call suddenly ended.

Jack jumped up and ran back through the room, to the Secret Service agent who stood outside the door. „Where is she _now_?", he almost yelled at the man who hurriedly took out his palm to check the situation.

 _Oh, that's strange,_ he remarked, almost sending Jack over the edge. „She just boarded the car again. I don't have it on the screen yet where they're going."

Hearing that took a load off Jack's mind. This time he even managed to tell the agent a silent _thank you_ before went back into his office, sat down at his desk and buried his face in his hands.

How much longer could he take this? How much more? There was just no way out, no other way than to keep up and keep going.


	39. Past, catching up, pt II

Past, catching up, pt. 2

.

.

Wordlessly Jack held Audrey in his arms. He could sense every one of her thoughts. She didn't cry any more - she was way beyond that point, but she was still filled with anger and disbelief, he sensed that. After some endless moments of crouching there, he gently lifted her body up and lay down at the sofa again, Audrey on top of him. Staring at the ceiling, he rubbed circles on her back, unsure about how or where to begin talking.

They both knew when to say nothing at all. That was sometimes even harder than talking about it- and saying something that one could only regret afterwards. His mind was almost taken back to the times, six years ago, when he'd silently sat next to her bed, outmaneuvering Heller most of the times so the old man wouldn't know that he was here at all. As he had been in China, he had only lived and hoped to have a moment like the one he had now. As he had been hiding in Africa, he had only lived and hoped to have a moment like the one now.

„You know…", he silently began, „we're safe here."

Audrey turned her head a little bit to look at his face. „What?", she asked.

He turned around to her, slightly smiling, „we're safe here. And we won't ever be in trouble again."

„Is that all you think about, now?", she stammered and slightly shook her head, „Are you high again?"

 _little bit,_ he murmured and turned around, facing her, „And yes, that's all that matters to me now." He softly brushed a strand of hair out of her face and kept playing with it. „I don't want you to be angry at him, Audrey… It's of no use to anyone."

„Are you saying that because of me? Do you do that as a favor because the person that tried to kill you happened to be my dad?" She couldn't believe what he was saying. „Let's talk when you're sober.", she disappointedly and angrily remarked.

He didn't let it get to him. Instead, he just put his arms around her waist and snuggled up to her. „This won't change, no matter if I'm sober or not, Audrey. He just tried to protect you by all means." Jack sighed.

Audrey wound herself out of his arms and sat up. „You can't be serious.", she spoke, looking down on him. „He tried to-"

„That's past!", Jack interrupted her. „Why do you think I am here, having stuck a needle in my own arm again, huh? Damnit, I want to forget what happened!"

She was taken aback by his words. The hard sincerity. „But I don't know how to look him in the eye again, Jack.", she said, after a while.

Slowly he sat up, facing her, thinking about the right words to say. He had to be strong for the both of them now, that much was sure. He couldn't let the small remains of her family break apart. „I forgave him.", he tonelessly said. „Long ago."

She shook her head in disbelieve. „I don't believe you. Are you saying this to make me feel better?" The anger was still inside her. She would have been endlessly sorry to take her anger out on him now, but her heated thoughts didn't think about that for one second. „It's not working.", she hissed at him.

„Enough, Audrey!", he hissed back, having a hard time to control his emotions, too. „I don't want your family to end up like mine!"

She stared at him in the dark, how he slowly stretched out his arm and put his left hand at her neck. _Don't let it out on me,_ he breathed and came a bit closer, still looking into her eyes. _He did everything to protect you, the same as I do. His decision was not wrong._

 _To kill somebody?,_ she tonelessly asked back.

 _No matter what,_ he answered, _he did it for you._

Slowly shaking her head, she leant over to him, coming closer and closer. „You're just saying this to make me feel better."

„No, I don't." He leant his forehead against hers and brought his other hand to her face, too, to stroke over her cheek. „I can forgive him. And I want you to do that, too." A cold shower ran down his back as he held her like that. It was cold in the room. It was dark, it was late. But above all, he was afraid of losing her because of all the anger and the hate. „If you can't forgive him, then try to do it for me."

She let out a small laugh. „Why for _you_?" She sill couldn't believe that this was his real self talking. He had to be on drugs. These words didn't fit his picture in her mind.

„I have fought for so long, Audrey, so many battles", he began and took a deep breath, „For once I just want a place to come home to, with people I love and who love me."

„And you really think he's gonna be one of them?", she derogatorily remarked.

„Don't make fun of me now, Audrey.", he gave her a little kiss onto her cheek and broke away from the embrace to look into her eyes. „I loved him like a father once. And after all he did to me, he's still a thousand times better than the family I had."

She could see the pain his eyes, as she heard him talk about it. Earlier, as she had asked Chloe about the name she'd mentioned - Philip Bauer - she had already heard some details about Jack's past. They all somehow sounded ugly at one point.

„Do you think it was the first time for me to get raped, in China?", he made a short pause to let her think about the answer on her own, „Do you think it was army combat training that taught me how to endure torture?" He sightly shook his head, _no,_ his view wandering away from her, into the past „I learned that much earlier." Eventually his eyes met hers again, „And I know what you told me about _your_ _past_ , Audrey, I remember everything you said- picking flowers with him, your holidays in Mexico, the months after you mom's death when you didn't want to sleep alone…" As he saw tears well in her eyes he knew that he'd said enough to make her anger stop. Tenderly, he put his arms around her and held her close, slowly starting to understand him. She only saw the contours of him in the dark, the white shirt that covered his back. But she knew him deeper than that. The scars underneath that shirt. And the scars underneath his skin. The words that he had just said… she put her arms around him, holding him tight. Maybe it was the first time in his life that he'd said this aloud. He had broken the silence and the barriers that he'd built, to make her understand what she still had to lose.

They sat there, at the sofa, for some endless seeming minutes, before Jack got ready to get up. In a silent understanding she slung her legs around his body and got carried away, over to the bedroom, where he carefully put her down on the bed, in front of him.

She lay on her back and looked up to him, how he leant over her, studying her features. Not with a longing view of lust. Just with pure affection, thoroughly happy that he had conquered her anger.

Audrey lifted her left hand and slowly she started to undo the buttons of his shirt. She ran her hand over his chest, played with the hair on it, ran it down to his belt, grabbed it and pulled him closer and made him lie down next to her. She moved on top of him and placed a soft kiss on his mouth, then one at his cheek, his throat, and his chest. As she had already worked down with her kisses to his belt she looked up to his face for a last time, just to see a wide smile below the closed eyes.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 _some hours later_

As she woke up again, the other half of the bed was empty- and almost cold. She turned around and let her view wander through the sleeping room - it was empty.

Worriedly she wrapped a blank around her naked body and got out of bed. As soon as she had reached the door and looked out into the hallway her eyes found him, leaning his outstretched arms against the door frame of the bathroom door. It was the same sight as yesterday. He was fighting the withdrawal symptoms that came back to haunt him. Two days ago she had tried to be there for him - but he'd sent her away, not wanting her to see this all. Yesterday night she'd secretly watched him, like she did now. He was so focused on his own thoughts that he didn't realize her watching.

Yesterday she'd watched him get stick, again and again and bend over with pain. After the first time he seemed to try to channel it into anger - he had went over to the bar that he'd let them mount in the bathroom doorframe and started to do some pull-ups, until the next wave of nausea caught him.

Today it was not so much different. He pushed himself away from the wall and reached out of the bar. Silently Audrey stood by the bedroom door and watched the muscles on his upper arms and on his back tense up as he pulled up his body. He started to sweat immediately, she even heard his heavy breaths. Today it all seemed to be worse than yesterday. After not even five pull-ups he jumped down and ran into the bathroom. She heard him throw up, since he hadn't fully closed the door.

Hesitatingly Audrey made a step into hallway. He had bluntly rebuffed her the day before yesterday and she wasn't so sure about going over there now. He didn't want to share pain… or being weak. That was part of the man who had built up walls around his soul to survive.

She had stopped in the middle of the hallway and didn't dare to move on, as he came back out and found her suddenly standing there.

Wordlessly the looked at each other, lighted only by the faint light of the bathroom lamp shining through the small gap of the open door behind him.

„What are you doing up?", he asked, but right now he was even too bushed to be mad.

„I… need to use the bathroom", Audrey lied. It was the only excuse she could think of, invading his privacy.

„There's another one down the hallway.", he murmured and leant against the door frame.

She only nodded and went there, although she didn't even need to. Walking over there she heard how he turned on the water, probably to clean away the mess he'd made that he didn't want her to see.

She came back a few minutes later and found him standing in the hallway, waiting for her. Hesitatingly she approached him. So now he was sober. Sweaty. Breathing hard and trying to hide the pain.

„Did I wake you up?", he asked, his voice coarse.

Audrey shook her head. Her view got caught at the scars on his torso. Embarrassedly she looked away, searching for something… finally finding his eyes. It was time to talk about the big elephant in the room.

Jack knew that, too. „I know this is gonna get ugly.", he began, „I don't expect you to…"

„No.", she hurriedly cut him of. „I _want_ to be there for you."

„This is gonna get _really_ ugly.", he mentioned again, referring to the symptoms that he already felt- the really bad ones were yet to come. It had been hours ago that he'd had the last pill of oxy. He could already feel his stomach revolt against the absence of the drug. „I don't want you to watch this all."

Audrey heard his words, but her thoughts were far, far away. „I don't mind, Jack", she murmured, approaching him slowly. Her thoughts were lightyears away. „I've seen you go through detox already", she added to make him understand that she really wouldn't mind seeing him curled up on the bathroom floor, throwing up, loosing all his body fluids and crying out in pain. She didn't dare say anything else, but he'd know that she had seen him during one of the countless times that Cheng had put him on drugs to endure the pain… until cutting off the drugs to make him go through another living hell.

He bent down to her and softly leant his forehead against hers. „I'm sorry.", he breathlessly said.

Audrey slung her hands around his neck and held him close. „Will it be the same every night?", she asked him, referring to yesterday and the day before.

„If you don't want me to get drowned in this completely - yes.", he sighed and broke away from her not to let her smell the scent of vomit that he still had in his mouth. He needed to keep his body from wanting more and more of that stuff. Either by walking through hell completely - which wasn't possible anyway without anyone noticing - or by having a small withdrawal every night, trying to cut the dose and fight the symptoms during the hours in which nobody expected him to function.

Audrey watched him go back to the bar. He laid his hands on it but he didn't pull himself up.

She stretched out her hand and softly laid it at his naked back, feeling him tense up beneath her touch. Then she softly placed a kiss onto his neck and slung her other arm around his waist.

„What's that gonna be, Audrey?", he tiredly asked, as she moved her hand into the waistband of his sweats.

 _Distraction,_ she whispered into his ear and kept placing kisses at his neck, _what else._


	40. Truce

Truce

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.

.

Jack studied today's schedule carefully as he sat down at his desk. He hadn't really slept that much in the past night and neither was he completely sober – but the thing that his secretary had told him during their usual briefing today morning had brought his senses to attention.

Heller.

The old man had invited himself for a meeting which was about to start in only a few minutes.

Jack put the paperwork which was left over away and leant back into his chair. Not long until he shifted to another position and then again – his mind still racing how he should encounter the old man who abused his political position again to settle his private life.  
What had gone on on the day before couldn't have happened unnoticed by Heller. Somehow he must have already found out that the Secret Service had arrested Anderson's men who had been chasing Chloe for information about what had happened six years ago. It was a mere wonder that Heller hadn't tried to confront him or Audrey earlier.

He sighed and swiveled the chair around to look outside the windows, as the intercom came on, a voice telling him that Heller was here.  
 _Let him in,_ he told her and wondered that his voice was still calm.

Slowly the door opened and Heller strode in.

Jack stayed where he was and tried to put on an earnest, dispassionate stare. He could think of no words to say to the old man. They had done so much for and to each other, knew so many dirty details about each other and knew the other still so well that no-one actually needed a word to know that only a truce still kept the peace.  
Jack waited for Heller to start talking.

Cautiously the old man strode through the room and stopped a few feet in front of Jack's desk. He examined Jack's hands – his right lay at the armrest of his chair, and his left supported his chin. They were far away from a position in which they could reach a hidden gun.

Jack followed the other's eyes. "What did you suspect I'd be up to?", he teased him.

Heller did not react to it.  
"Audrey came over yesterday.", he began and left off then to probe how much Jack knew about it.

"I know", he just answered. He wouldn't make it too easy for Heller to start this conversation.

"As I opened the door she just turned around and left.", Heller murmured as he strode through the room. "But I guess you already know that."

Jack bit the words back that he wanted to shout out loud. "And?", he just barked instead.

Heller shook his head and smiled sadly. "You are taking her away from me again."

"I never did that."

"Oh, spare me your lies!", the old man hissed. "Whenever something bad happened to her, you were directly linked to it." He went over to Jack's desk, leant over it to look into his eyes while he continued, "You destroyed her and Paul's marriage. Then she went to China looking for you and came back almost dead. You destroyed her second marriage. She almost got captured by the Russians after you thought you could just desert and take her with you. A year ago you let her out cold in the rain when you decided to take this job. A week ago they again came after her just to influence you and she ended up in hospital!" He was almost out of breath, "I hate to see her suffer like this… and in the end it's always _me_ who has to pick up whats left of her."

Jack didn't know what to answer. He sat there, immovably – and all he could think of was that every one of Heller's words was right. His heart in his mouth he looked at the old man who was boiling.  
Some endless seconds passed before Heller gave up the stare and pushed himself back from the table again. He turned around and went a few steps. "I hadn't thought that you would have nothing to say.", he murmured.

"What do you want me to say?" Jack stood up, too. "That I'm sorry?"

Heller turned back again.

"I am. But you know that, don't you? After I keep telling you that… every time…", Jack continued. "You know that everything one of these things sits heavily on my mind and there's nothing that anyone could do about it." _Be honest,_ he told himself as he went around his desk, over to Heller. "So why did you come here, James? What is this all about?"

Heller was at a loss for the moment. He had expected many things, but not that the conversation would go this way. He had expected Jack to argue with him, accuse him of having tried to kill him or whatever, he had expected Jack to start a fight or at least to tap into the fight that he had almost started himself. But not that sincerety.

"What do you want, Jim?", Jack asked him again.

"I want Audrey to be safe."

"That's not why you came here.", Jack answered. "You know that she's safe now. There's nobody who's guarded better than the members of the presidential family." He knew exactly what else was on Heller's mind.  
But the old man didn't dare to touch that topic now.  
Jack went over to him, closer. "Or is there anything else, Jim?", he hyprocitically asked.

 _You know that very well…_ , Heller hissed.

"Do I?", Jack built himself up in front of Heller, teasing him until he couldn't hold it back any more.

"You are a blight on the nation!", Heller went on.

"Am I?" Jack swore himself not to lose his composure. "Wait, let's see…", he started to circle the old man, "It's been a year now since I'm back, Jim. I spoke up to Page and stopped him from killing a few million people… I made you get your job as a secretary back after your friend Anderson shot at me… I stopped us from getting provoked into a war which we'd have certainly lost…" He stopped in front of Heller's face again, "It seems I don't get your point. Sorry."

"You know very well what I was talking about.", Heller retalliated. "Does Audrey know about it?"

"Yes, she does."

"I don't believe you. She wouldn't be with you if she knew it."

"Then it seems you don't know her a bit.", Jack answered in a sigh and left Heller back in the middle of the room, as he went over to the windows to look outside.

"She's my daughter, Jack and I do know her. She can't be happy with this. Does she bite through just because she thinks that you'd be worth all the sorrow? Hoping you'd get out of it one day?"

Jack took a deep breath. _Stay strong,_ he reminded himself, before he turned around again. "The question is: how do _you_ know about it?"

"I have my sources.", Heller tried to avoid the real topic.

"Bullshit." He wanted to spit in Heller's face, just for his last answer. "I'm not taking her away from you Jim – but she was quite shocked yesterday, when she found out what you had done to me, years ago…" He went back over to him. It was hard to win a discussion against such an experienced politician. He had to get him by his weak point. "You've made her hate you, Jim… because you went too far."

"I just tried to protect her.", Heller hissed.

Jack's face lit up a little. He had made Heller admit it- he had him where he wanted him. "I know.", he silently said. "I even understand you, Jim. But she doesn't, and I'm not so sure if she will ever forgive you."  
As he looked into Heller's eyes he could almost see the old man's heart break. His daughter hated him now. The only human being in the world who had ever meant anything to him hated him now.

Jack knew that he had to finish off Heller as long as he was having his weak moment. He had had a whole sleepless night to think about what to say to him.  
"You used her, Jim.", he began circling Heller. "Like Anderson used you. You took his offer and made his men try to kill me. And then… let me guess, probably you were really happy when Audrey started dating his son… the son of the main shareholder of one of the biggest defense contractors… how helpful, huh?"

Heller boiled with rage, but Jack wouldn't let him say a word. Instead, he approached him from behind, hissing into his ear – "You say _I_ am blidge on the nation? I didn't need to sell my daughter to foster my political career."

The old man jumped around and seized Jack by the collar, pushing him backwards. "You…", he hissed, and couldn't find any words to say, "You… you…", he hissed again and again.

Jack had him where he wanted him. Almost smiling he let him push a few steps backwards, until Heller realized it on his own, how insane he was acting right now. To get rough on the president in the oval office. Bad idea.  
Helplessly he let go of him and stepped back. After he came to breath again, he finally said, "What do we do now? You want me to resign?"

"No."

"Why not? What then?" He had been in politics for the past 30 years. Nobody ever got anything without giving something in return. "Do you want my consent for being with my daughter? So you can insult me again of having sold her for my career … this time to a freakin junkie?" He patted the creases out of his suit again. "I'd rather resign than do that."

"That wouldn't help anyone.", Jack silently said as he went past Heller, back to his desk. Out of the drawer he took a file and put it on the desk. "Here."

Sceptically Heller glanced at the papers that lay over there. "What is this?", he asked.

"Read. It.", Jack nodded at the file and went looking out of the windows, as Heller came over and leafed through the papers. "In five months, the new carrier fleet will be launched. I want you to make the Navy plan the biggest exercise we've ever had, together with the Chinese."

"No… no, no, no, no, no." Heller closed the file and threw it back on the table. "You're not just gonna go back to business as usual. Tell me what you're up to."

"Planning an exercise… strengthening the new bonds with the Chinese… showing the Russians we're getting our strength back."

"That's not what I meant!", Heller hissed.

Slowly, Jack turned around. "What _did_ you mean?"  
The stared into each other's eyes, wordlessly, for a few seconds.  
"There's nothing else that we have to say to each other.", Jack added.

"Oh, there is.", Heller spoke, "There's a lot that I could tell about _you_."

Smiling, Jack shook his face. "No, you can't, we both know that." He straightened back up, went over to his desk again. "Maybe she'll forgive you one day, Jim." Jack took the file and handed it to him. "But certainly not if you keep trying to destroy me. Here." He made Heller take the file.  
He could see that the old man was fuming with rage.

"I hereby tender my resignation.", Heller hissed.

"Not accepted." Jack smiled at him. "I want to have you where I can see you."

"Don't push it too far, Jack! You're forgetting that I can have you removed from office in an instant! I just have to tell them-", he shouted.

"And you're forgetting that attempted murder will put you in jail then, Jim" He leant over the table, towards Heller. "I've got the protocols of Anderson's men. The instructions you gave them… of exactly how much they should buy… and give me… to make it look like an overdose... good plan. But they kept track of everything. Was that what Anderson used to push you out of office a year ago?"

Heller didn't even react upon Jack's question. "You should have died in an instant."

Jack sadly smiled. "Bad news. I didn't." _My body is quite used to something,_ he added in his thoughts. Cheng's treatment and all the drugs that they had injected over there had increased his tolerance limit. In the end, Cheng had even saved his life with it. "You've got an exercise to organise.", he added.

They were back to their truce.  
Wordlessly Heller took the file, turned around and left.

.

.

.


	41. Honesty

**Honesty**

 _4 months later_

.

.

.

Audrey still couldn't believe how her life had changed over the course of the past months – she pushed the door to the living area of the White House open – calling these rooms her _home_ now.  
They had taken all the time in the world to move here from the Vice President's residence. Here they were even more watched than over there, but three weeks after Allyson Taylor's relatives had all moved out, there had been no more excuses to postpone coming here.

"Jack?", she asked loudly, looking into the rooms on her left and right. They had started unpacking yesterday, in this residence that was way too big for just the two of them. Many of the rooms stood empty and were likely to stay that way.  
Finally, she found him in one of the rooms at the end of the corridor.

He looked up when he saw her, smiling. "Hey…"

"Hey…" she looked around in the room. It was empty, except for some basic furniture, curtains and a pile of boxes next to the couch. He leant over one of the boxes that he'd opened up.

"'re you unpacking?", she asked.

He shook his head, took a sip of the drink that stood on the coffee table and stood up. "No. Just… snooping around", he smirked.

"Oooh, I get it. Kim's stuff." She went through the room when she first heard the music play. It sounded familiar.. she knew that song from a time lot of years ago.

Jack had put the few things back into the box and took his glass with him. "Hi sweetheart.", he whispered and gave her kiss. "Missed you."

She kissed him back, put her arms around him and held him close. After a few minutes, they unwillingly started to sway to the music.  
Audrey closed her eyes and snuggled up to Jack's body, buring her face in his neck. She felt him place a soft kiss at her head and stroke over her hair, as he held her close. For endless time, she just relished the moment, swaying to the silent music in the background, knowing that nobody would come to destroy that moment. Simply that was something that was hard to believe.  
She listened to the lyrics. "Wasn't that song forbidden, years ago?"

He started to smile. "Logan tried… but they wouldn't let him start censoring."

"And now it's being played in the White House. What an irony." She looked up into his eyes. "Why that one?"

"I found it in Kim's stuff. Didn't ever know that she'd liked it."

Audrey saw that there was far more going on behind his blue eyes than he'd admitted so far. The time of Logan's presidency had been a time when he and Kim hadn't had any contact.  
"She knew that Logan was your nemesis. I'm sure that's why she liked that song."

He let out a laugh. "Isn't that a little wishful thinking?", he asked back.

Audrey shook her head no. Lovingly she looked into his eyes. "She loved you. Always." She leant forward and gave him a little kiss. "She hated Logan just as much as the singer did it. But…"

"But what?" He stopped moving.

"But not if she finds out you're digging through her stuff.", she remarked smilingly.

He couldn't help smile back. "Alright, I'll put it all back.", he admitted and kissed her again, before he went back over to the stereo and grabbed the few things of Kim that lay at the cabinet. In the end he hesitated, before taking the CD out of the player.

Audrey watched him lean against the cabinet, drowned in thoughts, listening to the lyrics.

 _What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?  
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?_

"What's up?", she asked him after a while.

"It just gets me thinking.", Jack answered her.

She slowly approached him and hugged him from behind. "What are you thinking about?", she asked as she snuggled up to his back.

 _How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?  
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?  
How do you walk with your head held high?  
Can you even look me in the eye?_

"I heard it somewhere… a few months ago. It's a hard piece of work to be any better than Logan."

"But you are.", Audrey murmured, kissing his neck.

 _What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?  
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?  
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say  
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine._

"You've really come a long way.", she whispered into his ear. "But you and Logan have nothing in common."  
She looked at the glass on the burau. At first she'd thought it would be beer, but it obviously just had the same color. He hadn't touched a cigarette, a drink nor any drug in months. It had really been a long way.  
Silently, they both just stood there and kept listening.

 _Let me tell you 'bout hard work  
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away  
Let me tell you 'bout hard work  
Building a bed out of a cardboard box  
Let me tell you 'bout hard work  
You don't know nothing 'bout hard work_

He finally stopped the replay and took the CD back into the cover of Kim's mixtape. Audrey was right. He had nothing in common with Logan. He knew how it was to be homeless. To be in a house that's being blown away from bombs. He knew how hard work felt like.

Audrey ran her hand down his right arm until it came to rest on his hand and the CD. She softly forced him to turn the cover around. "Here."

He turned the cover around and froze. Behind the backside of the transparent plastic cover was an almost 20 years old photo of Teri, Kim and him.  
"How did you know… - ", he stammered

"She showed me. Quite a while ago.", Audrey answered, holding him close. "Bill Buchanan told her about your and Logan's history. And I guess that song was something that reminded her about who had really been responsible for taking you away from her."

"And she told you all that?" Jack could hardly believe it.

"More or less", she sighed. "Come on, put her things back before she gets here."  
Audrey watched him, how he hesitatingly put the CD cover with the photo back into the box. He almost couldn't rip himself free from it.

"Come on…", she poked him into his arm, to get him going.  
Hesitatingly he stood up. Audrey lay her arm round him to guide him out of the room.

"Audrey, If I ever...", he started, while they walked through the corridor of the White House residence. Logan had lived here, only a few years ago. It made him shudder. "… if I ever become anything like Logan, then stop me."

She knew what he was thinking about. The walls were covered with the portraits of past Presidents.  
Audrey pullled him along, down the corridor. "Here.", she stopped in front of David Palmer's portrait. "You're not only following bad people."

"Thank god." He murmured and watched the portrait. "I wished he'd still be alive."

"I know what you mean." Audrey sighed and leant against his shoulder. "Thanks to you I know it."

* * *

 _Ten years earlier_

.

.

As she had gotten into Jack's car, she had already been full of curiousity. He had told her to wear an elegant dress and that they'd have dinner with one of his friends today evening. She had protested first, had kept telling him that they weren't allowed to be seen in public because she was still married.  
In the end, she didn't even know how Jack had persuaded her to come along anyways. He had told her that it would be a private meeting… either the tender kisses that followed or the mere fact that he also had a job to lose if he got them into trouble finally made her come along.

She'd been curious the whole ride, where he'd take her. They had gone to the finest part of the city, what everyone called the presidents' district. They'd stopped at the gates of a mighty house which was even protected by the Secret Service.  
Jack had just lowered his window, had showed his DoD credentials and they'd let them pass.

"Whose house is this?", she asked him, as he drove up the long driveway to the front entrace.

He glanced at her, smiling. "Do you trust me?"

She nodded her head. "Yes, but it would be easier for me to know who or what we're gonna meet here… after all he could know my dad."

"He _does_ know your dad."

For a moment her eyes widened in shock. "What!?" She felt the urge to make him turn around.

"Relax, Audrey. You're gonna like him and he's not soneone who will talk to anyone."

"They all talk.", Audrey hissed. That's something she had learned over the course of the past years in politics. She felt her anger at Jack rise as he stopped right in front of the front stairs – until she saw the man who had opened up the door.  
Frozen stiff she sat there. "That's Da…"

Jack stopped the engine and slightly touched her arm. "He's gonna like you. Don't be afraid."

She spun around. Of course Palmer wouldn't talk to anyone – he was way above the level of people that she'd been afraid of. "How…. why, why do you know him, Jack?"

"I've known him for years, Audrey." Jack looked outside the passenger window and wove his hand at the man up there. Time to get out of the car, not to keep him waiting. "We've met several times and as he found out that I worked in DC, he invited me for dinner."

Audrey wanted to ask him _why do you bring me here?_ But he was already out, walked round the car and opened her door to help her get out.

"I don't have that many friends here, and even less persons that I can visit _with_ you.", he whispered into her ear as they walked up the stairs, arm in arm. "And I don't wanna hide the best thing in my life forever."

She didn't know what stunned her more – meeting the former President or the words that Jack had just said.

.

.

.


End file.
